To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

I can't fathom why your DH doesn't have a problem when you're on an early shift and out of the house before anyone else is up, only when you've been on a late?
It's not about the DSS getting up on his own. It's about you sleeping in a bit later.
Can't DSS pop his head round the door to say bye?
He probably doesn't want you fussing around him anyway!

Another disingenuous post. First of all, a man wouldn't post in here asking if he should be getting up with an 11 year old while his wife took the preschooler to nursery. The woman would also be getting the 11 year old up and sorted before she went wouldn't she? The DH could do this but alas, he's already struggling with one child so how can he be expected to get the older one up too?
I will repeat, every time a woman posts on here asking if her partner, who works shifts, should be mucking in, she is told by the majority of posters that shift work is hard and she should go easy on him. Every. Single. Time.
If I finish at 10pm, get home at 10.30, eat, shower, decompress for abit (I need to do this because some days, my job is mentally and physically draining), my OH sorts the kids out the next morning. Because he is a capable parent. Heck he does.it if I just cant be arsed getting out of bed! Because my work schedule is more complicated than his and its a nice thing for him to do. The OP is in bed, he should be sorting the kids out with no complaints because in an equal, fair relationship, that's what parents do. Yes, I am aware that most relationships are vastly unequal when it comes to the house and childcare. As things stand, he gets 2 lie ins a week, OP gets none.

I would (and have). Seems a bit mean not to, if the roles were reversed I'd feel a bit sad my husband didn't see my daughter off to school.

Quoting this for the hard of reading. Not that the hand maidens will read it. Jesus wept.

I would get him up every weekend at 7am as DD & DSS want to see him. Keep going until he respects letting you sleep on on your 3 days per fortnight and tell him he needs to sacrifice a weekend sleep in EOW so you each get the same OR he gives up EOW for you to get 2 each then.

I think you need to do him a spreadsheet with facts on and how you are still doing more than him with nights and mornings and why the F does he think you shouldn't get the sleep you need.

I would say ok absolutely! I’m only human, so I’ll take the weekend lie ins and you get up with dd, and I’ll wake up to say bye to ds, since you don’t want to wake him at 7.

thats his choice, take it or leave it. What he can NOT do is decide my sleep doesn’t matter but his still does, and it doesn’t matter enough for him to wake his son and say bye but it does matter enough for you to get up. Dear hypocrisy get thee the fuck out.

It isn't that the child can't get himself up and off to school. He clearly can when he has too as both adults in the home have left for work. The question is when there is an adult home, should the adult get up with the kids.

I know 7 year olds that can get themselves up and off to school on their own - it doesn't mean it is a great thing - it is a necessity. However if there is an adult home, then I would expect the adult to get up with the kids.

I do get that many on here are fine with sleeping while their kids get themsleves, up and ready adn out the door to school. Is there any age you think an adult should get up - or right from school age, would you sleep while they get themselves up and fed and out the door? There are many kids that do that, I just peronsally don't think it should happen unless it is a necessity.

And no parent should wake a child up 60-90 minutes early and deprive them of that sleep to get them all ready for school when there is another adult at home. It makes no sense to reduce a child's sleep so they can be all ready by 7:30 and then sit for 60-75 minutes by themselves or however long until they leave for school. I would judge any parent doing that. And if a poster said they did that because daddy didn't get home until 1030 and has only been asleep for 8 hours so child need to get up with me at 6:30 to get ready and then just sit alone in the house for an hour so we don't bother daddy and he can sleep in another couple hours....no one would support that.

Op is not alone - as I said, there are lots of kids whose parents for whatever reasons leave them to their own devices in the morning while they sleep. They can get themselves dressed and get some food and leave for school on their own right from 6 but should they if there is an adult at home?

What time does ss leave. If it's around 8 I'd probably get up and say goodbye. I'd tell my dh to pack it in waking me tho and I'd want 50/50 split on layins

I love that OP is meant to survive on adequate sleep only , but expecting an 11 year old to get up at 7am - when most school children get up at that time anyway- is deemed cruel and unusual punishment.

