Page 15 | To not get out of bed just to say bye.

LadyDane · 2023-06-30T06:11:30+00:00

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight. My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am. He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year. Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'. There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late. AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

veryfluffyfluff · 01/07/2023 08:38

Does the kid even care?

MidnightEagle · 01/07/2023 09:01

It would be nice for someone to be there with your SS in the mornings. He is still quite young and it must be a bit lonely for him. I'm not saying that should be you though. I think if your DH thinks it's important he'll need to arrange to go into work later on those days.

JudgeRudy · 01/07/2023 09:09

drwitch · 30/06/2023 07:16

Guess he is 11 year 6. So it is a bit young not to be waved goodbye but it's not the end of the world. But is there anyway DH could leave slightly later to create some kind of overlap -even if it's just to bring ds a glass of milk in bed to wake him up

Interesting. I was thinking the opposite. He's 11. He should not need reminding to get up and he certainly shouldn't need reminding to clean his teeth/get some cereal. Why is his dad setting his alarm? If he's that immature I hope he's not going out on his own or making any decisions.
It's as if your OH views you being in bed as a treat/lie in. What he's actually asking you to do is get up early so his son (he?) feels better.
I'd say no. YANBU

Original poster

LadyDane · 01/07/2023 09:20

You can get a nap in the day as well

When??

OP posts:

lauraloulou1 · 01/07/2023 09:24

Sounds like your partner has picked up on this one thing as its a tangible aspect of what sounds like a bigger intangible thing. Doesn't sound like this kid is getting much of a welcome in your home and I wonder how you would feel if someone was treating your kid like this? A quick hug hello and goodbye isn't asking for too much - perhaps consider why it seems to be too much for you?

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 09:25

how terrible for this poor young boy! yes it is her responsibility to co-parent a child that is in a 50-50 shared custody arrangement. when you have a relationship with someone who already had children then those children were there first and deserve to be shown basic humanity. if you would not sleep in and let your own biological 11 year go to school with zero morning involvement then don't do it to step-children. it is emotionally cruel to the child imagine how that child feels. it is hard enough for them to have to be in a broken home and live in 2 houses which they did not choose. how sad for mothers to defend this and say it is the father's sole responsibility. why have a child with a man with another child?

AuntMarch · 01/07/2023 09:26

I would get up, I would want to see both children in the morning. Then leisurely breakfast and peaceful morning before going to work. That is just what my preference would be though.

I still think the fact that your husband is only bothered when you are on lates and doesn't feel DS needs to see him when you have left at 5am means YANBU. His double standard stinks.

RandomMess · 01/07/2023 10:20

Is DH up from his lay in yet?

I couldn't have resisted going in every half an hour to tell him the DC wanted him.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 01/07/2023 11:17

Tabitha2721 · 01/07/2023 08:35

I don’t go to bed until gone midnight most nights and I’m up at 7 with my kids 🤷‍♀️ I don’t know why you wouldn’t? You can get a nap in the day as well - I work 60+ hours in a senior position in financial services and I do just fine.

Having worked in financial services and with people who have worked in very senior positions in financial services I think 60+ hours in financial services looks very different to 60+ hours in the NHS!

But I'm not sure how you think a healthcare worker is going to nap during the day when they are on shift🙄

TBH I don't get to sleep until 3am most days and I am up at 8 so why on earth you are going to bed at midnight and not getting up until 7am I don't understand. I get so more more time to do things during my day and I do just fine.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 01/07/2023 11:19

I don't understand why so many poster are saying "if you wouldn't let your biological child leave in the morning without saying goodbye then you shouldnt let your stepson leave in the morning without saying goodbye"

The OPs daughter leaves in the morning before (if her DH wasn't an arse) she gets up. She is literally treating both children exactly the same.

aSofaNearYou · 01/07/2023 11:30

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 09:25

how terrible for this poor young boy! yes it is her responsibility to co-parent a child that is in a 50-50 shared custody arrangement. when you have a relationship with someone who already had children then those children were there first and deserve to be shown basic humanity. if you would not sleep in and let your own biological 11 year go to school with zero morning involvement then don't do it to step-children. it is emotionally cruel to the child imagine how that child feels. it is hard enough for them to have to be in a broken home and live in 2 houses which they did not choose. how sad for mothers to defend this and say it is the father's sole responsibility. why have a child with a man with another child?

