Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

506 replies

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:50

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 28/06/2023 09:05

Drop them all. His work comes first? What a fucking hypocrite!!! He doesn't think your nursing degree is important?

Fuck that.

He needs to step up, don't risk your degree at this critical time. Kids will be fine.

SwordToFlamethrower · 28/06/2023 09:06

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:59

He will just lay on massive guilt trips or say stuff to my son like “mum doesn’t want to take you” and that hurts. I do want the best for my kids but I am so mentally exhausted.

"Mummy has exams and wants to pass her nursing degree. Mummy can't take you at the moment. Daddy won't take you and daddy is heading for a divorce with his shitty attitute"

SillySausage81 · 28/06/2023 09:06

I'm so angry on your behalf. How DARE he disrespect your time, your physical and mental wellbeing, and try and manipulate you using emotional blackmail via the children, all whilst doing nothing himself? What a shit.

I was an au pair briefly for a some kids who had a similar schedule and I quit after 3 months because I couldn't cope with their schedule - I was going to bed earlier than the children every night I was so knackered! These poor kids were constantly exhausted, emotionally drawn, they were throwing tantrums way past the age where tantrums are developmentally appropriate, because they so rarely had any time to truly rest, relax, and just play by themselves. Children NEED that time. And so do you. Your needs matter. Get some ear plugs for when he starts emotionally blackmailing you.

Bluebells1970 · 28/06/2023 09:07

Kids need downtime after school, not more structured activity. Fair enough at weekends, but mine did nothing after school during the week as I realised that it was too stressful for them and me.

As for him bullying you into it, he's a prick. And you really need to start standing up for yourself. Parenting is a partnership, not a dictatorship.

ReluctantFishLady · 28/06/2023 09:07

I think you are absolutely right be concerned that they need days to properly rest and get in bed. I have similar age children and know how time is short at the end of the day with school, activities, homework, cooking a decent meal and getting them to bed on time. I would suspect some of these might be sliding if you are spending lots of time going here, there and everywhere.

The fear you have of your husband's reaction is the most troubling part of this scebario however. Do you just do whatever he says so as not to upset him? What would happen if you stood up to him? How could he make you feel guilty when you know you are acting in everyone's best interest? Sounds like you could probably use some help learning to assert yourself and have confidence in your own decisions. I know that can be quite a difficult thing to do however. If you know how he will react though, you can prepare yourself. And really if you are going to spend your entire relationship being scared of disagreeing with him, maybe you need to consider whether this is the life you want.

Appleblossompetal · 28/06/2023 09:09

Why can’t he do all the weekend activities even if he’s working late evenings in the week? Just say… no, that’s too much. In fact,
what they’re already doing is too much and I’m going to.m need them to drop something.

Appleblossompetal · 28/06/2023 09:12

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:57

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed.

WHAT?! This is not a healthy relationship. You’re they’re mum, not an au pair. You’re an adult. In a healthy adult relationship, there is no concept of “not allowed”.

3luckystars · 28/06/2023 09:13

Or you could just SAY you brought them to all the activities, meanwhile you are reading Mumsnet on how to make things more balanced or else leave.

GCalltheway · 28/06/2023 09:17

My friends son had a breakdown at school
during a rugby match, something snapped within him, it was so shocking to all of us parents as we were watching the match.he was carried off screaming. It was frightening. He was off school for months, and had extensive treatment for his mental health. He was ten. His timetable looked a lot like yours op, back to back activities every single day.

The worst thing was that the parents blamed him, and continued with the same timetable for his younger sister who looked like a bloated ghost with dark circles under her eyes and a heavy exhaustion. She always ate crap food on the go in the back of the car, never had a second to herself and barely spoke at school.

It felt to me like child abuse.

LatteLady · 28/06/2023 09:17

My sister's old boss was driving his eight year old son to Summer football camp, the DS was a little bit quiet, so the DF asked his DS what was up? His DS replied, "So, when do I get my holiday, dad?" This is the same, when do your children get their downtime and rest? Explain to your husband that children do not need to be constantly entertained as they need the time to rest and use their own imagination.

WitcheryDivine · 28/06/2023 09:20

The poor kids must be absolutely knackered, I remember insisting on doing two clubs after school for a while (both sports) and sometimes being so tired afterwards I couldn't even eat, and I was older than your elder one.

You need to close your ears to his whinging, if you can't justify doing it for your own good then think of your children's. He wants his 6 year old (I'm presuming the boy is older) to do 8 sports/activity clubs a week, his 4 year old to do 4 - as well as presumably an awful lot of hanging around waiting for her brother so she can't play or run around or go to bed.

