Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

Could you take some time and put together 2 columns about what you do in the home for the family (including bringing the kids to all of their activities) and what he does.

I'm picturing that he's a surgeon (as you're a nurse, could be wild speculation) and he doesn't know what operations are coming down the line day after day. But that is his job and he's helping other people, not the family while he does that job.

So write down what he does in the house/home and what he brings to the table. Does he cook/clean up after dinner? Does he wash floors/vacuum/dust? Does he look after the garden at all? Does he do any DIY/home repairs? What does he do? Then write down all that you do.
Sometimes blokes are very visual - they don't grasp that when you say you're stretched, you are really stretched so show him. Say enough is enough. I cannot and will not be doing X or Y going forwards.

Your kids will have a burn out if he expects all this? No wonder we have a problem with anxiety, stress and depression in the young and It's A too much for you too. You are allowed to drop a few things.

For the sake of your children you have to take control of this op.

It is deeply unhealthy to be pushing them like this every night of the week. Perhaps your dh feels it’s good parenting giving them so much opportunity but hasn’t weighed up the cost to their mental health - they will burn out.

The fact you seem quite powerless to put your thoughts and decisions forward is really concerning and it’s painting a picture of a psychologically controlling man that weaponises his disappointment’ to make you feel inadequate and insecure. This in itself is abuse op.

Send him a text removing 50% of the activities with immediate effect and look him on the eye and remind him that you have equal authority in the relationship and with regard to the dc and walk away. You are not obliged to follow his instructions op.

For the love of God, I know it's tempting to reply back with something that exposes Daddy's flaws but please don't.

Children are not there as point scoring mechanisms for their parents. I realise he is already doing this but they don't need both parents at it.

Excuse me? Is he your partner or your boss?

Fuck off sunshine is a complete sentance

"You want them to do the extra things, then you take them, I'll see you when you get back"

Sounds like he had a harried stay-at-home-mother when he was growing up, and doesn't think that studying for a degree is actually work. He sees you physically at home part of the time (I'm guessing, given that you are studying), and feels vaguely that you should be running around with the kids filling your time with all these activities.

OP, you need to drop these activities (or almost all of them), tell your husband that that is what you are doing, and be prepared to go absolutely nuclear on him if he starts with the stupid whining or put-downs.

I think you need to drop some of these activities not just for your sake but for your DCs. They are way too young to be doing that amount of stuff in a week. They must be exhausted!

I’m curious, what’s his big important job that doesn’t tell him what hours he is working for the week instead on daily basis? He’s lying

OP I can only assume you’re the sort of woman that thinks men should be head of the house hold and make all the rules, and women should be skivvies, because you seem to think you can’t have an equal voice in this relationship. If that’s the case, I don’t know what to say, you signed up for this, but if you’re realising that having a permanent dictator isn’t the romantic dream you hoped, you can leave. If this is NOT your belief, then for god sake, please located your backbone and stand up for yourself. Not allowed my bloody arse, he’s not your owner. Are you scared of him?

Just stop doing it.

Whats he gonna do? So what if he says "mummy won't take you" - say "well, daddy won't take you either". If he says "well daddy has to work" say "yes, so does mummy - I have to work really hard at my degree so I can get a job". Or even better just ignore him and walk out of the room. Tell him you won't stand there whilst he tries to manipulate you in front of the children.

Why are you letting this arsehole push you around? That's on you.

Not to mention the damage you are inflicting on your very young children never having any down time and growing up seeing mummy get pushed around by daddy. Poor kids.

@Flopberry

what do you mean you’re not allowed?
he can’t force you op
stand up for your self

I don't think they schedule is so bad, it's only two school says a week, and two school days off. Then weekends, surely he is available to do those ones? My 6 year old does cricket, football, Gymnastics, Beavers, tennis. My 8 year old does cricket, tennis, Brownies, piano, French. This is on top of internal school clubs, they have several of those each too. They still have plenty of time to chill and play with friends and neighbours... School finished in the afternoon at 3:20, so an after school activities is easily manageable and it helps with their pent up energy after school. My partner works away in the week and I don't drive, I work every day, so it is a lot of ferrying around. My compromise is I won't sign them up for weekend activities, if their dad wants to he is welcome to, but not me. That is my resting time. I think you should refuse to do weekends, if he wants to, he can do those.

