To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

@Lndnmummy that's awful. I'm so sorry. When my mum was pregnant with me (many many years ago) a family member said she really hoped I'd be "light skinned" my parents obviously were horrified and challenged her on it but she explained it was because she thought my life would be easier if I was lighter skinned. I can sort of understand what she meant and while it is a racist view I think it was more that she was worried about how other people's racism could be a problem for me in the future. Maybe your grandad was thinking similar? I mean it doesn't excuse it obviously, but is definitely less awful than any other reason for this type of comment.

That's disgusting I'm so sorry. Unsurprising that you were horrified and took your baby away. I would have done the same.

Given the level of sexual abuse of women in nursing homes, no men should be involved in their personal care, let alone men they can't even understand and who pretty obviously don't give a shit about their welfare. I hope the nursing home your mother's in now is much better.

White people DO have to deal with racism.

I went to work in a school in Asia. I was the only white teacher in the school. My Asian colleagues all refused to speak to me. They did not like white people as they saw white people as having much easier lives than them.

Even though I grew up in pretty awful circumstances. I had no dad and grew up in poverty.

These Asian teachers didn't like white people because they thought we all lived in luxury and we all thought that we were amazing.

They bullied me and wouldn't speak to me for a long time. One of them told me that she hated all white people. It was awful. One more white teacher started after I did and they did the same to her. They bullied her, were cruel to her and they told her they hated white people. I had to leave that job.

If you think white people don't experience racism, youve obviously never lived anywhere where you are in a white minority. All races turn on each other.

@Mooshamoo In the Uk White people don't have to deal with racism 👍

@Daisydumplings88 there's a difference between rebelling with my parents about staying out past my curfew and judging people based on their religion and skin colour.

Racism was and never has been acceptable. Only to the racists, racist sympathisers and bigots maybe, not to those on the receiving end. So his age doesn't really excuse it.

They'll be along in the minute to call you racist for assuming they're in the UK...

How am I nasty and how have my dealings been unacceptable? I didn't trip him over or let his tyres down on his mobility scooter. I simply asked if I was BU to ignore him. You've given your opinion which I respect but do not agree with.

He sounds like he’s just ‘of a certain generation’ rather than actually being a dick. He did say ‘not that I hold that against him’ as though others of his generation would have but he doesn’t. I think you’d be really cruel to cut out a lonely elderly man based on his not using the correct language but perhaps you are looking for an excuse to not help him anymore? As that’s what it sort of comes across as.

Ugh imagine ignoring an elderly lonely man with no family at all because of a comment he made but didn’t mean any offence by. You’re twisting his meaning to make it racist to get some drama and/or come across as morally superior. The poor old man.

He has made multiple comments.

OP doesn’t have to tolerate racism.

You've never been the victim of racism, have you?

It’s always interesting when people preaching tolerance are the most intolerant of all. Honestly this man isn’t your doctor or your MP. He has no power and no capacity to actually cause any harm with his mildly questionable opinions. The most humane thing we can do is show kindness to people we disagree with.

He has no power and no capacity to actually cause any harm with his mildly questionable opinions.

Did you consider the feelings of any of the nurses, doctors or carers of colour who cross the path of this man when making that statement? The people who have to put up with members of the public expressing “questionable opinions” about their appearance, accent, right to live and work here far more than they ever should?

It is no excuse for racism and people have a lot to learn.

Some things shouldn't be tolerated and racism is one of those things.

Racists don't deserve my kindness.

It is a difficult one.

I agree that racism should be given zero tolerance.

I dont think it is ageist to suggest that it is harder for people to change their views as they get older.

Daisydumplings88 It is no excuse for racism and people have a lot to learn.

I agree, but as people age it is harder to learn.
Even without dementia many elderly people do experience cognitive decline- and that includes learning, the ability to understand concepts, make connections, internal questioning.
Growing up in a time where racism was not recognised as a serious concern these view get set, ingrained and are very hard to shift.

I don’t think hurting someone’s feelings really counts as harm, no. Intimidating them, harassing them, violence, denying them employment - all these are harmful to a person. But he has no power to do any of those things. I just don’t understand cutting people off as if you are completely pure and they are dirty. We all have good and bad in us.

OP. You call this man “very elderly”. He was born in 1952. So he is 71.

I was born in 1942 so I don’t know what you would call me but I can assure you that I and my family and my friends are not racist. I would not be friends with any racist. We were not brought up to be racist.

I find it offensive when people over 60 or 70 and upwards are assumed to be feeble drooling racist idiots. You only have to look on social media to see that there are racists among all generations.

FYI Re us oldies and use of technology - Computers have been around in business since the early sixties and a lot of my generation have been involved with them since then. I have been using email since the early 1980’s (admittedly a very primitive version), got my first mobile phone in 1991 (phone calls only) and first home computer with internet round about the same time. And there were many of us.

Eh? You're literally arguing the same point! Curmudgeonly is what they become - for all the reasons you stated.
I am saying the same as you- that the OP needs to cut him some slack and not judge him by current standards

I've been picturing a frail 90-something from OP's initial description and now I see he's younger and a hell of a lot less racist than my unlovely BIL! The mind boggles.