Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

There is nothing wrong with golf lessons at 6 if it's what a child wants to do. However the children already have other activities, possibly too many, and too many for the OP to reasonably cope with which is the point of the thread.

Do they get to run around with their friends? Or relax?

Drop the sessions lest agreeable and when he goes on and on stand firm and don't get into discussions. State once you’re doing this to prioritise yours and the kids life balance and it’s strange he doesn’t care about your well-being.

That’s just silly.

This is the example you’re setting for both your children, @Flopberry-

That adult women do as they’re told, and put in their place if they do not.
If you don’t behave, your husband badgers you until you do behave.

In front of your children.

I’d think about that if I were you.
I’d want my daughter to grow up with an example of a strong woman in her life, so that she would grow up to be a strong woman. One who refuses to take crap off a bully.
I’d want my son to see that treating women as “whipping boys” is inappropriate and disrespectful and that a strong woman does not put up with it.

But that’s just me.

At 4 yrs old, no classes or groups are necessary. For some children, an activity is good, but note that is one activity.
By 6, they are used to being in school all day and used to being a bit more independent of parents and they - through being older - can listen betters and concentrate for longer, so a couple of things makes sense for many dc.

However, that is if the parents can fit them in. It doesn't sound like he has chance during the week (but presumably could commit to something at the weekends), and it doesn't sound like you have time to be nursing, studying, parenting and housekeeping, so you don't have time to be ferrying them round all over the place at this time in your life.

Don't know where to start on him thinking he has to give his permission for you to make some parenting decisions.

I think you should bin the Monday and Tuesday football and Sunday Park run. You need balance and so do the children.

Christ on a bike, stop being such a fucking doormat. Sat no. He is not your boss ffs. You decide how to spend your time, why are you playing into this 1950s man of the house bullshit?

If he isn't available to take them to activities he has no say in the matter. End of conversation.

“Mummy doesn’t want to take you to golf, Bobby” “nor does Daddy, Bobby, but it’s great that mummy takes you to football, dance and acting, isn’t it.”

”I want him to go to golf” “you are 100% free to take him to golf, my love.”

”you are letting him down by not taking him to golf” “if that’s true, then you are also letting him down by not taking him to golf. Or football. Or dance. Or drama.”

”I don’t have time to take him to golf.” “Nor do I, darling.”

”my mum will take him to golf for us.” “Ok, that’s great. Just make sure you are home to coordinate it all with her each week.”

On repeat, over and over and over again.

You could just cancel the things you don’t want to do. What would really happen then?

Move this thread to the relationships board OP. There is a lot of really good advice and experience on there. Your husband is controlling and I agree with pp who said he is trying to sabotage your studies. Once you have a qualification and a job you will be able to make decisions about your future. At the moment he is gaslighting and bullying you to keep you exhausted and compliant.
Aside from that, those are far too many activities for such young children. They need some downtime. When do they play? Practice their reading? Have a story?

The words "not allowed" should not occur between a husband and wife. You are not in a good relationship. Focus on that for now and how you could change it/get out of it.

Also, your children are overscheduled. Nothing they do at age 4 or 6 will make a blind bit of difference to their happiness and success in life. I have three young adult "successful" children. nothing we did at 4 and 6 other than love them, talk to them, spend time with them and show them how to be a happy family made a blind bit of difference. Well I suppose they did take swimming lessons then - that was useful.

Tell you husband no. If he tries to guilt trip you via your 6 year old (and can that flag get any redder or wave any higher?) pull him aside and tell him he is seriously damaging his kids - because he is. You could say to ds "oh no daddy will take you" but is that really how you want to live your life and raise your kids?

You dh thinks he is in a ticking off exercise of "middle class accomplishments that will get them into oxbridge" and he has assigned you as the hired help to make it happen. Stop this right now. He is wrong and is being very very mean to you.

"I am not allowed". You are an adult. You do what you want.
Don't pay for the activities. Don't take the children.
If he wants the children to go he can leave work early.
If he organises his Mum to take them to golf, tell her no and take the kids out for ice cream instead. YOu'll soon find that when he is inconvenienced this all stops.

That’s bonkers. It’s not his choice. It’s far too much for such young children anyway. Put your foot down.

Okay for a start the Sunday park run could be stopped and your 'DH' can sort out Saturday activities. You have enough on your plate with your nursing op, he's an absolute control freak and a knob. Stay strong xx

You are also learning new skills through your studies. Why does he think that it is more urgent and vital for a 6yr old to start learning basic golf at this exact moment than for his wife to complete her graduate study? Which use of her time is going to benefit the family more and add more skills to the family?

Does he want your son to learn golf so he can hang around the golf course with all the other misogynistic dinosaurs when he grows up? Starting him early eh? OP, get the hell out of this marriage as fast as your legs will carry you.

