To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

I worked out earlier that it’s probably about another nine years. Best get cramming!

@HarpyValley It's good to know I can save on petrol this weekend when I take all the kids to the beach. No need for 2 cars I'll just cram 12 of them on backseat with a jam sandwich and no seatbelt because that's what we did in the 80s innit! 😂

I agree that elderly people might not use the correct words, accidentally. My elderly (white) Nan used to ask black nurses in hospital where their families came from. She was absolutely not meaning to come across as racist, she just lived in 3 African countries when she was younger and was always hoping she could discuss Nairobi life with someone - none of us have ever been. I can imagine some people might have thought she was doing the "but where are you really from" shite though. She definitely wasnt. Her daughter in law (my mum) was black and she loved her like a daughter.
But my granny in law (is that a term?) Used to say she didn't want to be looked after by the black nurses in hospital because they were scary and my racist enabling in-laws used to downplay this to me. I'm clearly bi-racial and "Granny" knew this. There is a difference between giving old people a free pass to be racist and accepting sometimes they might use clumsy words, absolutely not meaning to upset anyone when they are not racist at all.

This.

@Sallywallywoowoo Ops neighbour doesn't sound like he's just using unacceptable language that he doesn't realise he shouldn't. (Even then what is so wrong with pointing out that it's offensive and won't be tolerated.) He sounds racist. All that crap about English people not being allowed into nursing! He sounds like my mil who although it's been explained to her continuously also likes to spout nonsense any chance she gets.. normally along the lines of "The refugees are taking all the houses/jobs/her pension. It's why she not allowed to babysit my kids. It's also why she doesn't get invited at Christmas. Age is no excuse, some people don't want to be taught different, they are more comfortable in racist land. Fine, but don't moan when your intolerance is then turned on you and you end up with no one.

@stephaniezanoni agreed. I wasn't actually defending the man in the OP. Just pointing out that sometimes elderly people can get stuff wrong and they don't always mean to come across sounding offensive. Like my old Nan, bless her. We did try and explain how it could sound, but she genuinely just wanted to talk to someone about the old days since my Grandad had died years before. Some of the best days of her life were living in Ghana and she was always hopeful someone would be able to reminisce with her

On a previous thread, I said I didn't usually mind being asked where I was from- as I don't have a British accent- and certainly not in this context.

However, in this case, the neighbour seems to have gone beyond an innocent comment. Hard to say but I don't think OP would be unreasonable in keeping contact to the minimum.

Some time ago, someone posted about finding out that their neighbour was a member of the KKK, and several posters said it was fine, because times have changed!

"Some time ago, someone posted about finding out that their neighbour was a member of the KKK, and several posters said it was fine, because times have changed!"
OMG

I think you are being mean

You don't really know his background and what experiences he may have had with people which may have clouded his judgement and why should elderly have to put up with not being able to understand their carers? It's human nature for people to want people around them who understand their own cultural nuances. This is why most minorities tend to live in areas with people who are from the same background which is understandable. Especially if they are old, vulnerable and in poor physical health. Nobody likes strangers in their home at the best of times.

Would you have the same view if your neighbour was an elderly Muslim lady moaning about not wanting a non-Muslim, male carer?

The comment regarding foreign nurses is quite commonplace with elderly folk. Their hearing often isn’t what it used to be so it can be difficult for them to understand different accents esp if the English is broken. My dentist is African and I’ve overheard a few older patients complaining about it. I can understand him perfectly well but his English can be broken in parts and I can understand how that may be tough for someone with declining hearing.

But he didn't say "I can't understand these nurses' accents" or "I wish nurses with foreign accents would speak slower/more clearly" or "I can't understand half of what they're saying". He said "we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame."

How can anyone look at that and think it's not racist??

People say things I don’t agree with all the time. Do I self-righteously cut them off? No. I listen. Sometimes I disagree, sometimes I let it go. I can’t believe how little respect and compassion some people have for old people. And honestly I have been on the receiving end of casual racism and sexism, often from people I really like. I just don’t want to go through life feeling like a victim.

It's a tough one because he is old and vulnerable. In your position I'd probably say morning greetings and be polite, call out anything you perceive as racist and close down those type of conversations. As someone who is Muslim, had he said the comment about his carer infront of me I'd have shut the comment down. If he made other racist remarks I'd have very little to do with him going forward. For me racism is racism whatever your age and quite frankly I don't see why I should have to make allowances because of someone's age.

That's good to hear that in your childhood it was not normal. Obviously I can only say what my childhood was like and how the adults in it behaved/spoke.
I'm scottish and certaintly Scotland in the seventies and eighties had literally no non white people. Maybe the cities did but for the rest of Scotland it would have been literally 'shocking' to see a black or brown face outwith the local 'paki shop' (yes that's honestly what everyone called it).

