Responsibility towards niece and nephew

[Emotionalstorm]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

I am eternally flabbergasted by the posters in here who earn such extreme amounts of money - what the hell do you do???

Ask SIL to go back to work so your children don’t feel left out from having a SAHM.

1. You are not entitled to access to your niece, so there's nothing you can do about this.
2. Your attitude towards your in-laws income is not pleasant.
3. Your in-laws attitude towards this "want" is entitled and rude.
4. Your husband is right, if you paid for it and then you needed to stop, it's highly likely they will get bullied if they end up in state school after private school (a regular occurrence sadly).
5. I would absolutely NOT pander to their request. It is not up to you and your husband to fund their child's education.
6. Private school fees may very well go up soon due to the VAT issue.

For info, my BIL/SIL have around the same income as you and your husband, myself and my husband have a similar income to your BIL/SIL. My BIL/SIL send their only child to private school, our two children are home educated and always have been.

Absolutely NO resentment whatsoever between us as adults OR the cousins.

Your in-laws saying it may cause resentment between cousins actually means THEY will resent YOU both if you say no. It's emotional blackmail.

STOP paying for their dinners and holidays. They aren't poor, just bloody entitled. Your SIL can get a job, any type of job once her child starts STATE SCHOOL.

Your in laws have the education and skills to maximise their income if they wish to prioritise private education for their children. Your DH is a very high earner but the income is unstable and can change from year to year . It would be bizarre for him to commit to £40k a year for the next 14-18 years for their education when their parents are perfectly capable for finding it if they chose to.

My nephew is starting at Eton in September and my DS is also starting secondary. Have I missed a trick here by not expecting my DSIS to also fund my DS to go to Eton?

P.s. I would NEVER send my DS to Eton, even if it was paid for!

This is going to go horribly wrong if you need to pull anyone out, especially if it's heading towards exam years. What if their kids are in exam years and yours isn't, are you pulling your kid out into state education and paying for theirs to stay?

You choose how to live your life and work to achieve the ambitions you set for yourself, your DH and your children. Just because you and your DH are doing it - does not mean that your in-laws should expect you to pay for their ambitions too!! If they want it - they go out and work for it!

If there is a possibility that your income may go down in the future then don't sign up to anything does not benefit you and your family. You have already indicated worries about your DH so plan for it. If everything goes t**ts up then things won't be so bad and if it all turns out okay then life will have been much easier without the added stress.
Look after your own and when you do pick up the tab for meals out etc it will be because you really wanted to not because it was expected of you.

This is mental. Why on earth do they expect you to pay for their dc? Just say no. And stop covering the bill for meals and holidays!

Pee taking cfs who are taking you for a pair of absolute mugs. Will you pay for my child to go to private school so I can sit on my backside and enjoy watching the world go by? She's got some bloody neck. Tell them both to disappear and sort their house out.

It doesn’t sound like your husband wants to stay in a high pressured role indefinitely.

How secure are you financially? Do you have a mortgage, large pensions, savings etc? I would be looking to secure my future first, by making sure we would be set up for life if you both wanted to retire from high pressure job and retrain doing a job you would love.

After I was set up, I would be looking to my DC to see what I could set them up with, whether that’s a JISA or premium bonds or a pension etc and set up an account to cover school fees and uni money

Unless after all that I had so much sloshing about I could prepay for the niece and nephew for their entire education, then no I wouldn’t be paying for them. Besides what would be next, their uni, a car, house etc?

I would say DH isn’t happy in his role and is looking to get out soon and there will be much less disposable income so you can’t commit to years of private school and are being more careful about what you are now spending.

No there is no cultural expectation. My husband made partner at an American law firm. It is not a family business. His dad was a dentist.

This is mental. They can't afford to send their kids to private school so unless you are absolutely insanely rich and are committing to pay until both leave school then don't start down this road. It would be far far worse for these kids to spend a year or two at private and then have to switch schools back to state if you couldn't afford to keep it going. Very disruptive for their education and friendships etc.
You've just said that you're unsure about DH earnings in the next few years and so you just say I'm sorry we can't afford this and that's the end of it!

I respect anyone who is stressed out by their job and has mental health issues due to overworking but why should my husband ignore his own mental health issues so he can fund her kid's private school so she doesn't need to go back to work. He would only cut down his days to three days a week if we can still pay our own way. We wouldn't do it if we needed to beg for money from other people. Why is her mental health more important than his?

