Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

This is your problem.

Your husband is overly pushy.

Your children are FOUR and SIX this is too much for THEM never mind him.

YOU ARE ALLOWED. You have a voice. Use it. SAY NO.

Stop being a doormat and grow a backbone and tell your husband how it is.

Where is the equal parenting here... why can't he take some of the load?? I'd tell him your not taking them and that he'd better step up!! When you said you messaged him... either your not together or he works away?? Can you not share the load with other parents that also live by that go? You can return the favour another time or work it you take the kids one week and they take them the next.

Repeat after me.

"Stop being emotionally abusive. This is too much for all of this. The kids will not miss out. They are four and six".

If he doesn't quit, you need to seriously consider if this life is right for you and your children.

Its massively unhealthy.

That's nuts. It has to work for you all as a family. When they are older, if they start to take a serious interest in one of their hobbies the hours and the driving will probably ramp up, but at 4 and 6, playing in the garden, the park, at friends' houses will have as much benefit as taking part in an organised activity. Doesn't sound much fun for anyone. Is he trying to hot house them for something? We used to know a dad like this when ours were about that age, and his kids always looked exhausted and like they were going through the motions. He really wanted them to be better than everyone else and it piled on the pressure and sucked out all the joy for them I think.

Are the football sessions all for same club ? Obvs they have a training session and a match but why 3 sessions I’d drop the out of town one if possible, also say Sunday day off for you and the kids .. if he insists then he can take over sat/Sunday .. he cannot work 7 days a week surely. Your children are very young they ll be tired too if they doing too much.

Well park run can go for a start.
Why so much football at age 6? Is he in a team? Could you find a local club?

I agree. I think his communication is very poor and has always been.

Oh he communicates what he wants all he wants very well, and repeatedly, repeatedly it seems.

You need to improve you're communication because you're saying how you feel and then ending up doing something else.

Who made him God?

Say no to him on repeat OP when you feel it, and mean it, and do it, don't back down.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

Him saying negative stuff to your children about you is abusive to you all.

This sounds like a controlling relationship at best, abusive at worst. This is not normal in any kind of healthy partnership. He should be supporting you in your studying and lightening the load as much as he possibly can. Not adding to your list of things to do. You are absolutely right in wanting to drop things and make your life simpler. Are you happy in the relationship? If not, do you think counselling might help? If he won’t engage with that, I’d suggest thinking about how you might be able to get out.

I think the focus on the kids schedule by everyone is kinda irrelevant. For a 4 year old if they’re not doing huge amounts during the day (assuming pre-school) then the amount of activities isn’t too much. The 6 year old seems a lot given he has school, but again different kids cope with different amounts of extra curricular.

the real focus and concern is that YOU are struggling. If you weren’t doing your nursing qualifications and having to juggle two kids diaries on your own, and were happy with the arrangement it would be different.

However you’re feelings are being ignored and in quite a major way.

kids don’t need golf and acting (or even football!). They need a happy mum.

my own son (finishing Yr1):

Monday and Tuesday - after school club

Wednesday - nothing

Thursday - beavers (2 weeks in). Starts 515pm though, so downtime beforehand.

Friday - cricket (8 week course, last one tomorrow) (5-6pm).

Saturday - swimming and football (if he fancies it)

The only one I won’t compromise on is swimming as that’s a life skill. The rest he does for fun. He loves cricket and is gutted that course is ending. He however is loving beavers.

He doesn’t ‘need’ football, so if tired after swimming or he just wants to relax we do that and play it by ear.

Typically it’s me who does most of the clubs, not because husband won’t , but because I love going. Husband always comes to cricket because he really enjoys playing with him.

Neither of us would dream of forcing our son or each other to do any of this.

You need to question why he’s behaving this way and being quite so controlling.

sorry but at 4&6 2 activities a week are more than enough. Even the kids i suspect are exhausted. I would drop acting and tennis at that age. Dancing and footy enough but footy once a week max

At that age I don't think kids are that bothered about activities- they're still doing and seeing something new every day without even having to go to 'activities' much to find it.

Personally I'm a fan of extracurricular activities and my 4yo DD does loads, but we stick to fairly local stuff and I'm a sahm so I'm not trying to do studying and shift work on top! I think with your nursing you need to cut back on them or insist on an after school nanny to take them, I can't see how it could logistically work with nursing shifts and 2 dc once you've finished studying. Most of my DD's activities are at her school so it gives me more of a break before picking her up, so you could look at what's on offer at school, or even switching to a school with better extracurriculars on offer. DH does 2 weekend classes with DD - one is a parent+child class so a nice bonding time as well as fun for DD.

Sorry, haven’t rtft, but I’m baffled. How is any of this possible during a nursing degree? What do you do while on placement?! You can’t just run off to take your kids to their activities. What child care do you have in place? How do you see this working once you are qualified and have a job?

Children can be exhausted by too many activities. Two is supposed to be an adequate number per child.

Someone may have already suggested this but why not ask your ds what he wants to do, but phrase it in an either/or fashion e.g. "you can start golf but you'll need to give up dance/drama/a football session a week" and see what he says.
My niece goes to club after club and wanted to start gymnastics so she was asked to choose which one to give up in place and soon realised she'd rather keep doing what she's doing. They need that downtime, particularly at 4 and 6.

If his dad is so desperate for him to do it (which sounds a whole lot like he's projecting his dreams on to your kid!), then I'd play him at the same game and say to your ds "you can go if your dad takes you but as I already take you to lots of clubs and have to work too, I can't squeeze any more in". Dad sounds like a dick BTW.

I felt exhausted just reading that

Lots of people talking about the activities and not the clearly abusive relationship. Why isn't he doing these tasks? How on earth could he force you?

Your wording speaks volumes. "Not allowed to drop things". That's madness. Why does he get to dictate without doing any of the work?

Bizarre.

I'd be dropping either Football or acting classes as well as the park run. Dancing and tennis for both is more than enough right now.

Speak up - when he tries to guilt trip. Tell your son mum can't do any more and dad doesn't help.

You say you are “not allowed “ to not do things.
You are an adult. You are allowed to do what you want and don’t do what you don’t want!
Why on earth don’t you tell him to fuck off with his demands?

Honestly by Monday I thought that’s enough. This is madness.

Bloody hell. That is crazy. Children do far too much today! they need downtime. At that age, school is enough! When they get a little older, then one or two hours of activity a week is plenty. Ask him where his research is that keeping busy over downtime is best for brain development in children? Also tot up the costs (Inc petrol) and the time commitment upon you and the children each week. He sounds as though he hasn't got a clue to be honest.

Absolutely crazy, far too much for your very young dc never mind you. I had a three activity rule with dd, if she wanted to do a fourth activity she had to drop one, off I'd had more dc it would probably have been two activities.

Whys he not doing this? It's totally ridiculous. I get that people don't want to miss out but they're babies, they don't know what they like or don't like. It's just as important to teach children how to cope with too many choices. Each child should pick one, stick with it for a year before they're allowed to swap, etc

Is he a brain surgeon or what is he doing that's so important that he can't take his kids to their activities?