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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

506 replies

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:50

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 27/06/2023 23:32

YABU to put up with this absolute nonsense because you're scared of your H moaning on & on. Your poor children - they must be shattered. Do you not realise the importance of downtime and family bonding time with children? I mean, your husband who wants you all out of his way and not under his feet clearly doesn't, but what's your excuse?

This whole situation sounds stupid. Even if you do qualify, how exactly are you going to manage working and dragging your children around to all these activities? He's not going to do it, is he? & Part of him constantly looking for things to do which involve you taking your children here and there + you hanging around waiting for them, is that he doesn't want you to have time to study.

Why women put themself on a mad never-ending treadmill for the sake of one man in this world I will never be able to fathom. In different form/fashion these stories are all over MN. Knackered woman doing everything, Mr Big Important Man does barely anything aside from his job.

If you can't put your foot down for yourself then do it for your children

Hugasauras · 27/06/2023 23:32

OP, in the kindest way, stop being a doormat. This is a ridiculous amount of stuff for two parents to manage, let alone one, at that age. Just say no. Let your husband complain and go on about it, just completely ignore it or just smile and agree with him. A couple of classes a week is more than enough for kids that age.

I think you have a massive DH problem but pending getting rid of the useless twat, this is a good first step.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/06/2023 23:33

Why? Status, for him, perhaps.

The other explanation would be wanting to give them a chance to try things, develop and enjoy becoming good at them when older - if they want to keep going.

If you're going to be good at football or dance you would start early. Acting and golf, not so much.

Hugasauras · 27/06/2023 23:34

For perspective, I have a 4yo and she does one casual football session for 45 mins on a Sat morning and that's it for evening/weekend commitments.

TreesandFish · 27/06/2023 23:34

"Not allowed"? Who does he think he is? Your dad????

Your schedule is ridiculous and not healthy for the children either. They need time to be at home and relax, just like anyone!

Somethingneedstochange78 · 27/06/2023 23:34

Does your son want to do the golf course? It's him that will be doing it not your husband. At 4 though he's a bit young. Ask the children what activities they really want to do. They need family time at home or to just go to the park/softplay etc.

PuppyMonkey · 27/06/2023 23:36

What a massive knob head. Get rid of DH and get a life OP.

Zonder · 27/06/2023 23:36

Poor kids. At this age I would feel guilty doing too much with them. When do they chill or play or have friends round?

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 27/06/2023 23:38

Tell him they are little kids not performing seals.

Too many activities are not good for them. How are they supposed to learn to entertain themselves if their days are so regimented?

Pick the two they like best and stick with those. There will be plenty of time to learn the others when they are older.

.

DepartureLounge · 27/06/2023 23:38

God, all three of you must be exhausted.

I bet he's one of these alpha-type doctors.

And yes, definitely trying to sabotage your career before it even begins.

Okshacky · 27/06/2023 23:41

One play date and one activity a week is more than enough. When do they get to spend any time at home or read???

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2023 23:41

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:59

He will go on and on and the guilt will be unreal. It’s awful

What are your plans OP, to get out of this controlling abusive relationship?

Iknowthis1 · 27/06/2023 23:43

Your kids are over scheduled. This is not in their best interest or yours.

MrsRandom123 · 27/06/2023 23:43

YANBU especially given the age of your kids.

mine are 8 & 12 & i currently do
Mon dancing & football (half hr overlap so drop one then the other then back to collect
tue army cadets (my oldest) which is a 9.45 pick up.
wed swimming lessons x2
Thu football
fri cadets.
sat dancing & football (again slight over lap)
& i find that a lot as always rushing about after school but i’m a sahm and my husband isn’t home til 7.30/8 (he’ll do a cadets pick up) so i wouldn’t be doing all that in your situation nevermind with the nursing workload you have on top of it. If he wants them to do so much then he has to pull his weight and take them to some

Brightbear · 27/06/2023 23:46

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2023 23:41

What are your plans OP, to get out of this controlling abusive relationship?

Show quote history

Agree with this

Quiverer · 27/06/2023 23:48

Your poor children. When do they get a chance just to chill out and wind down after school. Why all these frantic sporty activities? Your son certainly doesn't need to be doing football three times a week let alone golf.

You probably urgently need some counselling with a view to instilling some sense of basic reality into your husband. The children need time to relax, you certainly do. Why does his work always has to come first if he's the one that is so desperate for the children to do all these activities? Basically it seems to me perfectly simple; if the activity is worth doing, then it's worth him taking time off work to facilitate it. If he doesn't think it's worth that, then it doesn't happen. And you can explain to the kids that it is not because you don't want to take them, it is because (a) you can't take them and (b) Daddy thinks he's too big and important to take them.

billy1966 · 27/06/2023 23:48

"Not allowed" is the language of an abused woman with a controlling husband.

This is not normal.

Please call Womens aid for a chat.

I think youbwould be surprised and what they would say to you being so bullied and controlled by him.

Are you happy?

Do you feel loved and appreciated?

Do you feel you have any agency over your life?

Is he trying to mess up your studies?

Get your qualifications because it will give you financial independence.

SarahDippity · 27/06/2023 23:50

I’m exhausted for you. He is being piggy.

smooththecat · 27/06/2023 23:51

Since he’s clearly very important, he must earn enough money for a nanny to pick them up and schlep them around to activities for multiple hours everyday.

You can’t be treated like this, you’ll have to prioritise your study and stand up for yourself, particularly if no one else is going to do it.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 27/06/2023 23:53

This is madness!! He also sounds so abusive. You’re a responsible adult. You shouldn’t have to be ‘allowed’ to do anything!

RampantIvy · 27/06/2023 23:54

Just stop taking the children to all these activities. Don't discuss it, just stop.

It isn't healthy for children to not have any "me time". They need time to just "be".

ladycardamom · 27/06/2023 23:59

Nurses have to be very assertive, maybe adapt some communication methods you've learnt about at uni to tell your husband. I'm thinking SBAR and escalation through the PACE model. It's easily adapted if you think about it. S- I'm feeling all the activities are too much B- the children have activities x days and down time x days. A - I've noticed it's effecting me and kids these ways..... R I recommend ...... then if you need to escalate your communication use PACE. Rinse and repeat. When he guilt trips you tell kids mummy and you need a day off sometimes. That's true. Don't feel guilty.

VintageBlossomHill · 28/06/2023 00:00

Your poor kids must be exhausted too. I have three kids aged 7 -10. they don’t do half as much (most of it on Saturdays) and I think that’s more than enough.

Summerfun54321 · 28/06/2023 00:01

Not allowed

Do you mean not allowed to have a say in your child's schedule? Not allowed to have a say in your own schedule? Not allowed to voice your opinion? Not allowed equal say in your relationship?

Flatandhappy · 28/06/2023 00:04

This is coercive control, once someone says they “are not allowed” to do something alarm bells should be sounding. It sounds like he really doesn’t want you to graduate - he is making your life as difficult as possible in the hope that you will decide to give up. This may be intentional or not but once you have a good job he will be less likely to be able to control you. You might also have the financial means to walk away. Very common DV scenario unfortunately. Only you can decide whether or not you want to live your life like that.

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