Responsibility towards niece and nephew

[Emotionalstorm]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

No - I don't think you should pay for your niece's and nephew's to be privately educated

I also don't think you should be sub'ing them when you go out to dinner or go on holiday either. I would make paying for your niece's ballet her Christmas present and her swimming lessons her birthday present - and that's it. You are already on a slippery slope here and in severe danger of sliding even further. You're absolute priority is to your child - full stop. Uncles and aunties buy nice Christmas & birthday presents !

DO NOT DO THIS.

My BIL can afford to send his children to private school. We cannot. We would never ever dream of asking him to pay for ours to attend. Instead we are focused on saving to move to the best area possible so that our children can get the best state education and we also pay for extra curricular to widen their social networks and build other skills.

This will set a precedent for people asking you for money and trust me if you fall on hard times they won’t be returning the favor. I predict a huge family fall out if you can’t afford private school in the future and so nip it in the bud now. Two drs should be able to afford a good lifestyle, it’s not your issue she has chosen not to work and he failed his exams.

This is absolutely insane. On what planet do uncles and aunties have an obligation to pay for their nieces and nephews to go to private school? Just tell them no, the state schools are perfectly fine.

Is this a black tax? That's kind of relevant to the discussion. Not that I think you should pay either way, but it might explain why his whole family are unanimous in supporting the idea.

You never know when you or your dh might hit hard times, you should be spending your money on yourselves, enjoying the fruits of your own labours, and investing the rest for you and your dcs futures. Not funding another whole families lifestyle choices.

Your dh needs to set firm boundaries with his brother and stop enjoying spending money on them if they are going to resent when he doesn't give enough. Really he should be give his brother an ear full for even trying to guilt trip him into funding his children going to private school.

My brother is loaded, and while he might buy ds nicer Christmas presents (spending £50 instead of £20), I have never asked for, received or wanted a penny from him.

No way! It all sounds horrible. I don't care if your billionaires, I don't see why you should then fund lifestyles for others... help if you can as your family yes.. yknow ensure, food on the table, clothes on back... but for private schooling? That's an unnecessary financial commitment, that's a privilege that if YOU want it, YOU provide.

My brother is a hell of a lot more well off then my family, yknow what? I buy his coffee sometimes and he does other times. Because family to me is nothing to do about bank accounts and levelling the playing field. I do what I can for him with what I have because I'm his sister, he doesn't owe me for him making a name for himself and working hard. If I wanted what he had, I should have gone in a different career or made better financial decisions.. that's on me not on him. I would never dream of expecting him to essentially financially adopt my children, they are my responsibility alone.

Feels like all the thoughts and expectations are misplaced.

The only reason you are getting responses saying that maybe you should is that people can't imagine having the kind of household income you describe, it's would be like winning the lottery for them. But having your own business is extremely precarious, it could all go away tomorrow. They're not entitled to your support just because you have more money. Uncles and aunties are for treats, not structural support.

Don’t tell people what you earn.
If you want to help your in-laws back off, they need to learn to stand on their own two feet. Stop paying for classes and clothes, they’re not your dc.
Open an account if you wish and put money in for dn and dn to help them through university, but don’t tell anyone.

Sils 2 boys went to private schools Bils 2 boys and our 4 didn't the worst that ever occurred between the 8 cousins was one telling the other that he was a posh one for going to private school. Cousin rolled his eyes and returned " at least this posh twat can catch a ball" and it was promptly forgotten.

Medicine is shit currently. I can understand why your SIL burned out.

Yet having gone through this herself, she would happily have you husband suffer the same to service the (unnecessary) cost of their school fees. This is 300% the cost of sending your one child.

Where does it stop? Presumably you would be expected to fund extra-curricular and school trips. What about a nice new car and a nice big house so that that doesn’t cause resentment.

What if you or they had more children?

What about the resentment their children may feel when they are adults and have not had a decent work ethic demonstrated to them because their parents choose to fund their lifestyle with handouts from their sibling? Or when they are incapable of living within their means because they never saw that being modelled by their parents.

My brother went to private school. I didn’t
My brothers children went to private school.
My parents are paying for my sister’s three children to go to private school.
My daughter goes to state school.

I don’t feel resentful of my siblings for this, and my daughter seems blithely unaware that her cousins purportedly have privileges that she doesn’t.

It’s not fair to ask your husband to take on this extra stress given the effect on his mental health and likelihood of downturn. The family may say that if he loved his nephews/nieces, he would pay. But if they loved him, they would not put this pressure on him.

