To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

I'm not the one excusing racism. You are.

Its difficult.

My old dad is in his late eighties. I take him to his -numerous- medical appointments, and afterwards he will say things like ' that coloured nurse was a lovely lass, so gentle', 'that black lad in the car park was bloody useless at parking'.
It's just a description to him. If they were white, it would be 'the dark haired doctor' and 'the bloke with glasses'. The terminology is outdated, but not racist.
I cringe at times when a Consultant is asking questions and dad looks at me to rephrase it, or answer for him because he just cannot understand/hear some foreign accents or broad regional accents. Then he gets embarrassed that they might think he's stupid and ignorant.
His GP is born and bred in the village dad lives in and he copes so much better talking to him. Not because he us racist, he is just old and worn out and doesn't know any different.

@Daisydumplings88 I can't work out if you're on a wind up or not.
You don't think its racist to say -
Everyone in the hospital is foreign (a racist lie)
They can't speak a word of English (another racist lie)
They won't let English people become nurses anymore (yet another racist lie)

That last one sounds like my racist family when they all sit around stating as fact that you have to be Polish to get a job at Aldi.

I know!
Pages and pages of people minimising and dismissing this blokes racism just because he's old.
And as for racism being acceptable in the past, it was only acceptable FOR RACISTS in the past. For people who weren't racist, it was never ok, not in the past and not now. The only reason it was more racist in the past because there were more racists.

My neighbours in their 60s are like this. They shd know better. We avoid them as much as possible. No time for ignorance.

Yes I did read your posts.
I read when you said saying - "everyone in the hospital is foreign, they can't speak a word of English, they won't let English people become nurses anymore" isn't racist, it's an observation.

It looks like you missed the fact that I'm speaking from lived experience...?

OH favourite aunt had a stroke. She was religious. He went to the hospital to visit. What came out of her mouth upset him terribly. Obscenities etc.

Since then we cut the elderly a lot of slack.

My friend's father will only have as first choice family or as second choice people of his own original nationality and religious background in his house. No one else. He's very frail, can't really look after himself and his local healthcare providers found him people that matched his requirements. His life is much better, and so is my friend's.

I'd cut him some slack. He's old and lonely and probably doesn't even perceive his comments as racist. Also, re the hospital comments, it can be quite taxing dealing with staff with strong foreign accents and the way that they order their sentences. It becomes hard work when you are trying to take in complex medical info, especially if you're old, your brain is a bit slower and your hearing isn't so good. Perhaps that's partly what he meant? The reality is though, that one day no doubt we will be in a similar position and may well go around unwittingly causing offence with our outdated views and ignorant comments. I, for one, know that I will end up putting my foot in it. In fairness I already struggle with all the correct trans/gender labels and meanings.

I agree.

Our new GP has a strong accent so I have to 'translate' when I take MIL as she can't understand her.

If she was alone at the appointments she wouldn't have a clue.

And that should not be acceptable but dare anyone raise the issue they are condenmed/perceived as being racist 😐😶

We had a consultant when heavily pregnant in the hospital a nurse translated for the patients.

I would cut him some slack due to his age. Some of these comments would be acceptable in his day.

I would feel very sorry for an old man with few relatives, he's a product of his era.

My parent was diagnosed with dementia. They never showed any racist leanings in all my life. A variety of friends of all different races and religions. Not one comment ever that indicated racism.

Then, a couple of years ago, they totally switched political allegiances. They would never, ever have voted for 'the other side' before. In fact said they'd disown us if we ever did!

All of a sudden voting right wing and coming out with some racist comments that made us all very uncomfortable. Totally out of character. We now know it's the dementia sadly.

It wouldn't bother me, but then I don't live in a world where there is no understanding of how times were in past generations, and where someone who could do with some support just gets tossed aside because of one remark.

I also don't belong to the perpetually offended brigade.

This has been an enlightening thread. It's been educational to know what brown people should and should not be offended by. I think that the OP should continue being civil to her neighbour and help if he is really in trouble, but the posters on this thread don't have the excuse of dementia.

Last week- or the week before- a poster was demanding to know why people from other countries were not proud of their heritage and don't constantly talk about where they are from. This is why, really.

Because some posters don't want to be treated by nurses from certain countries.

Because some posters think being called coloured is delightful.
Because some posters think objecting to any of this is being perpetually offended.

Good luck to you all getting the appropriate nurses with the right accents and the right colour and the right names you can shorten to "Jack" or "Lizzie". You won't.

Good luck to you all getting the appropriate nurses with the right accents and the right colour and the right names you can shorten to "Jack" or "Lizzie". You won't.

If this is meant for me, among others, because I said I am not one of the perpetually offended then you are falling way short of the mark. I couldn't care less if I get a nurse with the right accent or colour, because to me there isn't a "right" accent or colour, I don't live in the UK and there aren't too many Jacks or Lizzies in hospitals here. However, I really can't be bothered with people who go around looking for offence in every little thing, and good luck to anyone trying to offend me because I am not a delicate flower.

But you DO belong in a world where whataboutery and every excuse under the sun is used to minimise racism. You also live in a world where your white privilege enables you to not be part of the 'perpetually offended brigade'.

White people suffer too. I always think it's annoying when people say that white people have it easy. I know loads of white people with terrible lives.

Of course white people suffer - I've had terrible times in my life, including poverty, chronic ill-health, a house repossession, sexual assault. But I didn't have to deal with racism on top of all the other shit, unlike POC. That is literally the definition of white privilege.

Bingo! This thread has everything.

I'm 41, out of interest how long have I got before I lose the ability to take in new information or lose all accountability for my behaviour?
And of course white people have bad things happen to them too, they just don't have to deal racism on top of it. Ridiculous bloody argument!

With the speaking English thing my MIL can barely understand the kids' accents after 3 years in Scotland so I do think that older people can struggle with accents. To be fair it usually takes me a few words to tune into a new accent and I'm quite good at accents.