I mean OP has literally said he doesn't care and likes going to school with his mates, but don't let that spoil your dramatics.

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 11:45

if she thought it was ok she would not have posted and there is nothing dramatic about caring about the emotional welfare of an 11 year old child who gets out of bed, gets dressed, brushes hair, eats breakfast, grabs the lunch and exits the house whilst the parental figure in charge is sleeping through it all. it is pretty shameful actually for anyone to think this is ok. if you would not do it to your own child don't do it to a step child. moral of the story is women need to stop having kids with men who already have kids and expecting them to be lesser in value.

yogasaurus · 01/07/2023 11:54

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 11:45

if she thought it was ok she would not have posted and there is nothing dramatic about caring about the emotional welfare of an 11 year old child who gets out of bed, gets dressed, brushes hair, eats breakfast, grabs the lunch and exits the house whilst the parental figure in charge is sleeping through it all. it is pretty shameful actually for anyone to think this is ok. if you would not do it to your own child don't do it to a step child. moral of the story is women need to stop having kids with men who already have kids and expecting them to be lesser in value.

The ‘parental figure’ has decided he would like his child to have an extra hour in bed and not get up at 7am. The parental figure could easily do all these things if he got his son up at the time when most kids get up for school.

aSofaNearYou · 01/07/2023 11:54

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 11:45

if she thought it was ok she would not have posted and there is nothing dramatic about caring about the emotional welfare of an 11 year old child who gets out of bed, gets dressed, brushes hair, eats breakfast, grabs the lunch and exits the house whilst the parental figure in charge is sleeping through it all. it is pretty shameful actually for anyone to think this is ok. if you would not do it to your own child don't do it to a step child. moral of the story is women need to stop having kids with men who already have kids and expecting them to be lesser in value.

It's dramatic to assume he's really upset about it, even though OP has said he isn't. It's the DH that has the issue and since he has no issue when OP is working, it's clearly just because he hypocritically thinks her sleeping in is lazy.

You do not know that OP would not do this with her own child, many 11 year old's do sort themselves out. Nonetheless, I fundamentally disagree that she has to act like he's hers. It's fine to say his dad needs to take responsibility and leave for work later if he wants this for his son.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 01/07/2023 12:13

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 11:45

if she thought it was ok she would not have posted and there is nothing dramatic about caring about the emotional welfare of an 11 year old child who gets out of bed, gets dressed, brushes hair, eats breakfast, grabs the lunch and exits the house whilst the parental figure in charge is sleeping through it all. it is pretty shameful actually for anyone to think this is ok. if you would not do it to your own child don't do it to a step child. moral of the story is women need to stop having kids with men who already have kids and expecting them to be lesser in value.

Why do you keep assuming the OP wouldn't do it to her biological child?

Just because you wouldn't doesn't mean she wouldn't. And given the entire thrust of your argument seems to be based off this assumption that she wouldn't do it to her own child, that kind of makes your argument pretty invalid tbh

Plenty of posters have come on and said that either they let their own children do this at this age or their parent let them do this at this age.

And its also a pretty big assumption to say that the OP is treating the son as lesser when she has been the one reaponsible for taking him to school every other week up until now.

Moral of the story is people need to stop assuming step mum's are treating children differently in the absence of any proof to back this up

You sound like you just dont like the OP because she chose to have a child with someone who already had one tbh so Im sure she will never be able to do right in your eyes.

I notice there is no condemnation for men having children with women who already have kids.

IncomingTraffic · 01/07/2023 12:14

yogasaurus · 01/07/2023 11:54

The ‘parental figure’ has decided he would like his child to have an extra hour in bed and not get up at 7am. The parental figure could easily do all these things if he got his son up at the time when most kids get up for school.

Show quote history

But that parent is a man… so obviously he’s superdad because he’s dressed a toddler and dropped her at nursery.

