To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

@incomingtraffic of course it's relevant! A mother is a mother, a father a father regardless as to whether their children are biological or step. The OP clearly took on a parenting role as she took the child to school, but now can't be arsed to get out of bed!
Sorry, but that argument is appalling.

I completely agree

Wow. You are mean. And setting up a terrible relationship with this child as they get older.

Loads of parents go to bed around / after midnight. And still make sure their school age child get out the door ok and on their way.

You are a step mother. Step up.

If you were the mother and you were telling this same tale about a step father then MN mums would be tellling you to get rid of him.

It's awful behaviour.

If you really cannot be bothered you should not have married into this family.

I suggest you be honest with your DH and tell him you don't care for his DS and so he will need to stay later in the mornings to parent his child.

The thing is, when OP is on earlies she is not there full stop, and her SS has to get himself to school regardless.

If DH is happy with that on those shifts, and DSS is too - then why should OP change things when she's there but asleep in bed?

(Yes - if it was me I think I'd choose to get up because I hate the thought of my teens having to go to school without me sending them off, but if they were perfectly capable and had to do it half the time because I wasn't around, then I'd probably feel it was less of an issue. I'm just a bit soft).

OP has repeatedly said that DH could get his son up a bit earlier and spend time with him if he was that fussed. He doesn't do this when OP is on earlies, and DSS seems to manage fine. So DH can't have it both ways. Either DSS is fine or he's not - and if he isn't then DH needs to get him up earlier. End of.

If the OP doesn't get into the house until 11 on some days, I doubt she's literally falling asleep the moment she gets in the door. She will have to unpack her work stuff, deal with the various odds and ends that are always there at the end of the day, get ready for bed and probably read or chill a little before going to sleep. In my case, it'd probably be lights-off at 11:45 earliest.

Please bear in mind that not all of us are champion sleepers. I have to be careful about my sleep hygiene; I need a little bit of a wind-down before bedtime (switching my brain off from work, esp if I've had to work using a screen) and a bit of quiet reading time for 15-20 minutes or so after getting into bed, and if I were to wake up in the morning, there is no way I'd be able to fall back to sleep again for an hour or whatever afterwards, so I'd probably have to insist on sleeping a bit later than usual.

MN is weird about step-kids though; so many people on here seem so determined that step-parents should gush and fawn and generally over-compensate to "make it up to" the step kids. If it wasn't for the fact that this was a step-kid, I can guarantee most people would be of the CORRECT opinion, that yes, a bloody 11yo can cope without Mummy waving bye-bye every morning.

In fact most adolescent boys would be embarrassed at having to wave bye-bye Mummy like a four-year-old.

But that seems to be a common attitude on Mumsnet - keep them cute and babyish for as long as possible, and then wonder why they don't leave home until they're forty.

I can’t imagine not getting up regardless of whose child it was. Once someone is up all I can do is hear them and at 11 I would be thinking what’s he doing. I would go back to bed after. Plus I would want to say goodbye to DH and DD too.

@Kokeshi123 it's not fawning over a 'step-child'though is it? It's treating said child with respect and love as you would a biological child. And, if OP was asking this over her biological child, I would be offering the same advice. Get up!

@TommyNever he's 11. Not adolescent as yet. He's a child, presumably in Year 6 of primary school!

...and this is why we have a generation of kids who think the world revolves around them.

Yet another thread that’s gone to shit because people can’t read or fancy themselves as fiction writers (or both).

OP, YANBU.

If he was that arsed he’d get up with him himself, but he doesn’t. Whether you’re in the house or not!

Start waking him up at weekends.

I would find it controlling of my DH to wake me because he expected me to wave off DSS. I’d resist for this reason alone.

There’s no reason why he couldn’t go into DSS himself and say goodbye before he goes to work.

I do think someone should though.

But even the father doesn't treat the children the same and he's the actual parent of both of them. He sees his DD in the mornings but not his DS. If he can't be bothered to spend time with his DS in the mornings (whether OP is there or not), then why should it fall to OP to do so? Why is the bar higher for the SM than it is for the actual parent?

I think you are both selfish. I have an 11 year old son and wouldn’t make him feel unwanted like this.

My solutions are - DH leaves for work 30 mins later to get DSS up and chat to him as he has breakfast or you get up with him and then go back to bed. What time does he leave the house.

You seem to regard him as a teenager ‘older son’ . He’s a child and should be treated like a much loved child.

I am sitting here having got up my 11 year old at 6:45, drinking tea and chatting .

