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Original poster

Responsibility towards niece and nephew

369 replies

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:09

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

OP posts:
EasterBreak · 28/06/2023 21:14

It's crazy you pay for all their stuff when the mum doesn't even work. It woukd be a huge no from me for all of it. They should raise their own kids.

DelurkingLawyer · 28/06/2023 21:17

What a pair of greedy grasping entitled CFs.

As my FIL used to say, “take what you want and pay for it.” She wanted to be a SAHP. She gave her kids and herself that time together, that undivided attention. But the price she paid for it was that the family income doesn’t pay for everything. Her choice. Not for you to pay for.

LtotheOG · 28/06/2023 21:18

What? She doesn't work and still MIL does childcare 5 days a week? What does she do?

TheCatterall · 28/06/2023 21:19

You and husband need a united front and ‘that doesn’t work for us’. It starts with 14 years of schooling. But what about uniforms. After school activities. School trips… private tuition… oh… little Rosie and Johnny want to go to Uni now. But only the best…

nahhhh. They chose to have children and keep them. They need to adjust their lifestyle.

as for not picking up the bill - stop eating g out with them. They are family - yes. Doesn’t mean you have to socialise etc with them. I’d reduce contact and communication with SIL and BIL a bit. Yes she’ll weaponised the children but not much you can do about that and bowing down to her needs so you can all remain friends isn’t a solution.

if this was your best mate from school what would you do? Or DH? Would you still be worrying so much. Or just thinking ‘away with you ya CF!’

good luck @Emotionalstorm x

DuckyShincracker · 28/06/2023 21:21

I hate to say it but you are like lottery winners in terms of wealth. If I won the lottery I would help my family out with what ever they needed. Even my SIL who absolutely hates me!

FofB · 28/06/2023 21:23

OP, you sound like a fairly balanced person.

Why are you allowing these knobheads to chip away at you? These people, who chirp about you behind your back but put their hands out like little beggars to your face? Who do sad lamb eyes and use their children as bargaining tools for cash?

I would quietly save the money up for the niece and nephew and perhaps help them with a car when they are old enough? That's more than generous.

Otherwise it won't be long before they see you and your OH as a bank as well.

LtotheOG · 28/06/2023 21:23

DuckyShincracker · 28/06/2023 21:21

I hate to say it but you are like lottery winners in terms of wealth. If I won the lottery I would help my family out with what ever they needed. Even my SIL who absolutely hates me!

But SILs kids don't "need" to go to private school.

VDisappointing · 28/06/2023 21:29

I think they are trying it on - I have twins one in private and one in gov locally - I used to threaten to send the twin going gov locally to be sent to private school if he didn’t keep his grades up - he did not like the idea of the bus and longer school hours of private schools and wanted local friends.

whynotwhatknot · 28/06/2023 21:29

sorry but its ridiculous-they want you to fund their childrens education so that would include trips food clothing as well

where does it end wold they want a house deposit for them aswell

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 21:41

whynotwhatknot · 28/06/2023 21:29

sorry but its ridiculous-they want you to fund their childrens education so that would include trips food clothing as well

where does it end wold they want a house deposit for them aswell

They already have a lovely four bedroom house. My in-laws gave them their housing deposit.

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 28/06/2023 21:42

She won't stop access to her DD for long. She doesn't work and MIL does 5x daycare for her per week. She doesn't WANT to spend her time with her kids.

If she stops contact with her children then stop funding all dinners, holidays, clothes and activities.

Simple.

She's a cheeky lazy fucker. Why can't she work? If they want private school, they should earn the money for it. Its a luxury not a necessity.

SnackSizeRaisin · 28/06/2023 21:44

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:13

one huge gap in your Op

What the hell does your husband think? You know the one who is highly stressed in his m current job?

Why not read the OP and then you can find out!

Shinyandnew1 · 28/06/2023 21:44

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 21:41

They already have a lovely four bedroom house. My in-laws gave them their housing deposit.

Show quote history

I think the pp meant they would expect you to find a house deposit for their children. Like you would for your own child-to
make it fair…

I don’t think they’re going to stop you seeing their child, certainly not whilst they’re fleecing you for ballet lessons for her.

MsRosley · 28/06/2023 21:54

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/06/2023 17:04

"When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill."
You need to knock this on the head right now. Whilst they may have expressed gratitude for this originally, it has now morphed into expectation and entitlement. If you think of them as toddlers, what would toddlers learn from mummy and daddy always giving them nice things? They would learn to expect it. They would learn they are entitled to it. So it is with your SIL/BIL.

"I do pay for a lot of their stuff. I pay for nieces clothes and toys and also ballet and swimming lessons but private school is an 14 year commitment. What if our financial situation changes? It's also really expensive."
Why do you pay for so much of their outgoings? Did you offer or were you asked? Or not asked, just expected?

