AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Your message is far nicer than what I would want to say which is, ‘Tough fucking shit! If she doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable she shouldn’t be such a nosy bitch and stick her nose in where it is neither wanted or needed. And you dear cousin are just as bad’

If it’s your choice to have one child it’s none of their business either. Just because they’re family doesn’t give them the right to behave this way.

I think your message is perfect op!

(Ignore your dh - men always opt for saying nothing and that causes as many issues as it solves)

I’m very sorry your aunt upset you. Hopefully she will learn from this and stop being so insensitive. It is very rude to push people about fertility.

‘Aunty should have taken the fucking hint’
would have been my reply.

Great reply.

We were married for 15 years before we had any children. After about 5 years, when people asked (again) when we were having children, dh took to saying. 'We can't have children, I'm sterile'.

I think you were less blunt than that.

You haven’t done anything wrong, your aunt was in the wrong. No social graces.

Send the message to your cousin. I think you’ll regret not doing so in the future if you don’t.

What was the saying at school? Don’t dish it out of you can’t take it. Applies here.

I was rude once to a Scandinavian couple at a wedding who went on and on about a personal parenting decision we had made. I was on my own and there were two of them which made it worse. They wouldn’t let it go. I kept trying to deflect and politely change the subject to more neutral topics but no back they went to that. So I bit back and set out the opposing view. They looked like they were going to cry and went very quiet. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

I couldn’t agree more. And if I was OP I’d be texting Aunt/other family members to say exactly this.

I think your message is too nice and too long.

Auntie went on and on, she didn’t take the hint and shut up. Don’t apologise for someone else’s bad manners. Where is auntie’s apology to you? She massively overstepped the mark.

Now your news is known within the family it shouldn’t be an issue again, I hope.

That's awful of your aunt and cousin tbh. They sound really insensitive. I'm sorry you've having to go through that. I think your message sounds great.

Dear god why would she quiz you like that? And she's upset!

There's always this assumption that one child isn't enough. Like you, had things been different I would have loved another DC. But it didn't happen and instead I concentrated my energy on the DC I had.

And your DS is great and he will continue to be great! My DS loves being an only child.

Love this!

Send the message Op - it's polite and makes the point perfectly!

Dear god why would she quiz you like that? And she's upset!

Because she gets away with it, people don't hold her to account. So this time she got made to look a total fool in front of all her family and she can't accept that she was in the wrong

Send this but don’t you dare apologise!!! Instead of sorry, say something like “I can fully understand my news was hard to hear- it’s been hard to experience.”

Your auntie should learn an important lesson from this - don't make assumptions about other people's fertility, you never know what difficulties and sadness they might have in the background.

its been hard to experience is very good

along with at the end

CorneyFlower suggestion of

auntie should learn an important lesson from this

Ooh. Nice post and good suggestion.

You need to reply or the whole thing is left hanging and will come up again.

A simple:

"The last thing I wanted to do was have to share our situation so publicly. But your mum kept on and on asking these personal questions, ignoring my answers and oblivious to the sensitivity of the subject. When she called me selfish for only having one child, I flipped. As I'm sure would you if you desperately wanted one were going through the distress of infertility"

...should do it.

"...wanted one AND were going through the distress..."

Your aunt was incredibly rude to both your brother and to you. None of this is her damn business and she deserved to be slapped down very brusquely.

I thought you were going to tell us that you were inventing the 'trying for a baby' line to put her in her place - you'd have been quite justified IMHO if you had been doing that.

Please do not apologise to your aunt or anyone. It's your aunt who needs to learn some manners, not you.

How about simply:

"Not as uncomfortable as I felt being interrogated about my fertility in front of the entire extended family in a public place, Sharon."

and leave it at that.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea she was trying to be offended about something

she tried to be offended by SIL who deflected it. So she tried with you.

hold firm and be absolutely clear that people who stick their noses in to business that isn’t theirs have no right to be offended by being told to fuck off.

good for you shutting her down. Make sure to be clear that you won’t hold back if there’s a next time either

She was rude and you absolutely had the right to respond to close her down.

However, I recommend you sleep on it before you reply - I know I always wish I take my own advise and sleep on it before sending replies as sometimes would chose not to send them the following day.

If my cousin messaged me that I would reply "your mum is rude and tactless and you're a dick" and would leave it at that. Definitely send your polite but to the point message, don't be bullied.

Definitely send. Your aunt pressed and pressed you til you were forced to answer her question...then got funny with you for answering her question. Then sent her flying monkey to tell you that her feelings are hurt by you doing what she asked you to do. Can you see how batshit that sounds? What's does your cousin actually think you should have done - lied?! 'Admitted' what a terrible parent you were? Taken your aunt to one side and told her, like fertility is some kind of shameful secret? You're being way too forgiving of absolutely shit behaviour because 'family'. They are upset because they looked like twats infront of everyone and are trying to deflect their shitty intrusive rude questioning onto others - don't let them