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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

371 replies

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 15:52

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 29/06/2023 18:05

You're aunt was incredibly rude. You were no where near rude. It's good she's miffed maybe she'll learn to shut her mouth now

Rainraingoaway21 · 29/06/2023 18:06

Everyone knows this is a question you DO NOT ask anyone!!

Please do not apologise.

Original poster
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 18:07

Haven't sent the message. Still can't decide if it's better to just ignore the whole thing.

OP posts:
LoobyDop · 29/06/2023 18:08

Lovingitallnow · 29/06/2023 16:00

Tell her cousin auntie probably shouldn't discuss peoples fertility if she's likely to be uncomfortable- lesson learned for next time.

This

ComeAlongNow23 · 29/06/2023 18:08

Send a message, but don't apologise. Don't be a doormat.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 18:09

Your update with the message is perfect.

Rainraingoaway21 · 29/06/2023 18:10

I think you should respond, especially if you don't want things to be awkward next time you see them.

I would send your original message but minus the apology sentence. It is still polite enough but getting your perspective across. Goodness knows what they will be saying to other people about you otherwise. Set them straight now while you've got the chance.

How dare they think you've done wrong and upset the auntie! She should absolutely be the one apologising to you. Im angry on your behalf!

steff13 · 29/06/2023 18:13

If your aunt doesn't want to be uncomfortable, maybe she needs to mind her business.

DarkDarkNight · 29/06/2023 18:14

So your Auntie should have been feeling uncomfortable. She sounds nosy and old-fashioned. It’s nothing to do with her if people want to get married or not. People need to learn not to be so nosy about whether people are having children/planning more children. I can understand a polite question but digging and digging and questioning why people don’t have children or have just stopped at one is stupid and insensitive. It doesn’t take a genius to work out there may be reasons for this.

Good for you for telling her the truth, she is put out because you have made her look like a nosy old bat in front of everyone. Maybe this will teach her not to pry.

skyeisthelimit · 29/06/2023 18:14

Don't apologise for making them feel awkward.

They should be apologising to you for being so rude as to go on about it at a family do which was embarrassing and awkward for you.

They created the situation and have turned themselves into the victim

Merryhobnobs · 29/06/2023 18:15

She was uncomfortable because she was the one in the wrong. Rude, judgemental, nosy and tactless.

I have lost a baby. When people used to ask me when I was going to have another because my daughter 'needed' a sibling. It hurt and infuriated me. Hurt because it reminded me of a horrible, traumatic loss and infuriated because it is so judgemental.

Your aunt deserved to be made to feel uncomfortable. She prodded and poked.

uglybettty · 29/06/2023 18:16

I'd tell your Aunty and cousin to piss off tbh. And tell them how uncomfortable her behaviour made everyone feel. Ignorant women.

Ellie1015 · 29/06/2023 18:18

Your message is perfect. Only thing to decide is will it help them understand if so it is useful so you can all move past it. If they will never see your side and will it cause drama you can't be bothered with then don't reply and keep a civil distance.

Personally I would send it not caring if it escalates things because Aunt and Cousin are completely wrong, if I were your cousin i would be texting to ask if you were ok and apologise on behalf of mother as so embarrassed. I can't believe she took her mothers side.

uglybettty · 29/06/2023 18:18

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 18:07

Haven't sent the message. Still can't decide if it's better to just ignore the whole thing.

I'd send the message personally. It's a well thought out message and should make them think about their own actions in the future. You shouldn't be silenced because it's an uncomfortable topic for someone who was wrong.

Topseyt123 · 29/06/2023 18:19

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 18:07

Haven't sent the message. Still can't decide if it's better to just ignore the whole thing.

Send the message. It's good. How else is know-it-all busybody aunt ever going to learn to mind her own bloody business and keep her enormous beak out of the subject of other people's fertility? Cousin too, for that matter.

Do not apologise. They are rude arseholes and deserve everything they get. Don't let them think that this behaviour towards you is OK. It isn't.

Allthelightwecannotsee76 · 29/06/2023 18:20

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 18:07

Haven't sent the message. Still can't decide if it's better to just ignore the whole thing.

If you're not sure, just sleep on it for a few days.

Sorry your aunt was so thoughtless and sorry your cousin is so interfering x

charabang · 29/06/2023 18:21

Well I'm quite petty so I probably just wouldn't speak to aunt again until I got a heartfelt apology. It's unforgivable to back someone into a corner to the point where they feel they need to reveal personal information to get them to back off. Uncomfortable my arse!

LT1982 · 29/06/2023 18:23

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 15:52

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

You didnt announce anything! The insensitive nosey parker aunt created the situation and therefore it's HER fault everyone was uncomfortable

KTheGrey · 29/06/2023 18:23

I think any response that isn't "aah, diddums" is more polite and dignified than necessary. Aunt is mortified that she was shown for the insensitive interfering badgering person she is. A spot of mortification for someone talking out of line about other people's choices is no bad thing.

billy1966 · 29/06/2023 18:23

@WitcheryDivine message is excellent.

Do not apologise OP.

Her daughter is no better.

I would be really mortified if my mother behaved so rudely.

Her behaviour was really appalling.

Completely unacceptable.

Good enough for her if she was upset.

Avoid her going forward.

theemmadilemma · 29/06/2023 18:25

Serves her right for being a pushy bitch.

GameOverBoys · 29/06/2023 18:25

You have made her feel bad because you exposed her insensitivity and rudeness and she angry at you for that. There is nothing you can say that will make her realise that she is the problem. Your cousin is a dick too. Your reply seemed fine but personally I wouldn’t bother, it might cause more issues. Unless you just apologise it won’t be dropped. If you point out her badgering you there will be further stupid comments ‘well if you and just told everyone the truth’ ‘she was just making small talk’ ‘can your aunty not offer you advice now’ ‘she’s not psychic’ etc etc honestly you can not win with a person who is this self-centred.
Sorry that your going through all this, family’s suck sometimes.

Womencanlift · 29/06/2023 18:26

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 18:07

Haven't sent the message. Still can't decide if it's better to just ignore the whole thing.

Send it. As someone who has had to give an answer like you did many a time, but with the added pain of not been able to have any children, it gets me when people, especially females, don’t pick up cues that it is extremely rude to keep badgering anyone about fertility

CatNoBag · 29/06/2023 18:26

You weren’t being unreasonable at all. There are lots of children in my family, and I’d sometimes get questioned about when I was going to have children. People would assume because of mine and DH’s lifestyle (lots of travel etc) that we were deliberately child free, rather than me not being able to conceive. I’d generally try to shit it down as quickly as possible. I remember once telling a (close) friend quite bluntly who kept going on about how good we’d be as parents that I didn’t discuss things like that. I’m generally a people pleaser, but I was about 30 seconds from bursting into tears in the middle of a busy restaurant, which would have been horrific (especially for your young children I expect!). Not sure if it’s due to my age or people generally know better, but it comes up less often these days. Still would rather not have to discuss my inner workings with all and sundry…

And you absolutely should not feel your fertility issues are in any way a failure on your part. Sometimes it just isn’t possible, as painful as that is, but not a failure at all.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 29/06/2023 18:27

Your auntie is rude trout who probably gives your cousin a difficult time. When people make rude and intrusive comments, without considering the answer, they run the risk of hearing uncomfortable truths. Most adults know this.

Please do not apologise to the rude bitch. You have nothing to say sorry for . Auntie and cousin, et al however...