Wait, what? So SIL isn't working at all? Why can't she get a different job?

I would absolutely not be paying for them.

I'd also hugely pull back on discussing anything to do with your finances with them.

Your poor husband, hard working but a soft man, easily used by his family, with fragile mental health.

Awful.

I would be putting some distance between you and the in laws.

They view you as cash cows while your SIL doesn't even work.

In your place I would very firmly kill this and not engage with any further discussion at all.

Both your inlaws are entitled CF's and I think you should be focused on your husband reducing his hours sharpish before choice is taken from him.

Her choosing to not work at all yet think that her children are owed a private education would give me the Ick and I would be stepping away.

Look after your husband.

Entitlement from your DH brother and wife is shocking. All my DC have gone private and I would not be paying for my siblings kids. It is life choice for your BIL and his wife and they can suck it up

Also, for your sister-in-law; there is lots you can do after quitting medicine.

We always think it is the only thing we are good for, but it gives us so many transferable skills.

I presume she is post-CCT,so her deanery’s PSU isn’t available to her. However, there are some useful links here https://heeoe.hee.nhs.uk/sites/default/files/resources_for_doctors_considering_leaving_medicine1.pdf

Other people may have good advice on DNUK. Certainly, there seems to be threads quite frequently from people considering quitting medicine. Even if she has given up her registration, I think she could still join, as there are lots of retired members on there.

It is OK to give up medicine. It was very brave of her to recognise this and not keep ploughing on. It is OK to be a SAHM.

However, it is not OK to expect others to fund unnecessary luxuries that are beyond your means.

SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go.

What did you reply?

Which family members are saying you should pay? What are you replying to them?

Not at all unreasonable @Emotionalstorm . Anything could happen to you or your husband, and your income could diminish. And your DH probably needs to slow down or take some time out for his own well-being. Earning £1 mill per year is not stress free!!!!!

Your SiL has a very lucrative skillset & qualifications. She doesn't have to work as a GP - there are many jobs she could take (eg with a pharmaceuticals company). She could work part-time as a GP.

Gosh, I have very wealthy family members whereas I'm affluent but not wealthy. I would NEVER ask them for this sort of money. I have too much pride and independence & belief in my own abilities.

Their sense of entitledment is outragous!

And for your BIL, is he still in training, or is he working as an SAS doctor? £67k suggests that he is at registrar level, which means he would have passed his membership, so it might be the SCE he is having trouble with.

If he is still in training, he should speak to his TPD. There is PSU support for repeated failure of exams, and sometimes coaching can get people through when knowledge and skills are fine, but it is exam technique/psychological blocks/external factors causing the problem.

if he no longer has an NTN, it’s still worth speaking to the postgraduate team at his hospital or a consultant in his department who is experienced in education. You can get to consultant via the CESR route. He would have to demonstrate his experience is equivalent to the training curriculum and it would require passing the exam (or showing equivalence). It can be more tricky, but with supportive senior colleagues, it is possible.

Aside from that, he can still carve out a good career as an SAS doctor. I have worked with lots of excellent SAS colleagues who have not been able or chosen not to become consultants. They occupy spaces on consultant rotas/have own lists etc.

He does not need to remain a junior doctor for the rest of his days.

TBH I can’t believe they think it’s remotely reasonable to ask or expect this.

This is mental! My brother earns more than your husband, he just got a million pound bonus and is due to make 120 million when the business is sold. I would never dream of asking for this and his children go to private school. Its of no relevance to my own children's education. Unbelievably cheeky, 100% tell them no.

There are so many jobs she could do with her qualifications. They have an absolute cheek asking you to subsidise them! I can’t understand how you would even consider it for one minute.

Make sure you buy them each a pony too....

Absolute piss takers! I'm afraid this seems to be a case of 'give them an inch....' You've already been paying for more than you should, but fine if you are happy with that on your terms. But this is ridiculous! I mean, could anything be more expensive than putting their kids through private school?! They'll be asking you to buy them a house next!
Incidentally, my kids aren't at private school, their cousins are. The kids do not care or even know really.

If they’re so cheeky and unreasonable that they assume you’ll do this, imagine what they’d be like if they had to pull their kids out of private school in 4 years of your husband lost his job/livelihood?!

Do you think they’d be grateful for all you’d done for them, or livid that you’d now ruined their kids’ lives…?!

They have a joint income of 65k. Why are you paying for anything for them?