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AIBU?

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Original poster

Responsibility towards niece and nephew

369 replies

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:09

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 28/06/2023 16:54

If bil and sil want to send their children to private school they need to find a way to fund it. You’re not a bank. CFs

sunflowerdaisyrose · 28/06/2023 16:56

My brother is incredibly wealthy (due to marriage) and their four children go to a very expensive private school. We are by no means on the breadline but also have nowhere near the income or assets they do. I'd never expect them to fund anything so extravagant! They will sometimes offer to take us on a day out or pay for the odd meal so they are generous but not ridiculous! (They did pay one bill of £3k so we could access some private treatment for my son once though).

The cousins all get on amazingly!

Qbish · 28/06/2023 16:58

So SIL doesn't want to work, but wants you to fund her children going to private school?

Fuck that shit.

HealthyBBQ · 28/06/2023 16:58

Oh fuck no.
The SIL can not work if she finds the job not suited to her, it’s an all in or nothing job. But she has to be happy then with no income and her DH can pick up bank shifts or try again with exams or step of the ladder and be happy.

Stop finding them for everything!

drpet49 · 28/06/2023 16:59

This is one of the most entitled posts I have read on MN.

Quite simply no chance in hell would I be paying for their kids.

turkeyboots · 28/06/2023 17:00

Some people are just CF. My SiL has asked for "sponsorship" for her children's expensive hobby. DC in question are early teens and no star performers, but as DH us doing well she think we should pay for their hobbies.
I can't get my head round it at all.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/06/2023 17:04

"When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill."
You need to knock this on the head right now. Whilst they may have expressed gratitude for this originally, it has now morphed into expectation and entitlement. If you think of them as toddlers, what would toddlers learn from mummy and daddy always giving them nice things? They would learn to expect it. They would learn they are entitled to it. So it is with your SIL/BIL.

"I do pay for a lot of their stuff. I pay for nieces clothes and toys and also ballet and swimming lessons but private school is an 14 year commitment. What if our financial situation changes? It's also really expensive."
Why do you pay for so much of their outgoings? Did you offer or were you asked? Or not asked, just expected?

"SIL is very fancy. She grew up with lots of money (but her parents don't save anything so they can't help her). She married my BIL who is earning much less than she is used to spending. My husband is a very caring brother and has always looked out for him so he's used to having DH bail him out."
So basically you have two adults (noun) who have never learn to adult (verb). SIL's indulgent parents probably thought they were doing the right thing, but they've produced a daughter who has not and will not provide for herself. And neither do they, now. Your husband presumably thought he was doing the right thing, but he now has a brother who needs to be bailed out repeatedly, and presumably takes no steps to ensure that he doesn't need bailed out in the future.

There's "looking out for someone" and there's "actually looking out for someone". Your husband did the short-term version, taking responsibility onto himself that was his brother's responsibility. He's signally failed with the long-term looking out for his brother, infantilising him and robbing him of the consequences of his actions, so that his brother has failed to mature into a functioning adult. And he needs to rectify that now.

I take it your niece and nephew are pretty young, if you'd be looking at 14 years of private school? Do you want them to grow up as feckless as their parents?

If the answer is 'no' - and I'm fairly sure it is - then you and your husband need to stop being their parents' gravy train. Yes, their parents will tantrum at first (remember - toddlers!) and they will lay the guilt-trip on you with a trowel, but you really need to stand firm here. Whilst it would be kind to keep a roof over their head and food on their table, it's actually hugely unkind to train them into financial parasitism on yourself. They are capable of standing on their own feet, they just like it better when they stand on yours. They're infantilised. Help them grow up by saying no.

Sigmama · 28/06/2023 17:04

It won't cause resentment if the state educated kids are happy and thriving, not everyone wants a private education

Weal · 28/06/2023 17:05

Of course say no. Sounds like you help out a lot as it is already. Also if they wanted SIL could work and use her wages for private school if it was that important.

Honestly I know you’re worried about then not letting you see the children but I honestly doubt that would last. If it did they wouldn’t get the other things you currently pay for.

PollyAmour · 28/06/2023 17:06

You need to prioritise your own family. Don't put more pressure on your poor husband to keep earning £££££££. Downsize your lifestyle and let the man work less and enjoy life more. Stuff SIL and her expectations.

Blueblell · 28/06/2023 17:06

My parents pay for my nephew to go to private school. He lost his parents and they are his guardians, he has had some mild emotional issues and private school provides a longer school day and help with homework so also makes their life a bit easier. My sister and and I have no resentment and both of us have children happy in state school. The cousins all get along fine.

To expect you to take on such a commitment is ridiculous and unfair.

lieselotte · 28/06/2023 17:08

I'd be annoyed that my SIL wasn't working. Why can't she be a private GP?

