AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Auntie and her horrible enabling daughter are vile. They should be sympathetic, and auntie should be apologetic. They both sound completely toxic and I'd tell them to do one.

Tl;dr: You don't have to take this kind of shit off anyone

Agree with this:

MargotBamborough · Today 19:13

How about simply:

"Not as uncomfortable as I felt being interrogated about my fertility in front of the entire extended family in a public place, Sharon."

and leave it at that.

You did nothing wrong . Your aunt was nosy and pushy and asked personal questions. You have put a firm end to this.
Your cousin is a dick. Her mum was in the wrong.

Dear cousin , I’m sorry that your mum felt awkward. I did too. Perhaps she will reflect that it is not kind to demand answers to a personal question. The answers may be personal too but she left me little choice.

I’m sure she did not mean any offense and I am happy to forgive and move on.

Much love, OP

I don't let things go like that any more. I always push back, otherwise people think they can trample on your boundaries without consequence. I've learned that the hard way.

Your aunt is an idiot. We could give her the benefit of the doubt and say she felt bad but, instead of apologising, covered her guilt by blaming you for making things uncomfortable. Which still doesn’t make her a very good person.

Your cousin isn’t much better, they should have told her not to press people on personal matters and apologised to you on aunt’s behalf.

That is just beautiful.

I would ask your cousin what she thinks you should have done.

Nosy aunt totally in the wrong.

There are only two answers to the question - personal choice to limit your family or infertility. Neither of these are any of her business, and to keep labouring the point when you refused to answer was quite wrong of her.

She behaved badly, she got shown up in front of everyone now she wants to blame you because she's made herself look stupid and insensitive.

I think your message is very good, it keeps you firmly on the moral high ground.

I think your message is not enough!! I mean in terms of conveying your upset. I would lay it on incredibly thickly!

”I am pretty astonished that aunty is upset. We have been utterly devastated by the situation but to be repeatedly badgered about it - in front of everyone - and aunty refusing to take the hint to leave the subject alone was incredibly hurtful. She has devastated me all over again just when I was beginning to feel slightly more at peace. I cannot begin to describe how much she has hurt me with her insensitivity “

Aunty is an insensitive bitch btw. She owes you a massive apology. The cheek of her!! To feel upset!!

Definitely send the message! Your auntie is so rude.

I would definitely reply.
id say something like “lovely to see you today. I’m glad you messaged, because I was considering saying something. Infertility has been heartbreaking for me, and I try not to dwell on it, but being interrogated and accused of selfishness for only having one child was too much to bear. I’m sorry of if it made aunt feel uncomfortable, but she seemed insistent on an answer so I felt obliged to give one “

You did nothing wrong. Your aunt should be apologising profusely to you. And she should learn when to shut up.

Turns out my Mam has messages Auntie.
I've been on the phone to her and mentioned the incident and the text from cousin and asked her advice. Mam said that she wished she had known cousin had text because mam had text Auntie.

She basically told her that she (my mam) has been with me through the years of trying and has witnessed my heartache. She is stunned that auntie didn't read the room and see how uncomfortable I was with her questions. She told her she owes me an apology and hopefully sees that.

Auntie never texts anyone, she's an email type of person so will wait and see if I get one from her.

I really think you should reply, but do not apologise, your aunt’s behaviour was incredibly hurtful and so insensitive and your cousin is little better.

I would definitely not be apologising in any form OP. If you reply at all I would make it much more clear cut.

Yay for supportive mothers, I’m glad she had your back.

That’s lovely that your mum has stuck up for you OP. In that case I wouldn’t respond at all to your cousin and hope that Aunty (and hopefully cousin as well) apologises.

God, that text from your cousin would make me want to double down and REALLY make them uncomfortable. Interfering, nosey old bag! And her daughter has clearly inherited her lack of empathy.

Bloody hell! I'm lost for words.

I would still message something back to your cousin as if she had any emotional intelligence she would have shut her mother down and she would definitely not have text you. So she is partly to blame in all this too

Well done to your mum! Hope auntie passes it on to your cousin too!

Honestly I would be quite blunt with your cousin (you may not to be up to it).

I think I would reply to something like Hi x, it was lovely to catch up with you. Sadly though your Mother spoilt it for us by asking personal and quite offensive questions that forced me to share information that I would much rather not share at such an occasion. I am very distressed by this. Hopefully Aunty X now understands that her questioning was inappropriate and in future will be more considerate. Do not worry I do not hold a grudge and look forward to seeing you all soon. Love x

This would be the gist of what I would send.

You just showed her up for what she was, which is a nosy Cunt who needs to mind her own biz. You’ve made a stand by speaking out so not contact her otherwise you will have to tolerate her & her unreasonable behavior for ever.

Well done to your mum.

You did nothing wrong. Hopefully being made to feel uncomfortable will force your Aunt to understand why her questioning and pushing was inappropriate and she will be more sensitive in future.

Rebutting your cousin's email firmly and being clear that your aunt was wrong but you're willing to put it behind you would be a good move.

Your mum is a star.