@Dontcallmescarface well that's not correct is it? The father is leaving in the morning with the daughter to go to work. Agreed something needs to be worked out by both parents when no one is available in the mornings, when both parents are at work, but in the 3 days a week OP is home, there's really no reason not to get up even if for a few minutes.
Basically, in this instance, Dads absence is unavoidable as he's working, and rightly, asks if OP, on the days she's at home, could check in with their ( and I say their, as that's the role OP took on when she decided to live with and have another child with the father) child. It's not hard.

it depends what sort of parent you want to be. some children thrive on the independence but would equally get a lot from the sort of relationship where you make the effort for them.
personally, if I was there, i'd be up for at least the 10 minutes it takes to ask if they need anything doing and see them off.
i work 5-midnight on my late shift days so i dont get to bed until 1am, sleep by 2am. if my husband goes to work early i'm up at 6.30am to take my son to work [a 20min walk] because i like the connection it gives us. it feels to me to be the right thing to do, because i can do it, so i WANT to do it. I've done the same for every child who has been in our life, birthed, adopted, fostered, step. All treated by DH and I exactly the same. "being yours" is a sad concept in my head if the child is living in your home even for a few days then in our home we try to make them feel "ours" for those few days.
and i can, and do, go back to sleep after.

I agree do is unreasonable. You never ever get a lie in whilst he does at weekends.

Either let dss come in to say bye, and then you have a chance of falling back to sleep which you wouldn’t if you actually get up
or
you agree to get up but then dh has to sort dd out one of the weekend days so you get a lie in too.

"It depends on what sort of parent you want to be. Some people, like me, want to be loving and connected parents because that's basically the sort of fantastic and deeply ethical human beings that we naturally are. Some people are content with being selfish harridans who do nothing for their kids because that's their personal style in life. Don't worry, I'm TOTALLY NOT JUDGING those parents, if you happen to be one! You do you."

Eye roll.

Personally, I think people who allow themselves to become unnecessarily sleep deprived for silly reasons that are under their control (you mention deliberately sleeping only 4.5 hours on some nights so that you can do the school walk yourself even though it could potentially be done by someone else?) are actually being quite selfish, if the person in question ever drives a vehicle or operates machinery, or works in a job where a poor decision caused by over-tiredness could affect other people (have you seen what field the OP works in?).

I think you're getting a hard time OP. Mixing between earlies and lates is hard on the body and so waking before you naturally would is a big deal. Also, getting in regularly after a late is different to getting in after a night out and going straight to bed. It's more like your tea time and not many of us get in from work, have tea and go straight to bed!

Personally I think it depends on the 11 year old as to whether getting ready alone is a big decision or not and a conversation needs to be had.

To me the options are :-

1. DSS likes the independence, likes the lie in and things stay the same. Or
2. DH gets DSS up, ready and drops him at breakfast club before work.

DH needs to stop waking you, decide what DSS needs and provide it!

Aged 11 he is not a baby. No need for emotional goodbyes. Just rest OP.

Your DH should trying doing shift work before criticizing you. See how he likes it.

Omfg this thread is off the charts mental.

people either cannot read or just make stuff up to fit a narrative.

Op is completely within her right to say to her DH, if you want DSS to see / talk to someone in the morning then YOU either wake him up slightly earlier (8 is late to wake up for school surely?) or YOU change your working hours to go in slightly later.

OP is asleep after working long demanding shifts in care. It’s an absolute piss take he won’t make DSS get up 20 mins earlier and instead will force OP awake.

It’s disgusting and absolutely about him resenting her rest. He sees it as a lie in, whereas actually it’s just OP getting the sleep she needs.

wake him up at 7 at the weekend OP.

YABU - I can see husband's point of view. It probably doesn't seem a lot to ask, given he will have to get up extra early to feed, dress, and get DD to nursery before work. You can go back to bed.

While your step son is old enough to sometimes be alone in the mornings; I think it is caring to be up and to say good bye (without being forced but because you want to).
You get in at 11:00 pm so make your go-to-bed routine faster and be in bed by 1130 pm.

Eight hours sleep before waking is pretty decent and you can go back and rest after he leaves.

It's three days every two weeks. For those three days the options are:

the step mum gets up early on the only three days she gets to lie in.

the stepson gets up early to have breakfast with his dad

he gets up at the normal time three days in 14 to meet his mates.

He's not some poor latchkey kid. He's at his mum's seven days a week. The OP is up two weekdays. It's three days a fortnight FFS.

But the dad only wants the option that affects the OP. He doesn't want his son to be put out in any way. I notice he doesn't offer the OP one of his lie ins at the weekend in return so at least she gets one lie a week. He just seems to want it all his own way. And as usual loads of women are piling in to defend him.

Of course you're not being unreasonable OP. Just be very clear that if you don't get lie ins three times a fortnight then he doesn't get lie ins twice a week.