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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Responsibility towards niece and nephew

369 replies

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:09

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

OP posts:
gogomoto · 28/06/2023 17:49

These are extremely high salaries so kind of hard for most of us to comprehend! Personally I would want to help family out but in the form of secondary education, also in your circumstances I would want to be saving 80% of take home income so your DD's can step back in 5-10 years

Shinyandnew1 · 28/06/2023 17:49

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor

He’s not a trainee doctor unless he is at
medical school in which case he wouldn’t be earning. He’s a doctor. If he wants his kids to go to private school, they need to organises their joint finances so they can earn enough to facilitate that-not involve you.

My brother’s kids are at private school, mine are not. It would be bizarre to expect him
to pay for mine to go!

Usernamenotavailab · 28/06/2023 17:50

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 17:42

Their DS is your DH… yes?

Show quote history

Yes.

why does it matter?

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 17:52

Usernamenotavailab · 28/06/2023 17:50

Yes.

why does it matter?

Show quote history

Doesn’t “matter” in the slightest

Just me being nosy

Atnilpoe · 28/06/2023 17:53

My kids go private, none of their cousins do, there’s no resentment, I don’t think any of them think anything about it. That said, if I had a family income of over a million I’d be happy to fund private education for my nieces and nephews. Neither sister would ask though, it’s definitely being a CF to do that!

SchoolShenanigans · 28/06/2023 17:54

Husband earns £1M+
You earn £120k?

I call bullshit.

Peanutbutteryday · 28/06/2023 17:54

No! Why does your DH getup and go to his presumably high pressured job? I assume not to fund niece and nephew through private school. Plus his circumstances may change.

Grumpy101 · 28/06/2023 17:54

YANBU. And a fallout with them would actually be a good thing, they're cheeky fuckers

Pearlsaminga · 28/06/2023 17:56

the reason these 2 dont feel like working is they feel they have a right to a share of your income, I predict they will gradually make themselves look poorer & poorer in an effort to guilt you into funding them

caramelegg · 28/06/2023 17:56

Wtf? The audacity to even ask is absolutely unbelievable. No you should not pay.

BodyKeepingScore · 28/06/2023 17:59

In what world is it acceptable to expect your siblings to find your lifestyle choice?!? They're being incredibly rude and entitled. Irrespective of your income, they have made choices about their financial circumstances and should be made to cut their cloth - your nieces and nephews education is not your responsibility no matter how much you love them. If they want their children educated privately they should take steps to be able to afford that themselves.

stillavid · 28/06/2023 18:00

Unless you have enough money in savings to put all three through private school just tell them there is no way you can make that commitment. Also bear in mind school fees have gone up a lot this year, mine around 8% and if labour win the next election there will be VAT on top of this.

drpet49 · 28/06/2023 18:00

ThinWomansBrain · 28/06/2023 17:24

as well as choosing not to work, they also decided to have three children.
Why do they expect you to fund their lifestyle choices?
Lazy entitled CFs

This

Fandabedodgy · 28/06/2023 18:00

You are already going above and beyond for them.

Expecting you to fund a private education for them both is absolute CF territory. Its not your responsibility.

And she can get a job.

caramelegg · 28/06/2023 18:05

No whey Jose

Purplebunnie · 28/06/2023 18:06

Doubt it will stop at 18, they will be wanting you to subsidise them at Uni as well - that's an extra 3 years per child - unless they want to be a doctor or a vet and then it's even longer.

Ginburee · 28/06/2023 18:09

Absolutely not, and why are you always picking up the tab for dinner and holidays?

Your sil sees you as a cash cow, please don't fund the private schools as it may well cripple your finances.

BMW6 · 28/06/2023 18:10

SchoolShenanigans · 28/06/2023 17:54

Husband earns £1M+
You earn £120k?

I call bullshit.

Don't be so ignorant. 20 years ago I dealt with the tax affairs of an individual earning 2m a year and his wife worked too earning 50k pa.

I've seen many, many people earning these figures.

And OP - stop the funding completely. Your DH's physical and mental health is fat far more important than his brother and SIL's jealousy and resentment. They don't care about him.

MaidOfSteel · 28/06/2023 18:12

Your brother in law and sister in law both seem able to take on other work in order to increase their household income, but they haven't. For me, that's crucial. If they'd done that and were still struggling, I might be more inclined to consider their request, though still reluctant. I think they are being incredibly rude, entitled and are playing on you & your husband being very generous in nature as well as your love for your nice & nephew.

In your place, I'd tell them you're looking to cut your husband's hours, and are expecting a substantial drop in income, and unfortunately can't take on that kind of long term commitment.

BMW6 · 28/06/2023 18:14

Oh and to answer your thread title.

Zero.

WishIwasElsa · 28/06/2023 18:17

If they cannot afford private school then it's not for you to pay. I can't believe the audacity of them asking. There will only be resentment if they fuel that, otherwise all the kids will think is our cousin goes to a different school. They can better their situation should they wish to without much difficulty it's a matter of choices. My kids are extremely unlikely to ever go to private school I'm not resentful that others can afford that.

Oldnproud · 28/06/2023 18:19

If my household had that kind of income (it doesnt), I think I might well offer to help out my siblings' families if I was very close to them but, rightly or wrongly, I would balk at the idea if they were the ones who tried to initiate / guilt trip us into this.

Olderandolder · 28/06/2023 18:20

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:09

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

A long time ago I dated a 26 year old whose father had paid for his cousins to go to Eton. He was still resentful that they showed no gratitude. And the cousins won’t show gratitude because the favour was to their parent, not to them.

Universities discriminate against private school kids these days so the cousins may grow up to resent having been sent.

Don’t do it. They can afford to be clueless about money because you pick up the tab. What when they go into debt? Will you bail them out? To what limit? Your DH is stressed. There is no way he should be doing that for someone else’s family.

Countdown2023 · 28/06/2023 18:21

sod that do a game of monkeys! It is not just the fees it will also be uniform, trips and extracurricular.

if you do this you will then be tapped up for university fees and helping them with house deposits.

do not be a mug just say no

Shinyandnew1 · 28/06/2023 18:23

But my husband's family think I'm being stingy

Who does? What have they said?

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