To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

She doesn’t see him on her early shift at 5am either so what’s so special about seeing him when working late?

because when you are home get your ass out of bed and show some basic humanity to a child, not hard and not a lot to ask of an adult. imagine sitting there eating cereal alone and not even a goodbye have a nice day. it makes me feel sick for this child. it is entitlement and laziness and an emotional disconnect about this child's feelings and emotional right. not just a need but a child has a right to feel like it matters and in this situation the child doesnt. if it were my child I would be telling my ex see you in court if you want more than every other weekend because no way a step mother will be allowed to ignore my child like it is nothing and does not exist whilst she is laying in bed after her own bio child has been taken with the dad and the poor kid is invisible. simply heartless.

Some of us value sleep more than others. I don't view 4 hours as remotely desirable or standard. 8 hours is fine on an average day but I'd want a longer lie in than that at least occasionally or I'd feel burnt out, especially with a hectic life without much down time.

You could just as easily mock the whining about an 11 year old doing something that's not unusual for their age. Eating cereal alone is not as bad a fate as being perpetually tired - it's you who's whining over nothing.

Wow! Really. You sound a bit unhinged. Plenty of people in my generation got themselves up, ready and put to school with no parental involvement. I did it from the age of 8. My dad was sleeping off shifts or already away early and my mum was away early. On my mums day off I didn’t see her in the morning because even at 8 years old I thought ‘mum needs to sleep’. I never thought I didn’t matter and to be honest I’ve always liked that slice of time to myself.

imagine sitting there eating cereal alone and not even a goodbye have a nice day.

I can imagine, it's absolutely fine. You are dominating the thread with your opinion, we've all heard it now.

It's my opinion that you sound ridiculous, eating cereal alone is NOT hard, and never getting a lie in IS hard.

I am responding to each attack with a measured response so dont respond to my opinion what a hypocrite.

Would you get up for him if her were your DD rather than your DSS?

Would you get up for your DD at this age?

Personally I think it’s shameful that you expect an 11yo to get up 30/15/10 mins early (depending on which of your posts you read) rather than a grown ass woman who’s already had 7 hours of sleep. Or are you saying that you need more than 7 hours of sleep a night, as a woman in her prime with a young child of her own?

Or are you saying that you need more than 7 hours of sleep a night, as a woman in her prime with a young child of her own?

I will happily say that I need that sometimes, yes.

Your mask has slipped there. We can all see that you are a misogynist man with an agenda.

‘you women…’. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I advocate for things being about everyone in the family, not just the child. People like you are creating a generation of people that think children should be the centre of the universe when they are children, then miserable as an adult if god forbid they ever have children of their own. There is a more balanced approach where the needs of everyone are considered. Yours is awful.

If it were just sometimes, I suspect the OP wouldn’t feel compelled to ask this question on MN. It’s because it’s every time.

Given the DH feels he needs a lie in both weekend days, every weekend, this sounds to me like a puerile “he gets more sleep than I do, it’s not faaaaaair” argument between two adults, with an 11yo boy paying the price. Pathetic. This lad who gets himself up and out every day without either adult even checking in on him (one of them preferring their 8th hour of sleep) sounds more mature than both of them put together.

Look, he's a part of your life now. You must now him a few years now. I think there's something missing in you to not want to get up.

I don't even know him and I feel bad for him.

I don't think I understand the timings.

You go to sleep at 12, 3 days per fortnight.
DH gets DD ready and they leave at 7.
SS gets up at 8, presumably leaving 8.30 or so to get to school.
You get up at 9? If leaving by 10am to work 11am-10pm.
You really can't get up by 8.30am after going to bed at midnight?

You leave at 5am for 3 days the other week, so start work at 6am, working until 5pm so home at 6pm.
So you don't see your toddler DD at all for 6 days per fortnight?

Do you have children?

Have those children ever needed to go to hospital?

*And if they have gone to hospital, perhaps in the evening or even in the middle of the night, have you ever said to the healthcare worker -

And does this job sometimes mean that you don't get up with your children? Your partner gets then up, sorted & off to nursery without you seeing them either?

Obviously you do you but I feel sorry for your partner & it must be a bit shit for your children*

Or do you just take it for granted that some people in society are willing to make sacrifices when it comes to their family life so that we have health care workers, and paramedics, and fire fighters etc?