If you are from a big city I can imagine it being more multi cultural and thus racism would have been stamped out quicker.
Nowadays of course Scotland has more multicultural feel but I have to say that in the suburbs away from the cities it is still 90% white. That's in suburbs not very far from Edinburgh.

I had a much loved golliwog as a child. It didn't mean anything beyond a toy I loved. My mum and dad cetaintly used to go to the black and white minstral show once a year with friends as I can remember it was a big night out. Only a few years ago my mum requested to watch one of her favourite movies from her childhood 'Song of the South' which of course I had terrible trouble finding for her but did manage to get it on dvd eventually. I even remember my mum singing 'zipiddity do dah' the song from it constantly in the seventies.

It all seems very shocking now but that is my experience from my childhood.
I find if I look at videos or pictures from the seventies it's like another world quite literally.

@Poochypaws So What!! Who gives a toss that is was acceptable in the 70s. (Pretty sure it wasn't but ok if you say so) It is not acceptable now! But no one's aloud to point out to a bigoted old man that things have changed and that unless he abides by those change's nobody is going to want to be in his company. We can't go around offending old people but they can say whatever they like because they refuse change. It's such utter bollox.99.9% of the time when you hear racist comments from people young or old it's because they are racist and nothing to do with them not realising. They've never been called out on it and now they are. GOOD!! Maybe it will do them good to sit back and really think before they speak.

My mum tries to work her tv with the phone. Thinks the sky engineer is coming everyday, can't work her tv. Can't remember anything. Is incontinent, deaf and going blind. She's housebound, falls regularly and cries because she is frightened. Old people who grew up in a different time aren't doing it to be racist. They just have it ingrained into them. I am guessing you are quite young. Wait till you get older and you will see how difficult things get. Coping with the very basics is difficult and change is almost impossible.

This old man (the neighbour) did not sound like an unpleasant person trying to be racist. He sounded like an old man who was nice to his carer but behind his back 'shocked' that he had been sent a muslim. If he was openly horrible to the man then yes of course that would be different. He wasn't though. He sounded like a decent person struggling to move with the times. He probably also thinks women shouldn't drive or work outside the home.

I just think their is a world of difference between a younger person deliberately being racist and an old man who secretly was shocked at change.

@Poochypaws Im not young and he sounds very unpleasant a racist to me.

He's old, vulnerable and as you said, a nice person. So what if some of his opinions are old fashioned. People might be saying the same of you some day. I hate all this political puritanism.

Everybody can ‘struggle’ with accents etc and in most situations any misunderstandings or misinterpretation is of little consequence - However in a medical situation etc clarity and understanding is vital - and failures will have serious repercussions 😐👍🏿☘️

The vibe I am getting here is that the OP is, without realising it, just as ageist and ableist as she thinks her older neighbour is racist. Ditto a few of the PPs.

I don't condone or excuse his remarks; but I do concur that him saying that he didn't hold the carer's faith against the carer was probably meant to be an anti-racist/anti-Islamphobic remark put in a less modern way; and with the comments about dementia. Even just mild cognitive impairment can lead to changes in someone's personality and use of language. MCI and dementia can make it harder to learn new ideas, harder to filter thoughts they've always had or are just having in the moment now, but also bring out again older ways of thinking and speaking from their childhood that they unlearned in their adult personal and professional lives. We can't really know which of these is at play with this man.

Professionals understand and can work with this issue and then have support structures to debrief, because it can be difficult. I do understand why OP might want to distance herself and that is her prerogative, she's not obliged to continue to support him or continue to befriend him and her MH is important too. It's entirely up to her.

Well said.

Got it. As long as someone is not openly racist to us, it's fine and dandy. It's ok if they accuse us of taking their jobs, when speaking to other people. Otherwise we are ableist and ageist.

I have yet to see one, even just one, poster saying he is racist make one ableist comment. Indeed and in fact, it is those excusing his racism, BASED ON HIS AGE, that are the ones being ableist. Those calling out his racism are saying his AGE DOESN'T MATTER.

*ageist, not ableist. However both fit. Those saying he should be excused because of his age, then bring dementia into it. So they are being abelist by accusing him of having dementia. The racist enablers on here are ageist and ableist.

but behind his back 'shocked' that he had been sent a muslim. If he was openly horrible to the man then yes of course that would be different.

Ahhhh, ok. I see. It's ok to be racist behind someone's back, just ...... not in the open. 🙄

The mental gymnastics the racist enablers go through to justify their racist enablism would surely see them qualify for the olympics.