"SIL is very fancy. She grew up with lots of money (but her parents don't save anything so they can't help her). She married my BIL who is earning much less than she is used to spending. My husband is a very caring brother and has always looked out for him so he's used to having DH bail him out."
So basically you have two adults (noun) who have never learn to adult (verb). SIL's indulgent parents probably thought they were doing the right thing, but they've produced a daughter who has not and will not provide for herself. And neither do they, now. Your husband presumably thought he was doing the right thing, but he now has a brother who needs to be bailed out repeatedly, and presumably takes no steps to ensure that he doesn't need bailed out in the future.

There's "looking out for someone" and there's "actually looking out for someone". Your husband did the short-term version, taking responsibility onto himself that was his brother's responsibility. He's signally failed with the long-term looking out for his brother, infantilising him and robbing him of the consequences of his actions, so that his brother has failed to mature into a functioning adult. And he needs to rectify that now.

I take it your niece and nephew are pretty young, if you'd be looking at 14 years of private school? Do you want them to grow up as feckless as their parents?

If the answer is 'no' - and I'm fairly sure it is - then you and your husband need to stop being their parents' gravy train. Yes, their parents will tantrum at first (remember - toddlers!) and they will lay the guilt-trip on you with a trowel, but you really need to stand firm here. Whilst it would be kind to keep a roof over their head and food on their table, it's actually hugely unkind to train them into financial parasitism on yourself. They are capable of standing on their own feet, they just like it better when they stand on yours. They're infantilised. Help them grow up by saying no.

Excellent post @WhereYouLeftIt !

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 28/06/2023 22:07

No fucking way.

What is she on?!

If my SIL made these demands of me, I’d laugh in her face.

”Why don’t you get a job instead of begging for us to pay for you? Don’t scrounge, it’s not becoming.”

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 28/06/2023 22:18

Ding ding ding.

I remember you now. You have a ‘crash pad’ in the city and a second home in Wimbledon.

Funny poster.

However, I still think you should laugh in your SIL’s face.

Going back to your H’s family’s expectations, it reminds me of my inlaws. My FIL has a really weird obsession with us funding my husband’s sister. Not his brothers, just his sister. Even though she has a great earning job, an enormous house, a highly warning husband and chooses to do two days a week. He’s obsessed. And I’m the villain for laughing in his face and saying no. Majority of the wealth is mine, by the way.

But I could write millions of threads on my FIL, the man is hard, hard work.

McKenzieFriend001 · 28/06/2023 22:20

Can I just ask: are you all very close in terms of location / where you are living? Hypothetically could your children attend the same private schools, or are they in a completely different area of the country?

WillyLows · 28/06/2023 22:25

DuckyShincracker · 28/06/2023 21:21

I hate to say it but you are like lottery winners in terms of wealth. If I won the lottery I would help my family out with what ever they needed. Even my SIL who absolutely hates me!

They're not like lottery winners. Their wealth comes from hard work or it's inherited. I would feel obliged to be careful with inherited wealth to respect where it came from. Other people's school fees to allow for their more relaxed lifestyle would not cut it. Lottery wins are just luck which I'd more readily share.

Theoscargoesto · 28/06/2023 22:30

This would be the thin end of the wedge. If you find their lifestyle choices now, you will never stop being asked and it will be harder to say no every time. They the the very cheekiest of CFs who need to learn how to take responsibility. I am flabbergasted that they should even try to lean on you this way and astonished you and your husband aren’t saying no.

whynotwhatknot · 28/06/2023 23:09

Shinyandnew1 · 28/06/2023 21:44

I think the pp meant they would expect you to find a house deposit for their children. Like you would for your own child-to
make it fair…

I don’t think they’re going to stop you seeing their child, certainly not whilst they’re fleecing you for ballet lessons for her.

Show quote history

yes that is what i meant

FFSFF · 28/06/2023 23:13

The answer to this is simple: if parents want to send their DC to private schools they need to pay for it. They cannot expect anyone else to pay for their children.

Just say no.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/06/2023 23:25

I would be really tempted to blow my top at her. How dare she think that she is entitled to your money? She's a professional woman and could go back to work and support her own family. It's outrageous.

WineIsMyMainVice · 28/06/2023 23:31

Your SIL is obviously intelligent enough to be a GP - so if she’s that concerned about her kid’s education she could home school them!!

Fraaahnces · 28/06/2023 23:37

Wait, wait, wait…. SIL has given up work to be a SAHM and MIL looks after the kids 5 days a week???

AAAAAND they still feel entitled to your money?

The entitlement of these two beggars belief!

SheerLucks · 28/06/2023 23:38

@Emotionalstorm I do wonder if this was an unacknowledged seed that started years ago when your DH's career started to go stratospheric.

Your SIL taking long term sick leave then giving up soon after starting a career as a GP...your BIL failing his medical exams etc.

Do you think your DH, in the absence of parental money, has become the unwitting patriarch of the family, and it's now seen as the norm within your wider family that he will provide for everyone?

I'm asking as I know two women from poor backgrounds who did incredibly well and now pay shed loads to their extended families because none of them did so well, but I do wonder if it was a man in the same position would he do the same.