To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

I note that this deeply racist post is still standing, so frankly, bugger any ageism here. Would it be ok if I said I didn't want a white man treating me, because I am scared of their reputation for treating POC badly?

@BansheeofInisherin Really is disgusting that people think they can talk like this. When I pointed out how racist this was I had comment after comment telling me I was wrong, nice to see racism is still going strong in 2023!

I'm still here. I've typed out lots of responses and then deleted them and then my real life takes over. I then come back to read and respond but tbh this thread has got depressing.
I've been called sanctimonious, thinking I'm 'holier than thou', ageist, ableist, mean and other names because I asked if I was BU to ignore a man who drops racist comments into casual conversation with me.

I never once asked if racism is still alive and kicking, I know it is and this thread confirms that for me but it's gone down that route and I cba because it frustrates me and puts me in a dark place. I was simply asking if I was BU, expecting people to disagree on the fact that he's old and vulnerable but not because what he said 'isn't that bad' or 'it's only mild racism'.

My neighbour does not have dementia and he was born in 1952.

My mother had a European doctor and bad hearing. It was a long time before I learned she had been pretending to understand her - out of embarrassment, I think - and without realising it was actually in very bad health indeed. It matters a lot.

My neighbour does not have dementia and he was born in 1952.

If your neighbour was born in 1952 how come you said he was telling you about the war?

His dad and uncle fought in the war. He'd tell me stories that his dad told him. Has the diaries of his uncle from his time fighting in the war.

You said he's 'really elderly' and 'a really lovely little old man'. At 70? Either you're incredibly patronising or this thread is made up.

But it isn't patronising to assume that every old man has dementia and just can't help his racism?

Quite. It is.

🙄 he is very old in my mind, maybe not by birth date and what people may seem as 'old' in terms of age but if you saw him you and spent time with him you would think he was in his 90s. Just because his birth date makes him 70 doesn't mean I should treat him as such.

He is frail, uses a walking stick (now mobility scooter) his body language and mannerisms resemble what would be standard for a very old man.

I felt that the loss of his wife impacted him significantly which is why I felt deeply sorry for him.

As if I'd make all this up. I'm not a weirdo.

Hmmm, I think it's interesting that this thread is about someone who is 'just racist enough' to be both condemned and defended. And is described as very elderly, a lovely widower who talks about the war but suddenly only the same age as people who took part in Rock Against Racism. I won't be engaging any further.

OP - are you looking for an excuse to back away from your neighbour without looking like the "bad guy"?

He's in no way really elderly though. That will impact people's opinion. People of that ge have no excuse for coming out with that sh*t. Someone much older is a bit different (although still unacceptable)

He's 70? No excuse then.

It might have changed, but when I was in secondary school (granted 30 years ago) in science we learned the stages of life, and 40-60 was middle age, 60+ elderly. Something I actually remember from cramming for an exam.

Sadly it’s his generation! My nan and her brother were the same. They don’t see what they’re saying is wrong. I’d not ignore him but maybe back off a little. Be polite and don’t engage too much.

I couldn’t really care less if this thread is made up or not as I think many of us encounter neighbours, relatives and colleagues who fall into exactly the description of this neighbour. Not bile-spewing bigots, but coming out with negative ignorant views. So it’s a useful thread.

I have just such a neighbour myself. I can’t remember anything racist, but he’s certainly said sexist things to me.

For me, it comes down to whether this is harming me personally as the person engaging. If my neighbour appeared to dislike women I’d be uncomfortable and disengage. In fact, I find him kind and pleasant to talk to, just with some narrow-minded outdated views that I find silly more than offensive.

And, yes, I excuse older people more readily as I think the extent to which people can change and adapt differs massively between individuals. My grandmother said things twenty years before she died that I can’t imagine her thinking at the end of her life. Whereas my parents seem to become more entrenched in their views as they get older. Ageing is not the same experience for everyone.

My neighbour was exactly the same lovely poor ill man he was until he got better. He would say I would never have moved here if I knew you lived next door and I am glad you don't play that music. He even had the neighbour come to our garden to target out daughters and I swear to god my partner would have lifted her and thrown her back in her own garden but she got cussed instead. She hasn't looked at him since. Next door neighbour targeted my partner and my partner called him a fucking rat. He sent that part of the recording to the police and my partner asked her to get the rest of the video of him harassing him. Nothing come of the report obviously. Next door neighbour has always had cameras around his home mainly because of us and he wants to listen to what we say about him especially when we are in our garden.

I hope the above makes sense any questions please ask.

@ScribblingPixie I am a white woman with a black man and we have 4 beautiful children. We have done nothing to our neighbours we are just living.

I do too. But at the very least they do not suffer structural and systemic racism. I think people are confused about what white privilege means. It does not mean white people are leading a privileged life.
It means that due to being white, we are not faced with the challenges that come with not being white.

I am so sorry. I believe you. (Also white with black children and racist neighbours).

For many there is lots of grey areas. 'He is lovely but old and said some not so PC things' or 'He was horrid but is ever so frail'.

I don't live in grey areas. A racist is a racist if he is 17 or 92. If he is on his 4th wife or a grieving widow. If he fought in a war or not. He is still racist.

Enough of this whataboutery!

1952! That makes him middle aged in my eyes, not elderly. I wouldnt think of anyone as elderly until they were at least late 80s.

My granddad who is bow 92 had never uttered a racist word until I showed him my newborn black baby. He was horrified. I took my baby and left. Not seen him since. Some family members tried this whataboutery bs. I am not doing that. If you hold those views then you are out. We can not be family. I can not trust you around me and mine.