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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

506 replies

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:50

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

OP posts:
anonymousxoxo · 28/06/2023 07:54

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:59

He will go on and on and the guilt will be unreal. It’s awful

Divorce him

Gymmum82 · 28/06/2023 07:55

Mine do clubs on tuesday evenings. Wednesday evenings. Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. The difference is my husband often takes them on Thursdays and Saturdays. If he didn’t and I needed them to drop a club I’d just drop the club. There would be no discussion.

Just tell him you’re not doing it. You don’t have to be ‘allowed’ to say no. If he wants golf he can take them. If he can’t take them then the kid doesn’t get to do golf. Stand up for yourself and say no I’m not doing it

anonymousxoxo · 28/06/2023 07:56

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:59

He will just lay on massive guilt trips or say stuff to my son like “mum doesn’t want to take you” and that hurts. I do want the best for my kids but I am so mentally exhausted.

Well, why can’t you say “daddy doesn’t want to take you because of his big important job”. Why are you allowing him to belittle you? Make the same comments back at him.

Clymene · 28/06/2023 07:56

Has no one else picked up on the fact that knobhead husband wants his son to do twice as many activities as her daughter? I guess he wants his daughter to learn young that her role in life is to be a support human to men and boys.

LolaSmiles · 28/06/2023 07:57

Maybe I've spent too long on Mumsnet but I can't help wondering if he's trying to keep you busy until he's home so you've not got time to do anything for you.

Young children don't need that many activities. It's exhausting for them and the parent who is facilitating it all. Children need downtime and time to play. They don't need an extensive timetable of extra-curricular activities every night.

anonymousxoxo · 28/06/2023 07:57

Clymene · 28/06/2023 07:56

Has no one else picked up on the fact that knobhead husband wants his son to do twice as many activities as her daughter? I guess he wants his daughter to learn young that her role in life is to be a support human to men and boys.

Surprised she hasn’t been enrolled in cooking/baking activities as those are appropriate for her because she’s a girl.

sarcasm

DreamItDoIt · 28/06/2023 07:58

You are nit only damaging your own health and well being but also, imo, your children's.

They are too young for that amount of out of school activity. Have you actually asked them what they want to do or is it just barked orders from your DH?

You need to sit down and decide what you want/can do and then put it in place. If your DH wants them to do extra he needs to adjust his 'very important man job' hours and do it himself.

If he says to the children 'mummy won't take you' you need to tell him to stop being so disrespectful and tell the children that you too have a job and are studying. Please please show your children that the man of house is not in charge and you also important and can make decisions and are not a skivvy.

AngelinaFibres · 28/06/2023 07:59

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:55

His work has always come first, he only know what he’s working the day before, most days he’s back after all the after school activities so so 6.30pm onwards. I am so drained and unmotivated and feel trapped in a never ending cycle. I am doing a condensed honours degree and I’m at such a hard part of the degree.

The most valuable thing a child can have is the opportunity to be bored. If you are always at " things", and "classes" you never have to think for yourself or to entertain / motivate yourself. From boredom comes creativity.
They ( and you) must be permanently wired and exhausted. Is he doing it so he can boast about how clever they are.

DreamItDoIt · 28/06/2023 07:59

Yes I noticed that re activities for the son. His help him if he isn't good at/doesn't like sport.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/06/2023 08:00

Pick one activity they can both do together at the same time each week. Cancel ever other one. Just do it. He can moan and guilt trip you all he likes

"Given you do little to nothing with our children, I don't think you gave any moral high ground to judge how I manage my week. You want them to do more sport? Book it and take them yourself, I'm not discussing this any further with you"

And just work on how you let his judgement of you roll right off your back. Just because he says these things doesn't mean they are true.

Nowvoyager99 · 28/06/2023 08:03

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:57

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed.

What on earth does this mean? Not allowed? You aren’t six years old!

Do what you want, and if he starts whining, tell him to pack it in or fuck off.

NotSorry · 28/06/2023 08:05

When my eldest son was in year 1 - I booked him for swimming lessons (I also had 2 younger children and a 4th on the way) and I was listening to all the other parents describing a schedule like yours. Thinking I was failing my kids, I spoke to a friendly mum and said all he has is swimming lessons, I feel like he should be doing more and she said to me "at this age, it's enough that they go to school"

I never forget those words and when my kids were older they did swimming which then became martial arts when they had learned to swim and guiding/scouting - that was it - it was enough

loislovesstewie · 28/06/2023 08:08

No child of that age needs so many activities. What happened to going home after school and playing out reading, playing games? Your husband is controlling you and your kids, and it needs to stop. And as for you not being allowed to stop the activities, I'd tell him exactly what to do with that suggestion. You don't need his permission to do the sensible thing. Divorce him.

