To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

FFS, it's not just the fact she isn't getting up to wave to this child!

DAD IS QUITE HAPPY TO LET HIS SON LEAVE ON HIS OWN WITHOUT WAVING BYE BYE WHEN SHES ON EARLIES! ITS ONLY AN ISSUE TO HIM WHEN SHES IN BED.

Jeez, can no one really see the double standard here. Why doesn't he start work an hour later and see his son out the door when she's on earlies?

Because it inconveniences HIM!

Fuck sake, so many people bending over backwards to ensure OP is the evil stepmum.

Love all the people who think I get in at 10:30/11pm and am asleep by 11:15 😂

love the one who think all the non-shift workers are in bed at 9pm 😂

Please show us working parent who are in bed by 11, having magically finish all their work then chores. Who are these parents who get 12 hour sleep a night 😂

But we're talking about being in bed for midnight and getting up around 8am, that's a bit more than 3 hours.

But we're talking about being in bed for midnight and getting up around 8am, that's a bit more than 3 hours

let's be honest, if if was about their own child, people would do it. On what planet isn't " a short" 8 hours of sleep 3 nights a week not enough?

The double standard would be for dad to stay in bed but expect wifey to get up. The double standard is not to wake-up the child early for no reason so HE says good-bye to his dad.

FFS, people are twisting the story so much, because the OP is a woman, and the step-child a boy.

But we're talking about being in bed for midnight and getting up around 8am, that's a bit more than 3 hours.

And if it was my only chance for a lie in, then I would be taking it. If I always got up after 8 hours and never had a lie in, on top of not having any evening time to myself, I would fast become very tired and depressed.

It's not her child though? His dad is there and can do that?

Well we're all different, in this case Dad is doing the nursery run not lying in bed.

I personally would at least show my face and check he's ok, DP has a daughter and I'd do the same for her in the same circumstances.

’I’d do the same’ is not the same as ‘I do the same’

It’s easy to say the former.

FYI OP, thread has been picked up by Metro.co.uk

metro.co.uk/2023/06/30/stepmother-criticised-for-cold-routine-with-husbands-son-19042726/?ico=mosaic_home

I’m not sure why you’re saying your Dss could get up 15 or more minutes earlier so he isn’t on his own.
Once your DH leaves, your Dss will still have the same amount of time on his own, maybe longer. That’s lonely for him.
Poor boy, I feel sorry for him. Can’t see you doing the same to your DD when she’s 11.

If you are married/LTR with your partner and the DSS lives with you then you should be treating him the same as any of your own children. He is family. I wouldn't be letting an 11 year old leave by himself. I wake my 16 year old up at 6am, make sure everything's sorted, wave him off at 7am. I'm often not in bed till past midnight but I'll still get up at 6am because that's what parents do. Lie ins are for the weekend.

OP what was the arrangement when DSS was too young to be left on his own if you did an early?

The more I read and take in your op
Id not be happy at the barging in and wakening me up( I am a nightmare without sleep)

I think the child has to get up at 7am
put your foot down and not more long sleeps for husband at weekend until things change

exactly that. He'll be in the same situation, with less sleep.

What's the point of that?

Poor kid. It's not his fault his parents divorced and he has to spend time in his step-mother's house.

Maybe his father should arrange his work so that he can leave after seeing his son off at school on the 3 mornings every fortnight this happens on.

And the cooking and eating dinner as well? If you finished work at 5pm get home at 6 the are you really going to eat relax and be in bed at 7 and asleep in 15 mins?

The dad does stay in bed every weekend for a lie in while OP gets up with their child.

The dad then barges in and wakes OP up on her only lie ins.

My mum worked shift work and I didn't expect her to get up and wave me off.

His father is doing the nursery run.
Maybe he could ser his son off to school and OP can do the nursery run instead.

Can't believe the voting. You're not going to bed that late. You could get up at 7.50 in time to say goodbye, got everything?have a good day. Yes at 11 they don't need it but kindness (or lack of) is always felt. Yabvu.

The nursery run timing is around his work. If he changes his work he can still do both. Or do you somehow feel a dad taking one child is more than you’d expect and it’s just TOO MUCH to expect him to do anything for his other child too? Your comment reads a bit that way. My Dh picks up all his children in the afternoon, from school and childcare. Wow.

Yes absolutely. I used to work evenings, got home at 1130 and was usually asleep by 1230.

When you work a late shift like that you eat dinner at work at regular dinner hour, you don't get home and cook a full meal. Yes, when I worked evenings (for years) I was asleep about an hour after I got home. When you work shift work, you adapt. Going to bed at midnight isn't the same as going to bed at 7pm. What are you talking about?

If you go out in the evening, do you not come home nad go to bed? Do you act like it is hours earlier and stay up until 2 or 3 am? No, of course not. Nighttime is the best time to sleep so you maximize your nighttime hours of sleep.

How do you even know for sure your SS is awake? My DS (15) regularly sleeps through his alarm. If I wasn't up by 7 on school days he'd be late for school on occasion! I'm in a car share so some mornings there's no need for me to be up early but I still set my alarm. DH wfh so sets his alarm for 11 & DD (19) back from Uni so she's up at 11 ish 😆 atm. I only manage 6-7 hrs sleep on a good day as I'm peri P so clearly the OP is younger & is lucky enough to sleep well still. When does your SS actually have yo leave the house OP? Can't you get up 10 mins before he leaves just to make sure he's OK & actually awake? PS when he's a teenager he's going to find it much harder to drag himself out of bed & will need to remember tons of things to take to Secondary school every day.

*DH sets his alarm for 8 I meant

I don’t go to bed until gone midnight most nights and I’m up at 7 with my kids 🤷‍♀️ I don’t know why you wouldn’t? You can get a nap in the day as well - I work 60+ hours in a senior position in financial services and I do just fine.