To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

I’m not sure you can cause arrogance in a primary school age child by acknowledging their existence in the mornings…

It has nothing to do with him not being your child. Its mean and you know it OP

Would you treat your own child this way? Unlikely so dont do it to the step son.

There's no easy answer – well rested mother/stepmother is important, so is emotionally secure child. It depends on the individual child's personality, and how good the rest of their home and social life is.

That said,

"There's lots of talk about what I'd do with my child when they are 11. Firstly if I felt so strongly about it, I would make it happen myself i.e. get him up at 7 when I'm there. I wouldn't pass it on to my partner that didn't get into bed until nearly 1am the night before."

You basically say that when your own child turns 11, you might feel that it's important after all. This line does suggest a my child/your child division on some matters.

Could this issue be more about how you both view your parental obligation towards stepchild, rather than about waking up per se? I appreciate that you probably already go above and beyond for stepchild, but from this example, perhaps not to the extent you would for own child.

It's fair if you both have different views, but maybe you both need to discuss and be on the same page.

Yes OP make sure you eat your meal and do your ablutions in as little time as possible. You certainly don't need any time to wind down after a gruelling 11 hour hospital shift. Know your place as a DSM.

Look I'm not 100% certain that letting DSS get up and go to school solo is the right thing to do, but I do know how lack of sleep can impact some people and there are other solutions that do not impact OP.

It’s not really a lie in is it? If OP gets to bed at 1am and has to be back at work at 11am, then she’s probably up at 9, 9.30 latest to get ready for work again. I can’t see how anyone waking up at 8am for 5 minutes would be able to go back to sleep for another hour or why they should compromise on sleep. Sleep is really important for shift work. It’s a work-sleep-work routine with very little down time and no equivalent of an ‘evening’ which a daytime worker gets. But it’s only for 3 days at a time. I really don’t see the problem of leaving an 11 year old to breakfast alone 3 days a week, especially if he prefers to go to school with his friends.

@rookiemere yes I sympathise because I'm someone who really needs sleep to feel mentally okay. There's actual diagnosed mental illness on both sides of my family so it's not just me being precious!

That said... If OP just came right out and said "no I wouldn't do the same for my own child when she's 11", then fair play.

As it stands, it seems to be more of a "is he our child or your child" issue, rather than about sleep/goodbye itself. Which is a valid issue and discussion to be had between OP and husband, with no right answer I suppose (I'd personally like to treat my step child equally, but I've never been in that position so not qualified to comment).

Well the OP doesn't get up to say goodbye to their shared DD so she's doing exactly what you want her to do and treating both children the same.

I never respond on these, but with a step granddaughter I feel qualified. She is completely part of our family. Completely. She is a child and the parents situation is not her fault. The same goes for your stepson. 11 may seem grown up but it isn't. You and your partner should compromise in a way to be there for him. In my mind you are both at fault. I have worked shifts like you as well. You could go back to bed when he's gone. 7 hours sleep isn't too little when you can nap afterwards.

DD has an adult (husband) with her in the morning. Husband's concern (and OP's potential concern for own DD if in the same situation) is child with no adult.

Not shaming OP or advocating an answer either way, just pointing out those are 2 completely different scenarios.

Your DH sounds like a petty, selfish prick to be honest OP.

Your SS is 11, not 6, he walks himself to school and is happy getting up and getting himself out of the house..

The views here of those decrying how AWFUL that must be for your SS are absolutely ridiculous and infantilising a perfectly capable and happy 11yo.

Your DH is the problem here. He obviously can’t stand to see you resting, despite how late your shifts are and that is incredibly selfish and quite controlling. If HE is so concerned about HIS son having a ‘goodbye’ in the morning then HE needs to facilitate it.

The pile-on you’re getting here is standard AIBU though - par for the course!

@shinepud OP might act differently for her own DD aged 11 and that's her prerogative.

It depends on the nature of the DC as well as the age and relationship.

If DSS is upset about current arrangement then there are various ways it can be altered, but apparently he hasn't said anything about it. As OP was the one who used to walk with him to school, I assume she understands his personality type and what works for him.

Jesus OP, you’re getting a rough ride here. Your poor DH having to parent his own DD 3 mornings a week. Don’t tell me you chain him to the sink on a weekend as well? 😂

In all seriousness, I see no issue, you’re still doing far more than DH, you’re contributing to the household, your SS could get up earlier if he wanted to, or I’m sure if he told you he was lonely for three mornings a fortnight or needed you one morning for some reason, you’d be there.

Typical that the woman is seen to be the one who should shoulder the burden more than the man, some of us don’t want to live like that and don’t see why we should 🙄

So much hysterical projection from some posters who quite obviously read the word "stepchild" and instantly think of something along the lines of "Little Orphan Annie/Cosette from Les Miserables."

People are calling it a lie in so that it can fit their lazy, nasty stepmother narrative.