I think it’s fine. My Mum worked nights so got home and went to bed. Then I’d get myself up (from aged 11) have cereal and set off for the bus. Think my Dad didn’t get up
until 8. I can’t remember but I don’t think I was traumatised from not having anyone say bye to me in the morning. I liked the independence.

One day a week my DS (now 13 but has been doing this for a year) gets himself up and out of the door as I’m working and it’s his favourite day! He would like me to not be around more in the morning.

Exactly, well said! Wondering if @deedee2023 has any idea of the demands of a job and working hours pattern of the OP. And whether @deedee23 has read the stats on errors made by tired health care workers, referenced in this thread.
@deedee23 seems to love hurling insults at women in general, and at this OP, without having read and understood even OP's own posts.
Maybe some hard working women with young kids getting up after a few hours sleep are at least home at a sensible time, either after school pick up, or maybe 5, 6, 7pm, even. These people self report (see numerous mn threads) that their nerves are on edge all evening, often shouting at their kids, until the kids are finally in bed when frazzled mums reach desperately for the bottle of wine, if not before, whereas on Op's late shifts she's still working until 11pm, then an hour to get home, followed by eating, unwinding before sleep.
I know which type of mum or stepmum I would prefer. This boy is 11 years old, for goodness sake, not 6, or even 8!

Load of sanctimonious claptrap on some posts in this thread about this poor, neglected dss, aged 11, with no evidence to back up that judgement. It's DH's behaviour re this specific issue of requiring OP to wake up after not enough sleep to see her DSS off which needs closer scrutiny/analysis

@Delatron yes, but your boy only has to do this one day per week because you're in work.
This young boy is doing it day after day because someone chooses not to get up. Doesn't have to do it all the time but sometimes would be nice.
What if he has something going on at school that day, a test, a play. It's a bit heartbreaking that someone would choose not to get up and say good luck, or enjoy your day.

I think if you're a step parent you have to be present in the child's life

I'm a step parent and I would never treat my stepson like this. Never.

Quite a few people have said they had this 5 days a week with no issue.

Maybe your step-children find you overbearing if you’re always there.

*If it were just sometimes, I suspect the OP wouldn’t feel compelled to ask this question on MN. It’s because it’s every time.

Given the DH feels he needs a lie in both weekend days, every weekend, this sounds to me like a puerile “he gets more sleep than I do, it’s not faaaaaair” argument between two adults, with an 11yo boy paying the price. Pathetic. This lad who gets himself up and out every day without either adult even checking in on him (one of them preferring their 8th hour of sleep) sounds more mature than both of them put together.*

That you've come to the conclusion that it's "pathetic" says more about you tbh.

Like many people, he has decided he wants to sleep in at least once a week. OP feels the same and this is the only time that is possible. There's nothing "puerile" about that, she's not pretending to want a similar amount of sleep to him, she obviously just actually does want a similar amount of sleep to him. An amount that many adults aspire to.

Another alternative might be her sleeping in on the weekend instead of him, but strangely he hasn't suggested that.

@Twentyfirstcenturymumma Totally agree with everything you've said there!

@Lacucuracha I'm not always there, he's always here. We live in the same house and I've raised him since he was nine, he's eighteen now.

You could just read OP’s posts where your questions are answered.

She has literally said that she works 10-11 hour shifts. On late shifts she may get off between 10 pm and 11 pm (sometimes later) and can’t settle into bed until 1am when she is working these shifts which are only a few times a month otherwise she is on the early shifts where she is gone before anyone wakes up.

Her daughter has nursery only three weekdays where her father dresses her and takes her to nursery while OP has her all day the other two weekdays. OP gets up with her daughter and SS (if he is there) those days and the weekends, her DH gets a lie-in on the weekends.

OP is wanting to not be woken up by her DH on the days she has worked a night shift.

Her DH has no issue with himself or thought to change anything on his end to stay with his son for a bit on the many days she is working the early shifts where once he and their daughter leave, his son is by himself but for some reason some posters don’t seem to have an issue with that.

How much time is he actually spending with his son if OP is mostly on early shifts?

It’s just the morning though. I’m sure parents/step parents are around after school for hours to chat about his day and his mental well-being. And all weekend. It’s what 30 minutes in the morning? It didn’t bother me at that age. I was quite happy not to chat to anyone in the morning aged 11.

Yes it’s only one morning for my DS but he would be more than happy if it was more than that (he has told me this).

Yes exactly. Once kids hit secondary school I’m not sure how much chit chat they want over breakfast in the morning for 20 minutes!