DisquietintheRanks · 28/06/2023 08:08

Whether you leave this man or work on your marriage fgs grow a spine. You are a good mum, you love your children, you are a competent professional. You know what's good for them and what works for you. Have some confidence in yourself and some respect for your own needs. It is deeply sad that your husband's blethering makes you feel guilty rather than thinking him ridiculous and a hypocrite to boot.

Offwegotosleep · 28/06/2023 08:09

Woah that’s absolutely mental! We do one thing at the weekend and swimming. That’s it and only recently started swimming. I’d have a break down trying to work and take them every which way. Sounds utterly exhausting for the kids too!

AgentJohnson · 28/06/2023 08:11

Your mindset needs to change. Why would you feel guilty for being emotionally abused into thinking a ridiculous activity schedule for your kids is ok? If you can’t say no to their father, how will they ever learn to? Your kids even if they were twice their ages, don’t need such a busy schedule. I’m sure if any sane person would look at their schedule they would be appalled.

Your H pushing all these activities has absolutely nothing to do with your kids well being. It appears to be a plausible mechanism to exhaust you. Your H is at best an idiot or at worst, a controlling idiot. Oh wait, he tries to emotionally blackmail you by manipulating his kids, he’s definitely an abusive idiot.

Once you graduate, do not expect him to be more accommodating, he won’t. Instead he will become more belligerent.

omgsally · 28/06/2023 08:14

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 23:01

He helps with laundry at least… I know I’ve mentioned that things will have to shift when I graduate. He drives but again his hours aren’t child friendly

Helps? He's not 'helping'. He's just doing the laundry. It's not your job to do the laundry; it's a shared domestic task.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 28/06/2023 08:14

As a point of contast, my 4 year old does nothing yet! She is at pre-school all day though.

I don't even think about activities until they start school.

Your dh is a fucking arsehole, but i think you know this.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/06/2023 08:15

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:59

He will just lay on massive guilt trips or say stuff to my son like “mum doesn’t want to take you” and that hurts. I do want the best for my kids but I am so mentally exhausted.

To that type of comment you sharply reply "It was daddy's idea to sign you up to another activity and it is actually daddy that can't bring you. I bring you to X, Y and Z instead. Perhaps when daddy starts bringing you to football/acting/whatever, then we might revisit the possibility of you taking up golf. Do you want to do golf Adam?"

I'd bet that your son doesn't want to learn golf or do most of the after school activities but is doing them because he wants to please his father, which is a sad state of affairs.

Children are allowed to have down time.
You are allowed to have down time.

Just wondering, because I only got to your post above before feeling compelled to respond, what type of job does your husband do that he only knows his schedule the day before?

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 28/06/2023 08:16

The thing that should concern you most of all is that you feel forced / coerced.

this is a bad thing!

Say no! Stand up for yourself. What will happen?

I think you may need some help about your relationship here.

Bettyfromlondon · 28/06/2023 08:20

Some great comments here about the children's activities.
I strongly urge you to keep a cold , clear eye on getting the best nursing qualification you can which means not getting exhausted in the service of your husband and children.
Your marriage sounds on dodgy ground and you may need to have your own good career in the near future!

Appleass · 28/06/2023 08:21

Your kids so young have far to much going on in my opinion. Kids need to chill as well. Not packed off to one activity to another.

BHRK · 28/06/2023 08:22

What an absolute bastard of a husband and father he is

RandomMess · 28/06/2023 08:22

A key point here is that your workload is insane and TEMPORARY your DC are very young 1 or 2 activities is more than enough for most children.

It sounds like he is doing this deliberately to sabotage your efforts. It's awful. It waves red flags of controlling behaviour.

You need to be saying no and if it's so important to him he needs to do it.

They need activities where they don't need to attend every week to accommodate your future job. This is utterly insane that you are already doing so much on top of studying and he is dictating what you do with your time.

Roughashouses · 28/06/2023 08:24

He's a disgrace. Your kids are going to be as shattered as you are. I honestly think if you can't share your concerns about this, and he's not interested in your thoughts or how you feel, then you need to leave him.