Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

Your husband doesn't "allow you" to do anything. You're an autonomous adult woman who can make her own decisions. During this season of your life when you have academic commitments, you can't do a lot of activities. The children will survive, and over-scheduling can be stressful for children as well. Your children are young, and this is a lot of extra-curriculars.

Your husband is mentally abusing you. He is intentionally pushing you beyond your ability to cope as a control mechanism. He's keeping you too tired and overwhelmed to effectively oppose his diktats. Until you stop playing his game, he will always have another hoop for you to jump through. And another. And another.

You need counseling, lots of it, to get to the bottom of why you're allowing this.

Screw that. If my DH said something like that I'd say he can alter HIS life to take them or shut up. The passive aggressive comments to the kids are controlling and abusive.

Also, way too many activities for young kids, or imo, any age. Among my mid/upper primary aged DC age groups many kids can't entertain themselves or resolve conflict etc. because everything in their lives is so managed & structured. Some are, frankly, brats because they're so used to mummy & daddy running around after their pursuits & never saying no for their own sanity or needs.

Get rid of this abusive asshole.

Why are you allowing him to make your one & only precious life so utterly miserable???

I'd be inclined to tell him where to stick the golf clubs - has he organised scaled down clubs suitable for playing? Honestly, I'm outraged on your behalf. The most important thing is that you qualify. Just drop some activities and tell him that if he wanted his children to have these opportunities then he'd take them. Your children will probably not even remember most of these activities in a few years. I think our eldest forgot every word of French they learnt as a young child and both of them would be hard pressed to remember a single karate kata. But they will be aware if there mother is a qualified nurse or not.

When are these little kids supposed to have fun? No playing? No painting? No colouring in? What is supposed to happen when they start getting homework? Tell your DH it’s not happening or he is going to have to permanently arrange his schedule to include escorting his little puppets. Kids need wind-down time and so do their Mum.

You need to stop this nonsense. You are not a paid employee who can be given directions on what the children should be doing. You are their mother and you make decisions on what they do during their time with you.

Tell your husband HE can take them to whatever he wants at the weekend but you will be drastically cutting their commitments during the week when they are with you so you can actually spend time with them. If he has a problem with that, he needs to rearrange his work hours and take them himself. You have enough on your plate.

Your kids are only 4 and 6. At 4 they don't need to be doing after school activities. At 6 or 7
let them do 1 or 2 activities a week and both parents need to share the load of getting them to or from a local place. I know families who took turns brining kids to and from thing's one week X drove and the following week y drove.
A 6 year old doing golf is a stupid idea. What 6 year old wants to learn golf? Then it expensive for clubs, balls and membership. I know someone who let their child join golf after they played a few times but the child was 10/11 at the time and wanted to do this. The child is now in their late teens and still plays depending on how busy school is for them.

At the moment you need as much time as possible to study for your nursing exams, projects and not to be taking on any more. If your husband does not like it tell him that your to busy and if it's that important he can find the time to do this.
If he makes a smart comment in front of the kids just say well Mammy has a lot on so daddy can bring you and any how mammy has brought byou to a, b, c and what days you dis this.

My advice is to study hard, get your nursing qualifications and get work. Get some work experience and then do further training so you can work towards getting a better job, nicer hours and more money in time.
If your husband/partner continues to be a d* this will give you the option to a divorce later on.
The reality is that if you had a job tomorrow your husband would have to start picking up the load because you're not their.

Your kids are only 4 and 6. At 4 they don't need to be doing after school activities. At 6 or 7
let them do 1 or 2 activities a week and both parents need to share the load of getting them to or from a local place. I know families who took turns brining kids to and from thing's one week X drove and the following week y drove.
A 6 year old doing golf is a stupid idea. What 6 year old wants to learn golf? Then it expensive for clubs, balls and membership. I know someone who let their child join golf after they played a few times but the child was 10/11 at the time and wanted to do this. The child is now in their late teens and still plays depending on how busy school is for them.

At the moment you need as much time as possible to study for your nursing exams, projects and not to be taking on any more. If your husband does not like it tell him that your to busy and if it's that important he can find the time to do this.
If he makes a smart comment in front of the kids just say well Mammy has a lot on so daddy can bring you and any how mammy has brought byou to a, b, c and what days you dis this.