The fact that it’s just a different sleep schedule due to shift work is inconvenient.

there’s also the weird narrative that the man whose heroic efforts to put some clothes on a toddler and take her to nursery 3 days a week (she’ll get breakfast at nursery so it’s just dressing her and putting her in the car) somehow mean he couldn’t possibly say good morning to his own son because he’s going to Work in his Big Important Job.

If his son feels unloved and unwelcome, maybe the father should consider making changes to his own lifestyle. Maybe he could not have an actual lie in every weekend day and spend time with his son. Maybe he could stick his head round the door and say ‘bye son’ at 7.30am.

Remember that super sad who is so worried about the son he doesn’t acknowledge in the morning is quite happy to leave him to wake in an empty house and sort himself out of the OP is at work on those mornings. But he’s rather wake a shift worker up to face a go than to just interact with his son at 7am.

but he’s a man. So the bar is on the fucking floor.

If I’m reading this right:

you work 3 days a week and alternate late shifts and early shifts (every other week).

Your DSS lives with you every other week/about 2 weeks a month.

over a 4 week period, there will therefore be about THREE DAYS where you’re SS will be at yours and you work late shifts.

this whole fuss is about 3 days??

this is all fairly inconsequential imo.

your DH gets to lie in ever weeekend.

that’s 8 days in a 4 week period.

you deserve to have 3 lie-ins in a 4 week period.

alternatively: you get up with DS but get to sleep late one day each weekend.

OP’s DH gets these “lie-ins” every weekend.

OP gets to have 6 (not 3, oops, miscalculated previously) in about 4 weeks.

it seems like a very beneficial schedule for the OP’s DH tbh

Also I'd just like to say that if OP worked 9-5 and went to bed at midnight, then absolutely she should get up at 8.

But she's on 11 hr gruelling hospital shifts. I think some people see the time and have just decided she is a lazy mare, when it sounds like she is very far from that.

Also once most people are awake, they are awake. Getting up at 8 and sorting out breakfast and whatever else an 11 year old apparently needs, would make it impossible for majority of people to sleep afterwards particularly when they need to leave the house at 10.30am.

It's not even a lie in. To me a lie in means time to goof around in bed getting extra sleep or reading or whatever. The OP is getting necessary sleep after her long, late shift in a stressful job.

I would. I would also be up to make breakfast and a quick chat on how they are feeling etc. children deserve this at least!

I have step children, 11 and 13. I love them and would do anything for them. The 13 year old is fully capable of getting himself up and off to school. The 11year old is, but he’s still wanting attention from us and is still a kid. My partner worked shifts previously and I would get up to get the kids breakfast and make sure they had their school bags together. Now that he’s not working shifts we share the responsibility .

Could the two of you share the responsibility?

If for any reason he had to stay the week you’re on earlies, who would be home to say goodbye to him then? Presumably nobody as you’re not there on 3 days, and neither is your DH. I wonder what your DHs suggestion would be for that option. You’re entitled to rest after working when your child is old enough to not need constant supervision in the morning. If he’s fine with it, your DH should be, and if your DH isn’t happy with it then he should find a solution himself.

The way I see it there’s only one solution - you either get a proper rest after your late shifts and DH finds another option (if SS wants it), or your DH gives up some of his weekend lie ins so you can have some at weekend too (something tells me he wouldn’t be happy with that solution)

Good grief. Where is that energy for the actual father?

OP only does late shifts a few times a month otherwise she is gone before EVERYONE wakes up when she is working her shifts. Her DH gets their daughter ready and takes her to nursery 3x a week leaving his 11 yo son alone to sort himself except for the 2 weekdays OP is off every week so she is there and awake and sees him on those days when he’s there.

Some are also forgetting that he is only there every other week so these late shifts may not always be during a time he’s even there.

He wouldn’t be keeping track of OP’s schedule to recall when those late night shifts are but knows she is there the two weekdays she is off and he’s there.

He’s used to OP not being there in the mornings three days a week so her working these late shifts would likely not factor in to him anyway. It’s only her DH who is concerned with these few days a month yet had no qualms leaving his child alone to get himself to school the weeks he’s there.

Perhaps, the DH should have thought twice about marrying someone who works 10-11 hour shifts in a hospital where they need to be alert if he wanted someone to see his son off.

Yes, I very clearly stated in my post that it's her prerogative, and depends on the child's personality.

I was merely pointing out that based on her comments on what she would do if it were own child, it's not as much a sleep/goodbye issue, as a "whose child is it" issue.

There's absolutely no shame in that but it's helpful to clarify what the actual discussion is, otherwise both parties just end up talking past each other!

Add to that is the fact that prior to DS seeing himself off in the mornings, it was the OP who took him to school when she was there in the morning....not the father. It seems to be that the oh-so-important man of the house did naff all with his son in the mornings when the OP was up anyway.