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 12:28

I would say exactly the same thing if the mother was off and the step father was in bed leaving his step child to get themselves ready for school without human interaction from the parental figure. it is pretty simple for me, how would the child feel and I advocate for kids and have seen way too many kids grow up and feel like second hand citizens in their own homes because of a step parents who were casually thoughtless and casually unequal.

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 12:30

yes you are right, he has no needs to be met at 11 he can do it all himself and his dad is crap. she can sleep and that's fine. no worries. lovely mothers with such compassion over step children.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 01/07/2023 12:49

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 12:28

I would say exactly the same thing if the mother was off and the step father was in bed leaving his step child to get themselves ready for school without human interaction from the parental figure. it is pretty simple for me, how would the child feel and I advocate for kids and have seen way too many kids grow up and feel like second hand citizens in their own homes because of a step parents who were casually thoughtless and casually unequal.

But the dad is leaving the house every other week leaving his child entirely alone where's your wrath for that?

Its somehow always the woman's fault

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 12:56

the dad isn't going to the pub he's going to work! and there is no wrath it's a conversation and I think its crappy to leave an 11 year old you see every other week to fend for himself instead of getting up for 5 minutes to see him off and wish him a good day. I know it's a criminal act on my part! and I do believe that if it were her 11 year old bio kid she would get up.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 01/07/2023 12:58

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 12:56

the dad isn't going to the pub he's going to work! and there is no wrath it's a conversation and I think its crappy to leave an 11 year old you see every other week to fend for himself instead of getting up for 5 minutes to see him off and wish him a good day. I know it's a criminal act on my part! and I do believe that if it were her 11 year old bio kid she would get up.

But that's my point. You believe that so you are judging her based on that, your belief, not actual facts. You've made up a story in your head and now you are using it as a stick to beat her with.

yogasaurus · 01/07/2023 12:59

I do believe that if it were her 11 year old bio kid she would get up.

It’s not a thread about your made up beliefs though.

bringincrazyback · 01/07/2023 13:03

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 12:56

the dad isn't going to the pub he's going to work! and there is no wrath it's a conversation and I think its crappy to leave an 11 year old you see every other week to fend for himself instead of getting up for 5 minutes to see him off and wish him a good day. I know it's a criminal act on my part! and I do believe that if it were her 11 year old bio kid she would get up.

You're guessing/assuming. There is no possible way to know that.

It's depressingly unsurprising to see the anti-stepparent lobby putting the boot in on this thread, though.

Also I have to say I don't really get why some posters are saying it's crappy or even 'lonely' for an 11-year-old to get themselves up and out of the house under their own steam. It wouldn't have bothered me at that age, in fact I'd have preferred it as I'm too groggy to talk or interact much first thing in the morning. I think I'd have enjoyed the sense of independence too. It all depends on the child and their personality.

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 13:04

ok lets look at the facts;

11 year old comes to their blended home every other week
father goes to work and leaves at 7:30am
step mother on the days she gets home late sleeps as the kid preps himself for school, gets is own breakfast, let's himself out of the house
he leaves for school as an adult stays in bed

I would not care if it was an aunt, uncle, foster parent, baby sitter, bio father Get your ass out of bed and show some basic kindness to a child! And when her bio kid is 11, get out of bed and say goodbye, have a lovely day at school, then go back to bed.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 01/07/2023 13:08

deedee2023 · 01/07/2023 13:04

ok lets look at the facts;

11 year old comes to their blended home every other week
father goes to work and leaves at 7:30am
step mother on the days she gets home late sleeps as the kid preps himself for school, gets is own breakfast, let's himself out of the house
he leaves for school as an adult stays in bed

I would not care if it was an aunt, uncle, foster parent, baby sitter, bio father Get your ass out of bed and show some basic kindness to a child! And when her bio kid is 11, get out of bed and say goodbye, have a lovely day at school, then go back to bed.

Okay lets look at the facts then.

On the mornings the OP is on lates two children leave the house. One is her biological child one is her step child. Both of those children leave the house before the OP gets up.

On the basis of these facts you believe that the OP would not let her biological child leave the house without saying goodbye and shes only doing it because its her step son.

So your belief is in direct contradiction with the facts.