How dare you need to sleep OP, don't you know your special stepmom vagina means you don't need it !

She gets home at 1030-1100 and then has to leave for work again at 1030 the next morning. Most parents don’t get nine or ten hours of sleep multiple times a week
if she got up with him at 8:00 that is 8 hours of sleep, not a survival amount of sleep at all.

@mrsm43s

OP finishes work at 10pm at night, then chooses to stay up. She leaves dealing with her DD in the morning to her DH on every single day except those where she has the full day off. He's doing far more than his fair share of the mornings. He does then when she's on earlies - she should be doing them when she's on lates. And the weekend lie ins should be shared equally - one each.

This is pathetic. The DH currently does the morning routine with HIS DD 3 mornings out of 7 while OP dies the other 4. In what universe does this mean the poor man-baby "doing more than his fair share of the mornings"?!!! And to make things even more ridiculous, you propose that this onerous duty should be cut back to 3 days out of 14, or if we very charitably count in your proposed weekend changes 5 out of 14? You're being completely ridiculous, and sexist to boot.

Not to mention OP doesn't "choose to stay up." She's made it clear she doesn't get home until 11, and then needs a little time to wind down, presumably with a cup of chamomile. Ever tried going straight to bed after just finishing a highly focused, demanding activity? An hour max to unwind beats three hours spent tossing and turning.

OP said she has to eat and wind down when she gets home, so likely isn't getting to bed until nearer 1am - or perhaps you think she shouldn't eat either.

Getting up at 7 after a full nights sleep should be no issue for the DSS.

This thread really shows that when it comes to equality women are other womens worst enemy.

She doesn't go to bed at 10.30/11 though. She has dinner, showers and winds down.

When I work late I can't go to bed straightaway, I need to decompress from work by watching some TV or reading.

OP doesn't exist to be a robot and set an alarm to see of an 11yo, especially when the 11yo can be woken up by his dad.

don't be silly, it's not a punishment, it's just unnecessary. My kids don't wake up at 7m, because... they don't have to? So why should they. What parents wake their children earlier than they HAVE TO?

I love that OP is meant to survive on adequate sleep only Welcome to the real world of parenthood when you have a job😂

it's more about the (lack of) equality between your own children and your step children.

It's sad.

Can you imagine the thread written differently?

8am. Hush, be quiet, don't wake up your dad! He came up at 10:30 last night, he needs his sleep 😂

Absolutely!

I’m honestly gob smacked at some of these replies.

I’m reassured thought that 70% of the poll responses are YANBU which means sensible people with their heads screwed on make up the majority of MN 😂(at least on this thread anyway).

I'm on the fence. My remaining school age child is 14 and no matter how tired I am, I try to see him for atleast the last ten minutes on days I'm exhausted. I just remember how horrible it was for me to always be alone before school.
... I don't have a stepchild but to use my niece/nephew as a reference, I don't think I'd feel the same pull to do it for them. Which is horrible but equally, we all have our boundaries and priorities. The main annoying thing is your DH coming to wake you up to remind you to see your SS. That's abit overboard to be woke up before he even wants you to be woke up.
Ss perhaps could come see you before he leaves, for a quick cuddle and a 'have a good day'.

No, it’s about the hypocrisy of a dad and what he expects of himself re his own child vS what he expects of his partner re his child who is not her child.

@LadyDane i apologise I got the times all wrong at the start .
Shift work is hard esp in
your environment but as stated I’ve been the child (I’d get up for him)
As for the rest of the dynamics both parents should parent all kids in the household

you should take a lay in one day at the weekend.
onky you and your husband know how fair the jobs at home are split .
I don’t think this has to do with your question as such.
Id say how does the child feel, he may tell you ok to seem grown up or he may be ok.
yes other option get the child up at 7am sounds like maybe that’s the answer .

but who's in the middle of it? The child.

Adults can find something else to argue about, there's no need to put the child in the middle is it?

You don't punish your own child even when you believe that his father is in the wrong do you? You deal with your husband on the side, but you make sure it doesn't impact the kid.

Just be nice.