To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

on the days she has worked a night shift
That's not quite right, OP doesn't work night shifts, she works until 10pm. She is saying she can't get up at 7am when DH leaves, but doesn't say why she can't get up occasionally before 8.30am when SS leaves.

I don’t get the drama with this? The kid is apparently fine with getting himself sorted, and it might build some independence.

It’s only going to school, it’s such an every day non event. If he was off on a trip for a few nights then yes a goodbye would be nice as could be feeling nervous as it’s different, but just for a normal school day? I’m sure the op bonds with him at other times and the kid isn’t neglected! Also if there was an emergency or he really needed her he could just go and wake her up. She certainly doesn’t sound like a monster!

And neither has the OP started a thread about agreeing that with a reluctant DH, with both of them doing whatever has to be done for both DC during the week.

You’re seeing what you want to see, not what’s there.

And neither has the OP started a thread about agreeing that with a reluctant DH, with both of them doing whatever has to be done for both DC during the week.

Can't make head nor tail of what you mean by this.

Couldn't agree more. Some of the comments on this thread are batshit.

And 11 isn't 'a little boy' as some pps are claiming.

When needs must because both adults are already out at work, he'll be fine, but because he often does have to get himself up and out without a goodbye, I can't imagine also doing it when there's a choice.

personally I find it a bit odd that you would happily let an 11 year old go to school without a goodbye or have a nice day..

if my husband treated my daughter ( his step daughter ) like that when she is that age I’d be horrified. Those brief moments before school can be really important to a child.. and I can’t get my head around people saying “ not your responsibility it’s your husbands” no, you married a man with a child. You may not have legal responsibility but he lives in your house, you have a duty of care still.
I’ve worked shifts and know how tiring it can be. But you’re getting home the same time most people go to bed anyway, if it was a night shift I’d be more understanding.

It's really depressing how people have low standards for step children.

Of course the child will be fine, will survive, other children are alone because their parents are at work, or other children have parents who worked until 2 or 5 am and actually do need their sleep.

It's still a cold attitude to have, to make sure he knows his place. It would be so little effort to be up 5 mn before he leaves to wish him a good day like normal parents do, but then again, let's make clear he's only a step-child and tolerated.

I agree totally. It's cold.

Seems to be a lot of projecting going on on this thread.

If the OP was male would you be suggesting there was 'something missing in' them?

Sleep in. He'll live.

I think it's really sad, the time you go to bed is earlier than my usual bedtime and I have to get my kids up at 7, including my 15 year old. I can't imagine an 11 year old being responsible for getting themselves up and ready tbh, maybe my children are really delayed. But your bedtime isn't particularly late, so I do think you should see them off. You have a child with your partner so I don't think it's just your partner's responsibility, you are a truly blended family with siblings.

I hope you have higher standards for your own kids

wouldn't you?

If the thread was about a man coming back from work at 10:30 or 11, and refusing to get up around 8am to spend 5mn with a step child and wishing them a good day because he felt like sleeping in and a step-child is not his problem, posters would be outraged.

I doubt they would.

Because, in that situation, the child’s mother would most likely have rearranged her work or made childcare arrangements on the basis that her partner worked shifts. We probably wouldn’t even have heard about it.

But here we have a father who is happy to leave his son to wake up in an empty house and get himself to school regularly (this happens whenever the OP is working early shifts). And somehow people are irate because a woman has dared to match the father’s parenting energy.

I don't think, OP that the issue here is about getting up to say bye to your stepson at all.
The issue is, you feel hard done by, clearly. And you wanted to come on here and get validation for those feelings.

Here's a truth..single Mums work full time, some til late at night, ( not 11pm, all night) and they then manage to sort their kids before school.
You go to bed at midnight, you have 7.5hours sleep, and only work 3 days. Christ alive, can you not go downstairs in your pj's and check on the child, then go back to bed?What if he's tearful, what if he's been bullied, what if his teacher is a massive cock and he's stood downstairs fearing school? Who's there for him? Whose there for the 'just in case'. He's 11. That's all. Still a child. There's honestly not many years left where he will need either of you, so appreciate it whilst it's there.
As for your DH requesting it, maybe he's fearful of his little boy growing up, maybe he cares about his welfare. So maybe, do both yourselves a favour and step up

If the thread was about a man coming back from work at 10:30 or 11, and refusing to get up around 8am to spend 5mn with a step child and wishing them a good day because he felt like sleeping in and a step-child is not his problem, posters would be outraged.

Personally in the circumstances OP's outlined, I'm not outraged by either scenario, a woman or a man doing this. The kid's 11, not 4, and the requirements of adults matter as much as those of children. Or at least they should.

If the thread was about a man coming back from work at 10:30 or 11, and refusing to get up around 8am to spend 5mn with a step child and wishing them a good day because he felt like sleeping in and a step-child is not his problem, posters would be outraged.

No they wouldn't. I'd have sympathy for anyone, male or female, he got in from work that late and didn't have another opportunity for a decent sleep.

@Humanswarm But what single mothers do for their children is not relevant here. 1. Because it’s a stepchild (so a child with two parents who aren’t the OP) and 2. The child’s father decides not to say goodbye to his son when he leaves at 7.30.

Because, in that situation, the child’s mother would most likely have rearranged her work or made childcare arrangements on the basis that her partner worked shifts. We probably wouldn’t even have heard about it.

The mother would rearrange her shifts or change her job despite her husband being IN THE HOUSE after a good 8 hours sleep with a 10 year old because the husband wouldn't be arsed to be nice? 😂
Right.

Some people really have low standards

My dad worked shifts when I was growing up. He never got up early in the morning after a late shift to say goodbye to me before school. Not once. No one thought that was weird or unreasonable.

OP, YANBU.

I was going to stay the same. Surely a step parent is supposed to treat the children as if they are their own. I hope the lady who posted that comment doesn’t have step children.

If you think that's the typical narrative around stepparenting on MN, you've either not been here long or been reading very selectively.