To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

This isn't really about either adult, it's about a child🤷‍♀️. I'm sorry you're not able to see that.

The posters finding falling all over themselves to find fault with the OP are hilarious, especially the one that referred to the shared child as ‘OP’s daughter’, in order to suggest a father taking his own kid to nursery is somehow a selfless act of generosity to the lazy slattern OP. 😂

Seeing as though my perfectly reasonable response to this was deleted I will repeat... how many people do you think finish work at 10 and are in bed by 10.30? I'll give you a clue... none. The OP doesn't go to bed at 10.30 so again, if you need to make stuff up or lie to make a point, it isn't a point worth making is it? Seeing as though the OP works longer days than he does AND he gets both weekend days to lie in (that needs to stop by the way op) then he needs to figure out how to sort BOTH of his children out. He is the one with the issue so he needs to fix it. If I were him, I would get the 11 year old up at 7, do breakfast together, say goodbyes and let then get themselves ready and out the door. It's what we do if I need to go to bed after a night shift and OH has to get to work early. Mine is perfectly capable and is 10! OP doesn't need to be involved at all on those 3 days a fortnight and seeing as though they are the only days she gets to stay in bed then she needs to put her foot down.
Sometimes I wonder why it is women encourage other women to do more and expect less from those around them. Its very interesting.

So true. Even when I am work until 1am, I still hate going to bed straightaway. I need some time to myself.

OP would have had different answers if she said she worked 6am- 5pm and then had to start at 6am the next day. No one would expect her to go to bed at 6pm so she could get up at 3am or whatever to see off DSS.

An 11 hour day must be knackering, and then to be expected to go straight to bed - without food - to get enough sleep to simply be there so that DSS doesn't have to make his own toast.

It's baffling to me that anyone thinks this is normal and that the OP should suck up lack of sleep or a mere hour or so of downtime after an 11 hour shift, when there are three other obvious alternatives:-

• DSS gets up at 7 and his DF makes him breakfast, I repeat most school age DCs have to get up at this time anyway

• DH starts work a bit later on the 2-3 days per fortnight that OP has an evening shift NB I don't think he is doing 11 hour shifts so he should perfectly be able to suck up finishing after 6 a few days

• DSS gets himself up and out and manages to survive without step motherly hugs ( DS stopped wanting hugs a lot earlier than 11) 3 days a fortnight.

There are apparently a lot of unnecessary martyrs on this thread, or possibly people who don't need much sleep and see it as a bit of a weakness to need more than 5 hrs.

There are apparently a lot of unnecessary martyrs on this thread, or possibly people who don't need much sleep and see it as a bit of a weakness to need more than 5 hrs.

not really.

Many of us don't have the luxury to go to bed a 10pm for a start 😂, but home at 10:30 or 11, in bed at midnight, up at 8am to say bye to your child is not really the hardship some posters make it up to be.

Do you go to sleep 60 - 90 minutes after getting home from work?

Well it should work 2 ways then, DSS should surely be able to get up at 7 am because his DF can put him to bed at any time so he'll still get 10-11 hrs sleep.

Going to bed after midnight means you get less quality sleep than someone who sleeps at 10am. It can also be harder to fall alsleep.

OP is right to prioritise her sleep.

Some people are wilfully ignorant of shift working and they say it fucks up your sleep.

What a absolute dick.

As long as he kept this up, I would barge in every single weekend morning to wake him up.

And I certainly wouldn't be getting up just because he barged in and told me to.

Love all the people who think I get in at 10:30/11pm and am asleep by 11:15 😂 I literally find it impossible to walk in from a long shift and just go straight to bed. And absolutely hilarious talking about all the breaks I must get at work to have my tea during therefore I don't need to waste time eating when I get home. Have you ever worked in the NHS?

So do you go to bed straight after work or do you do things like eat, wash, clean up, decompress from work? Why should op not have the same ability just because her 11 hr workday ends at 10/11pm rather than the standard 8hr day at 5/6pm.

So that SS can get up at 8 as opposed to 7 apparently.

Yes, at his age, an adult should be seeing him off, it's the nice thing to do.

I have to say I don’t always get up to see my own 14 yo off because

1. i have health issues that stop me being able to get to sleep easily so I really need every minute I can get in the morning
2. she likes to leave extra early for school - if she left at the time required to be on time I would see her so that’s kind of her choice
3. she actually says she prefers the quiet time

Most mornings I see her when my younger child has a before school club, but when he doesn’t and I don’t need to be up I sometimes grab the extra half hour - it can make a big difference

In this case, why can’t your DH leave a bit later (speak to his work perhaps?) or wake his ds up at 7 before he goes? Why is it ok for you to be woken before you need to be, but not ok for your dss?

Yes - why does he get the weekend lie ins and not you?

Absolutely this, I'd see him off and then take my breakfast back to bed if I was still tired. Seems mean not to even acknowledge him when you're in the house. It's not like you've been on a full night shift and only just gone to bed.

@BungalowBuyer it would in fact be much easier for OP to stay awake for an extra hour at the end of a shift than it is for her to get up before she has had her needed quota of sleep.

Despite all the mumsnetters on here who seemingly survive on 3 hrs if they are lucky and the wholesome embrace of their DC before, they head off to the mines for a 15 hr shift, adults are meant to need 7-8 hrs on average.

Incidentally 7-12 year olds are meant to need between 10-11 hrs, so even if DSS has a 9pm bedtime, if he gets up at 7 he'll still be getting 10 hrs.

Why do people struggle to understand that some people find it easier than others to get back to sleep once they've got up? It's not as easy for everyone to "just go back to bed" as people are saying.

I missed this gem. Tell him coldly and calmly that if he wakes you up again you’ll
fuck over his sleep.

This isn't really about either adult, it's about a child🤷‍♀️. I'm sorry you're not able to see that.

I would deem that a child of that age having a bit of independence in the morning is not going to be as negatively impacted by that as an adult who rarely gets any down time, never getting enough sleep. I'm sorry you're not able to see that!

It's not a necessity though. The child's FATHER can ensure his child's cereal bowl and cereal on the dining table or that his clothes are hanging on his door.

OP doesn't need to be part of the equation.

Yes if the DSS was under 10 there would be no question about him needing an adult to be there for breakfast and set him off to go to school. But he's not - he's 11. So whilst it might be desirable for a DP to be there, it's not a necessity as long as an adult is in the house for an emergency and it's not every morning- it's 2-3 in 14.

DS started getting the bus home age 10 as he didn't want to go to after school care and was generally alone for about 2 hours 2-3 afternoons a week. Was that neglect? Should I have changed my hours or given up my job ?

DH has no cause to complain about 3 mornings a fortnight if he has no problem with DSS getting up alone on very other day. Is he this controlling about everything?