My advice is to study hard, get your nursing qualifications and get work. Get some work experience and then do further training so you can work towards getting a better job, nicer hours and more money in time.
If your husband/partner continues to be a d* this will give you the option to a divorce later on.
The reality is that if you had a job tomorrow your husband would have to start picking up the load because you're not their.

My husband, a very keen golfer, once organised one of our small children to "caddy" for him. He looked around and they'd just loped back to the clubhouse and later told him that they preferred games with more running around! Mind you he didn't try to get me to organise this for him.

He should not be involving the boys by saying things like "mummy doesn't want to take you". Does he want you to start telling them "Daddy can't be bothered to parent you"? Or "Daddy doesn't like Mummy and wants her to be sad"? No he doesn't. Point this out to him.

You don't dictate his timetable so he stay in his lane with dictating yours.

He sounds like a spoilt child who lacks the emotional maturity to be a generous husband or father.

He sounds a huffy sighing prick
What are with the DHs on this board. Stand up to him!

Sounds like he’s doing his best to sabotage your degree. You’ll be more financially independent once you graduate of course. Doesn’t sound like that’s something he’d enjoy since he currently acts like he has the last say in decision making. Easier to control someone who is exhausted and doesn’t have the options you will have once you graduate.

At what point did you sit down and agree that he is the boss of everyone? I bet there was no point that was discussed.

ridiculous. I have a friend who made herself sick trying to work 30hrs a week and take her kids to every activity going, just because their friends do x activity and she didn’t want them to miss out. Mine did one thing each, plus swimming. I work full time and their dad was always away working overseas and I wasn’t prepared to spend every evening sitting around in my car, all weathers waiting for them to finish, or in out, in out. Never mind adding on golf, reduce the others. They don’t need to do all those things

The kids need downtime as well as you.

They will never learn to cope with any degree of boredom if they are constantly stimulated, not will they learn to devise their own activities if every minute of their time is filled.

Poor little sods.

Tell your lazy arse of a husband that you are cutting back (ask the kids which they would prefer to drop - (or put the activities in a hat if there are arguments) and stop those activities.

For crying out loud - tell him the kids just need some peace, and you need to concentrate on your career. especially as you might end up leaving his selfish arse if he's like this all the time

Sounds like he’s doing his best to sabotage your degree. You’ll be more financially independent once you graduate of course.

Exactly what went through my mind as I posted just before.

He is using your guilt to manipulate you. I would just refuse to do it. As they get older, your children will increasingly side with you, because your DH is being a dick and they will see that.

My children do one thing each. That’s it.
if your husband wants your children to do activities then he can take them. You know what is happening here is very unbalanced don’t you? Has he just ground you down ?

That works both ways. He could get a job with more reliable hours and find the time to take them.

When abusive controlling men like your husband involve your children in their control and say "mummy won't take" or mummy doesn't want to do this for you" or "mummy doesn't like bringing you to X", that is your children being emotionally abused and weaponised by him.

It is abuse pure and simple.
He is confusing the children emotionally when he says that.

So not only is your husband abusing you, he is abusing your children.

This is very serious and you need to step up and protect you both.

Speak to Women's aid and your GP.

He is a shit husband and a shit father.

Reach out for support from family and friends because it only gets worse.

This is anything but a good man and you need to wake up to your reality.

Hear , hear @billy1966 .

This is emotional manipulation OP and it is an attempt to drive a wedge between you and your children as well as guilt trip you into doing what HE wants

When do they get to be kids and just play rather than being activated all the time

You are not allowed? WTAF??? You are an adult and you don't need his permission to do or not do things. Drop what ever ya want then tell him after the fact, if he thinks it's so important he can arrange his work round the activities he wants his kids to do.

And this is why guilt is a pointless emotion 99% of the time and I've no patience for fuckers who try to weaponise it.

Fuck the guilt, it's complete bollocks. This is ridiculous. He's just trying to avoid family life by keeping you all out of the house instead of going cycling himself. They're too young for that level of extracurricular activity, it's just exhausting everyone. It's in their interests to allow them some chill time.

Sounds unhealthy OP

Why are you with this selfish wanker? Tell him to put his family first or fuck off.