Like fuck does he not know his shifts until the day before. Ridiculous.
It's just another tool to manipulate with. I bet you never get to do YOUR thing OP, as inevitably a "shift" pops up?

Tell him to fuck off. Controlling overbearing twat by the sounds of it.

you say that you're in the final year of your degree and that you're at the hardest part of it, does he know this? How supportive has he been of your further education and has he indicated support for you working once you qualify as a nurse? I ask these question as I wonder if he's trying to sabotage you and by piling on the pressure cause you to fail or give up?

And you respond with "Dad knows that Mum has to study to have a better career for the family. But I guess Dad doesn't want to take you, either".

If I were you I'd take a good long look at my marriage in its totality and ask myself if this is really the way I want to live for the next 30-40-50 years. It's not going to stop, you know. What he wants will always be more important than what you want and he will always expect you to pick up the slack.

You feel guilty because you are allowing him to make to feel guilty. Take back your power. Feel what YOU feel, not what he makes you feel. There is no need to feel guilty about wanting to improve your life. What you are doing will benefit the children in the long run, so if they don't get to do eleventy-million 'activities' during this time so be it. Personally, I think that's too much for children that age. It must be exhausting for them.

You KNOW that you are pursuing a goal that will enable you to be independent and do a job that will make you feel valued and that you are making a great contribution to society. Ask yourself why is he putting obstacles in your way? You need to have time to study and for the mental relaxation you need to do well in your studies and exams. If he was truly supportive of your desire to better yourself, he'd be supporting and facilitating. Instead he's loading you down with unnecessary 'chores'. Again, ask yourself why.

Absolutely not. No to golf, and if the rest is too tiring drop one. Drop it. Phone the places and say x wont be attending any more. If he registered them and wont unenrol them just say that’s a shame, seems expensive to pay for them to not go. Enjoy evenings at home doing normal things.
Reply to him when he goes off that if you loved them that much you’d do something for them. Every one else can pick one day a week and say they will be home at 5:30 to take ds to football and do that every week - it’s things like that that will help you to have a good relationship with them but it doesn’t seem like you want that.

if he says it in front of the dc say daddy’s being silly, he knows time at home relaxing with your family and doing family things even the ones like washing up and brushing teeth are the most important! Daddy knows that deep down.

and start thinking about an independent life. You are being bullied and controlled here, and it’s affecting your children. If he doesn’t love any of you enough to change, then you need to change what you can, which is removing you and your children. I suggest you regularly message to ask him to pick up a child from football or similar and then you have a record of him refusing to do much for them.

That's bonkers, and all that activity is totally wasted on them at their ages - it's actually bad for them to be so overscheduled.

Golf for a 6 year old indeed...

Put an end to the madness. Cancel their classes. Call all the places you schlep them to and tell them the kids won't be there again. Announce the decision to your H with arms folded across your bosom and the look of a woman who won't be messed with.

Finish your degree. Get a job!!!

Don't let your husband sabotage your career plans.

In future, when the subject of extra curricular activities comes up, sit your H down and tell him he has to take on half of the ferrying around.and sitting freezing on the sidelines.

Tell him to stop being a disrespectful twat.

This man sounds awful.

What precisely does he bring to your life?

That's a lot of stuff for that age! Mine maybe do that much now but they're a LOT older - and over the years I've become very picky about the timings and the locations. My DD is allowed to do Brownies and Cubs for example - but they're literally at the end of our cul de sac, cheap and no pressure if we want to miss a session. Middle one has to be driven to most of his activities but is old enough now to get public transport to some and we arrange lots of lift shares. Eldest drives! (oh the FREEDOM!).

Do your children actually want to do all these things every week? Could they perhaps move one of them to a holiday club activity if it's important for some reason - a week's summer school at a drama club will achieve a lot more than an hour after school at that age for example. That might help?

Thoroughly recommend getting any activity you can as physically close to your home as possible - it's the constant running around, stressing in traffic - and mentally working out how much time you'd have if you went home in between - that really messes with your head.

Finally - as they say in Mrs Doubtfire - they're your god damn kids too! You DO get a say. He can try guilt trips but if you drop one he can't stop you. And you can simply reply with "if you want them to go, you take them". Since he can't, he will eventually have to shut up. Make sure he takes them to any where he isn't working, weekends or whatever. If my DH told me to get my kids to parkrun on a weekend morning, I know what I'd say 😂

The children are awfully young for those afterschool activities. Your son can learn golf, for example, when he is middle-aged if he wants.

But your husband is obviously not interested in your welbeing and that is something you are going to have to accept and find a solution for.

Reply with

And daddy is such a wonderful parent he doesn’t ever want to take you to anything.

I don’t see why you will be forced to do anything.