My nieces and nephew go to private school, my children do not. There isn’t any rivalry. The only issue is that the children have all ended up very different due to having very different peers.
for example my children have a wide range of friends from different backgrounds and are therefore more empathetic and wise and my nieces and nephews friends are all very privileged and as a result can sometimes be a little ignorant and unaware of the reality of life.
my father went to private school and he was always dead against sending us due to the same reasons.
So no don’t pay for them, let them experience life and social issues like a normal person as it will benefit them far more then private school.

This is madness, and the SIL has a brass neck to beat all others.

Over the years you're probably taking about £500K NET!!

They are totally taking advantage of you already and they are not even grateful. What jumped out at me was this:

They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

That's a threat right there. Why would it cause resentment? on the part of the children. More likely on the part of BIL and SIL who would point it out to them. And then the rest of the family wade in with their headshaking and disapproval. Why don't they pay the fees if they are that bothered about it?

Its the threat that you will be resented if you don't just stump up and hand over the cash that I find so repugnant about their "request" and getting the rest of the family to join in too.

You are clearly generous and you love your niece, but you have your own family to think of. Just because times are good now, things could go wrong, sickness, unemployment etc.. And 14 years of fee paying for x number of other people's children is crackers.

The other issue is you say that your DH's health is being affected by his current job and he wants to cut his hours... how much do they care about that?
It means he is providing for two sets of children and this will influence his employment choices and his ability to find a way to make his job less stressful.
Its just not on.

Say no. Firmly and clearly.. I guarantee you will be funding all of them for life. Take the hit and the disapproval.

One alternative thing you could do, is to set up a savings account to build up savings for them for university expenses when they reach 18/20. That would be extremely generous, would grow as the years go by, and would not have such a significant impact on your own lives.

Don't discuss finances with them ever again, even if they ask. They are grabby freeloaders and it would be different if they cared as much about your Dh's health as they do about their holidays, free meals, and school fees.

Why is her mental health more important than his?

It’s not. Everyone on here can see the situation for what it is, so can you and your DH.

They are trying to take the piss but just say no.

I could understand a request for one-off modest loan to make ends meet. But covering the cost of two kids private schooling for years is a huge request!!

The fact that you are considering your husband having a mental breakdown as one possible future outcome speaks volumes. This is an intolerable pressure on him and SIL is taking the piss frankly. He is not responsible for the education of his nieces and nephews. SIL and BIL have made their own career choices. It's fair enough if SIL doesn't want to work as a GP, but she needs to take responsibility for that decision.

I think this should be quite simple to sort. Obviously they are unreasonable asking in the first place, but your husband can just say to them that both you and he will be reevaluating your careers and way of life in the near future as you're worried that the status quo is unsustainable. Hence there is no guarantee that your household will continue to earn at this level. This being so, it would be incredibly irresponsible of you to take on financial commitments that you might struggle with in the long-term and there's too great a risk of your nephew and niece's education being interrupted at a crucial point.

It's really not my BIL. He's not that sort of person. He just does what he's told. It's his wife. She has a very clear plan for everything and when things don't end up exactly the way she wants she gets really depressed and grumpy. My BIL is a bit spineless and never says no. He said he wouldn't take offence but his wife definitely will and we all know who controls access to his children. It isn't him. Her reasoning is just 'its for Katie' (I've changed the name to avoid identification). She thinks we as a family should prioritise her children over everything if we have the money. She's also told me several times that 'Katie's headmaster has said she has great potential for X prestigious private school' and has turned down places at a really good state nursery. At this rate her kid might not get anywhere good and then she will tell us we need to send her to the private school to avoid going to the undesirable one. She thinks that she and her husband should have the same standard of living as us since they are brothers. I have no issue with her having the same thing but I'm worried because this is a lot of money and a long term commitment. I don't want to jeopardize our ability to look after our kids and set them up by making such a promise.

Why are you giving this headspace-honestly she sounds delusional?!

Just say it won’t be happening.

Yes I would like to help out my niece and nephew if I can in the future with uni fees and maybe her deposit for buying their first property but I want to do it in my own terms. I have been careful not to mention any of this in case it creates expectations. I also think it's more likely to feel entitled to my money rather than treat it as a nice gesture on my part.

@Emotionalstorm your SIL is delusional.

Just ignore all their noise.

Stop letting them become privy to your own financials. Don't discuss your child's schooling with them anymore. Just you do you and keep your own business to yourself. Just to help minimise their noise.

Your bil and sil are already benefitting from your generosity, don't let them take the piss. You don't know what's in the future and your dh might decide he can't work.

Very entitled behaviour. You make your choice in life and then live within your means. Why should their choices impact you. It would be a no from me. The children aren't entitled to private education. They will only have a problem with your children being private if the parents make it an issue.