Lord knows why he wants this for his children but you're the one there with them and so you are the only one who sees how they are, and how you are. The whole family must be wiped out because of an agenda driven by the person who isn't even there. I don't know what kind of driving job he does but if it's couriering or taxi driving those schedules are either self made or decided in advance.

I'd ask your kids to pick three favourite activities (between them) and just do those.

Peony654 · 28/06/2023 09:21

What do you mean, not allowed? Surely it's up to the kids if they want to go, but also the feasibility. Sounds like control. Assuming he's their dad, as you kept saying 'my son'. Up to two extra curricular per kid is plenty, they must be exhausted

Quiverer · 28/06/2023 09:23

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:59

He will go on and on and the guilt will be unreal. It’s awful

Honestly, you're both adults. If he goes on and on, tell him that there is simply no logic in his views - children do not need this level of activity, they do need downtime, you need and are entitled to time to revise, and you are not his slave. Tell him if he is not prepared to listen to your views then you don't have to listen to him ranting on, and walk away. You absolutely don't have to feel guilty, you are absolutely not the one who is letting your children down.

skyeisthelimit · 28/06/2023 09:24

Your D does not get to order you around and dictate what you do with your time. He can tut and sigh as much as he likes but you need to stand firm on this.

It is no good giving in for a quiet life as he just piles on more and more. That way he controls your time and the DC's.

Shut him down if he involves the DC. Ask the DC which is their favourite activity and do that one.

Just tell him what you are willing to do, and ignore the rest. Your DC are far too young to be doing so much as well.

Why does he want them to do so much if not to control you all, have you asked him? This will only get worse as they get older.

Keepitonthelow · 28/06/2023 09:24

If he tries to guilt trip you in front of the kids, say, ‘That’s right, mum won’t be taking you as we do plenty of activities and it’s good to have a rest.’ Or even just, ‘That’s right, mum won’t be taking you any more.’

Dillydollydingdong · 28/06/2023 09:24

Kids don't necessarily want to be out of the house doing activities all the time anyway. They need down time, watch a bit of TV, have friends over, play with their toys. They've been at school/nursery all day so they need to relax in their own home.

SerafinasGoose · 28/06/2023 09:25

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:57

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed.

You're a grown, autonomous adult. Of course you're 'allowed!'

If he were that anxious for his children to partake in this grueling schedule of non-stop extra-curricular activities, he could take them to at least 50% of these himself. In my house, when one of us has a pressing deadline or a task that's going to take up a good deal of time for a while - which includes finishing a degree - the other one picks up the slack until the need is passed.

The more important thing is what you think will happen if you say 'no'.

Spend some time with this question, and allow yourself to feel some of the discomfort its answers might provoke.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 28/06/2023 09:26

At 7.30am the OP acknowledges there are 'nuggets of good advice in this thread'.

its good that you accept that OP - in fact there are a lot more than nuggets but you have been so bullied and brainwashed by your controlling husband that you can't recognise the truth when it's spelled out to you.

Keep this thread and reread it every couple of weeks. Hopefully light will begin to dawn and you will begin to recognise that what you have accepted as normal is coercive control.

NerrSnerr · 28/06/2023 09:27

Does he work 7 days a week? If not why can't he do the activities on his day off?

What do your children want to do? Why is there so much football? Is it just one club?

Ylvamoon · 28/06/2023 09:28

Just keep one activity once a week for each child, drop the rest!
And you choose which ones work best for you.

Kids that age get tired quickly and sleep/ rest should be priority after school is finished.

RandomMusicLover · 28/06/2023 09:28

Honestly YANBU

My DC is 9, and does 2 activities a week, Cubs and 1 run by the school.

They have swimming lessons at the weekend but their dad (my ExH) takes them and pays for that.

FlamingoQueen · 28/06/2023 09:30

Children really need to learn how to entertain themselves as well. If my dh was forcing all of this on me- the only condition would be he does half of the work. Otherwise, it’s a no deal! My dc are quite happy in their own company and don’t need to be amused all the time. Stand firm and have a word with your dc. Do they actually want to be doing all this stuff or would they like to have a few evenings at home? It’s a lot for them.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 28/06/2023 09:31

He is an abusive arsehole. I bet he volunteers you for other shit you don't have time for as well.

GCalltheway · 28/06/2023 09:34

The children’s activities will be the tip of the iceberg.

Op, please consider counselling, and working out why you are struggling so much to be assertive.

TheaBrandt · 28/06/2023 09:35

A friend massively over scheduled hers at this age and now as a teen one has mental health issues and is struggling socially. I wonder if the poor kid never having time to herself to develop or knock around with other kids has contributed. You can over do it it’s not a case of “the more activities the better”