Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

a) you are their mother, not his servant
b) your life and career matter
c) that's a crazy amount of activities for a 4 & 6 year old - let them choose their favourite to keep doing and drop the rest

Unfortunately he sounds very controlling and unlikely to be reasonable.

My dds has a friend whose dad has always pushed him to do every sports club possible, but it's the mum who often has to take him and she rolls her eyes and grits her teeth but hates it. The boy does sports every single day after school AND both saturday and sunday. I mean, he's now great at different sports, but him and the mum are TIRED.

I tried my ds on hockey which he was loving but then the away matches required more than 2-4 hours travelling every single weekend, so gave that up. Now we just do Cubs on a Friday and it's plenty enough.

He’s a prick.

just say no. And ignore the emotional blackmail and abuse. Kids of 4&6 don’t need all of that-especially playing football 3x a week; is he hoping for a Jude Bellingham?

if he wants to sign them up for new things then either he has to take them or they drop something else.

The problem as you know is much bigger than your kids after school programme.

You talked about ‘being forced’ and ‘not allowed’ to decide what to do about their activities.

This indicates you are in a cohesive and abusive relationship.

I think the first thing to do is think about what the bigger issues are.

And then to think about whether there is any chance of improvement, or whether you need to make plans to separate.

I had a similar situation with my DH many years ago (my DC are grown up now). I'm going to offer a slightly different take on all the "he's abusive" commentary. I don't think your DH is abusive per se - he's a poor communicator and has little emotional intelligence. He is trying to get over what he wants - for the kids to do activities, and for you to take them - without perceiving the impact on either you or the kids.

I allowed this situation too, and like you I couldn't stand the guilt when my husband would try to shift blame to me by saying to the kids that any block to their desires (to do a club etc) was because mummy wouldn't let it happen. So I wore myself out making sure that I could cope with my work etc and still do everything for the kids.

It was only years later - and much too late - that I realised that the problem wasn't him, or not just him - it was me. At any point I could have grown a backbone, thought through what was best for the kids in terms of activities, and managed the schedule to achieve that without detriment to myself. And lived with the sarcastic comments that I am sure would have ensued (though I have no proof, so possibly I'm being unfair). But I didn't. And now I have huge regrets about the things I didn't do because I thought I was doing what DH wanted. But I never tried, so I have only myself to blame.

@Flopberry , there is a lot of good advice in this thread. Stop focusing on what your husband is doing/saying, and don't waste anger on thinking "he's a bastard" etc. He's not, necessarily - he's just doing what he thinks is right. You need to decide what you think is right and do it, calmly, knowing that the children will not have their development or opportunities severely impacted by not doing everything at this young age.

Don't be me. Good luck.

Your four year old must have a lot of stamina. Mine would be exhausted from all that. She goes swimming once a week and that’s it. I’ll sign her up to more when she’s older. My 7 year old does 3 clubs a week, but as they are more conventional boys sports, I tell my husband to take him.

Also, TELL HIM that conversations between parents about parenting take place out-of-hearing of the DCs. When with them, you present a united front and are always polite to each other.

That's a rule. A simple, normal rule. It's how decent people behave. You will not allow him to behave otherwise.

(Tell them 'Mummy and Daddy need to talk about this by ourselves, as we don't know if we can fit that in' and walk away).

Using them to manipulate you is despicable behaviour.

Children need time to rest and play they are not getting it he's not allowing them time for their own creativity that comes from unplanned I'm board time either.
He's also controlling you. Do you have an equal say in other things...financial, household decisions etc?

At 4 and 6 my children did precisely zero after school activities because it was too much running around for all of us and im
a SAHM

I agree. I think his communication is very poor and has always been. I think counselling would be the ideal way forward. Yes I agree also with the corker comment so need more backbone too.
there are nuggets of good advice within this thread.

Children need time to play.

Swimming is a life skill especially for those that live by water but other extra curriculars are not necessary but optional.

You are equally their parent and you can also decide what is in their and your best interest. If you can’t agree and that means you decide what happens on 3 days and he decides the other 3 days so be it

You both work and you are doing a nursing degree therefore you’re equal in time. He does not know what he is working until the day before therefore on his days where he has organised extra curriculars he can plan his work around taking his children to them and decline or adjust where needed

I’m sorry but forget the kid’s activities, the only thing I’d be dropping is this selfish, emotional blackmailer.
You’re supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

You don’t have an activities problem, you have a husband problem. Leave him and drop the crazy evening schedule and enjoy some down time with your kids!

Flip the narrative when he says this:

’Actually mummy takes you to x, y, z on this day, this day and this day. Daddy wants you to do this activity but he doesn’t want to take you. If you want to drop one of your current activities to try a new one it will clear one of the spaces where Mummy can take you’

There is no Daddy can’t take you. Daddy just doesn’t prioritise taking his children in his life and therefore doesn’t want too is the correct wording

Do they want to do all this? Why is your dh so insistent if he cba to take them? Are they similar to his interests? Most kids that age do one or two activities , mainly not on school nights. Do they stop in winter? When do the ds get to spend time at home relaxing?

Your husband doesn’t know his shift until the day before? Really? What sort of company operates like that? Are you sure he’s telling you the truth about that?

Blinkbonny, mothers shouldn"t have to be growing backbones to stand up to controlling partners, of course in this case she needs to say no, but ultimately the dh is the one at fault for creating this toxic situation

i USED to explode with rage when somebody tried to manipulate me. I think a better way to respond to manipulation is to say ''i feel like you're trying to manipulate me''. CALMLY. I didn't do that. I went bananas. It's a real trigger for me.

But realistically, your children don't need to do golf, tennis, football, and the other thing, I've forgotten!

I'd ditch the tiger parenting schedule and give your H some more practical responsibilities.

Agreed. I was also going to point out that not only is he emotionally abusing you, he is doing the same to your children. He needs to step up and be a decent dad or you should be thinking seriously about the next steps to protect your children. Please reach out to others as Billy has suggested. This is serious. Children only get one childhood and he is spoiling theirs.

Are your kids happy with all this? Sounds pretty hectic. I would limit to max one activity at day. I'd drop the park run too - or your DH can take them, assume he is home at the weekend?

OP stop being so passive, if he will be THAT awful about it then you've got much bigger problems than too many clubs. Put your foot down.

I relish the day women will grow a backbone and learn to say no, in addition put their careers first. As “His work has always come first”.

Golf of all things. You couldn’t make it up. He’s trying to train his son as young as possible to be a professional corporate lickspittle.

Tell him if he wants his son to turn into a salaryman before he’s even hit puberty that’s on him and he needs to sort.

How ridiculous.

Your children must be burnt out. Why not ask them if they want to drop one of them and do a home thing instead or something less structured? A movie night or you'll take them swimming once a week (but the time be unstructured so easier to manage)? I think your husband is an idiot but this way you get around any guilt trips if theyve requested it.

He will just lay on massive guilt trips or say stuff to my son like “mum doesn’t want to take you”
If my DH ever said something like that to me (and he has tried it on in the past), I would shoot straight back "and your Dad doesn't want to take you either", then he'd probably argue back that he's working, then I'd argue back "so am I" or "well change your work schedule then", and we'd basically have a massive argument, but I don't fucking care - I'm not having him thinking he can tell me what to do. And it works because after the argument, he doesn't try it on again.

Grow a backbone OP - argue back. He's using the guilt tripping thing because he sees it works.