Anyway there's no need to send kids to private school. If you want to, you earn the money to do it. Maybe you can help out with paying for a language course or to help out at university - much more useful and short-term.

You can't have Champagne ideas on a prosecco income. They have the earning capacity, up to them to get off their bottoms and work to earn it.

Floppyelf · 28/06/2023 17:11

Absolutely not! The cheek of it. Your SIL is some kim Kardashian wannabe… i would cut back on things you already provide. Is your hubby from a different background where the oldest or the most successful is supposed to be a mule for the rest? Do not go along with this charade.

TooBored1 · 28/06/2023 17:11

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:35

I would wager a lot you don’t get on with the sil

Not sure I'd get on very well with someone capable of asking for £750,000!

lechatnoir · 28/06/2023 17:12

Utterly ludicrous that you're even considering it. My sister's children, go to private school and mine don't because I can't afford it. it would never even cross my mind that she should pay or that they'd be entitled just because their cousins do - honestly the mind boggles at the cheeky fuckery of some people!

It sounds like you don't want to divulge your DH's mental health struggles, but might this be a time to give a small bit of information that he has been feeling really stressed and is in the process of reducing his hours and therefore salary so sorry but can't help. You don't need to go into vast amounts of detail, but at least it's an explanation not that you should have to give one .

Sugargliderwombat · 28/06/2023 17:14

Children who go to private school who aren't actually from affluent backgrounds would surely find this harder? Who is going to pay for the ski trips and all the other private school top ups?

FrenchFancie · 28/06/2023 17:15

This is crazy - my brother warns megabucks and both his children have been privately educated all the way through, DD is and will be state educated. It would never cross my mind to ask him to pay for her education!!!

Sugargliderwombat · 28/06/2023 17:15

Your in laws are snobs by the way. Their children won't be worse off in state.

Meepme · 28/06/2023 17:16

Nooooooooooo dont do it. You never know what the future may hold. My children go private and i willingly offered to subsidise my nephews/nieces however my sibling (rightly) said no, that i have my own costs to bear and they really needed to manage it alone. Turns out they couldnt and as such, they go state. But we are all happy and my sibling has no resentment.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 28/06/2023 17:17

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

I actually laughed out loud when I read this. OF COURSE you should NOT be funding a private school education for their children if you don't want to / can't. They are not your responsibility.

Frankly, your SIL and BIL have made their own life choices and they need to live with those choices and raise/fund their children's lives accordingly. SIL could work; she's choosing not to. She is highly educated; there are definitely jobs she could do that are not as stressful as being a GP but that would still pay decently.

Stand firm. Say no. Focus on your and your husband's mental and physical health and cut back his own hours so he doesn't collapse.

Lavenderflower · 28/06/2023 17:18

I think you in-laws are being unreasonable. In fact they sound very entitled. It would be a different matter if they were limited due to illness or disability or had a low income job, however, they are not doing anything to improve their situation.

sesquipedalian · 28/06/2023 17:19

Wow, OP, that’s asking for a HUGE commitment. I would be thinking more of putting money away to ensure you can afford to pay for your own children through school - and bear in mind that school fees will only go up (and by a lot, if a Labour government withdraws charitable status). You need to secure your own children’s futures. My sisters and I had a mix of state and private education for our children, and it didn’t make any difference to how the cousins got on with each other. I really think that paying school fees for your SIL’s children is not only a step too far, but could lead to trouble and resentment further down the line - what if, say, your circs change and you have to stop paying fees for them? That might be worse than if you’d never started. I really think you need to walk away from this, and leave them to educate their own children while you take care of yours.

FlowerBath · 28/06/2023 17:20

You've posted about this before. I swear I have read this story and it had pages upon pages of replies. let me see if I can dig it out..

Nanaof1 · 28/06/2023 17:20

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:12

Thank you. I thought so too. But my husband's family think I'm being stingy so I wanted to sense check my decision.

Show quote history

They are incredibly rude and honestly, seem very lazy. I expect some of that is because you and your DH pay for everything so they have few responsibilities. If your DH's family think the children should go to private school, they can feel free to pay it.

Frankly, I think it's time for you both to stop letting his brother and wife to skip out on adulting. It's time they pull themselves up by their bootstraps and figure out how to support their family without the 101 excuses.

Sometimes, the more you give to people and do for people, the more they expect you to give and do. I know you love your DNe and DNw, but they are also absorbing the lesson that if you put your hand out long enough, others will fill it and they can just coast. JMHO

OriginalUsername2 · 28/06/2023 17:21

Tell them you want more for them, that you want them to strive for success and the feelings of accomplishment that you get from being able to pay for your child with your own earnings. You wouldn’t dream of interfering.. Positive reinforcement!

If it doesn’t work, tell them to get to fuck. Each household is responsible for itself.