Not to derail the thread, this is why it’s so important for women to get their education/career etc sorted before having kids. If OP had her degree sorted before kids in tow, then would be much easier for her to leave. Financial independence is everything. OP finish your degree, cut down the activities and get rid of this prick.

Not to mention she wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage and pay bills if she left him. That’s why it’s better for her to stay and get a job, then leave. Use money from this house for deposit on new house

Jesus H Christ. That’s a lot of clubs. Especially for tiny children.

The only club mine ever did at 4 and 6 was Wraparound “Club”

So mummy and daddy could both work. As an equal partnership.

Your husband needs a serious talking to. If you can’t do it, maybe this marriage is a mismatch.

I’m sorry for your situation, OP.xxx

The language of ‘forced’ and ‘not allowed’ is disturbing. I doubt there is any fixing what is wrong with this guy. It’s his entire personality and attitude to himself and a ‘ woman’s role’ that’s wrong here. Counselling can’t fix that. Doesn’t sound like he thinks he even has a problem to fix.

You also need to stop feeling guilty. He isn’t feeling guilty for prioritizing himself and his work over after school activities so why should you? After school activities aren’t more important than bonding with your kids by enjoying down time together anyway.

Stop the activities whilst you are busy. Prioritize your nursing degree. Then, once you have a profession. you need to think about leaving.

2 activities a week is more than enough - preferably matching ones.

If he wants to take them to 1 more each fine, but for your children’s sake no more than that.

Drama coach here, and with a child who does theatre by choice - the lessons for the 4 year old (and possibly the six year old as well) are a waste of time and money :-)

Yes, they look very cute bobbling around a stage in costume with a couple of lines, but they'll do that at school and there's very little actual 'theatre' they can learn until they're older. It isn't dancing, where being young gives an advantage because they're bendy. There's nothing they're doing in class at 4 that they won't catch up in a couple of weeks at 7. Please don't get swept into the whole 'this Grade by this age' thing so young - it isn't helpful. It serves only to make money for the organisation and puts off as many kids as it helps.

I wouldn't say they need football 2 x week at that age either.

Can they swim? If not, that's more important than golf!

I'd switch some activities to his days off so he can take them. And agree counselling to see how you've got yourself into a situation where one of you cala the shots to the point that tthe other is completely exhausted from following their orders

Why would you feel guilty? All of that isn't in the kids' interests. They are too young - he is the one who should feel guilty for making them do so much.

Do the things that are close to home and drop the rest. He can take them to junior parkrun on a Sunday.

Tell him to sod off, he's not the boss of you. Not sure if there's a cultural factor at work here but it matters not.

I think you need a serious discussion with H about what he can do to step up more into parenting. Change job, reduce hours, get rid of some financial commitments.

He also needs to re-examine why he thinks the DC should be doing so many extra curricular activities and question whether it is best. I think it is already far too much for such young children.

What about the importance of spending time as a family like crafts and lego at home.

Tell him if he interferes, he volunteers!

OP, are you a people pleaser generally by chance? It feels like your DH has tapped into this and is basically using this to his advantage as he knows you don't want the confrontation. Your children will be exhausted, it's end of summer term and they need to be kids, relax and enjoy their time. Activities are great but not every day and if he wants them to do Parkrun on a weekend, he takes them!

I’d pick on thing/day each that you and DH take them to and drop everything else.
So maybe you do Friday activities and he does Saturday activities.
Then nothing else.

Your husband is a passive aggressive bully and his behaviour is hurting your children. Do they ever get any downtime? This schedule is insane.

I don't think you need couples therapy. I think you need therapy, OP, so you understand that you are equal partners in your marriage and he has no right to dictate anything. You need to learn to be more assertive and stop taking his shit.

This says it even better.