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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

506 replies

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:50

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

OP posts:
luckylavender · 28/06/2023 15:28

You messaged him? Can't you talk face to face?

Persiana · 28/06/2023 15:31

A four year old absolutely does NOT need golf lessons. Neither of them need any of the others. I would say swimming is the only thing that is a life skill I would make an effort to do. Anything else is optional. He sounds like a bossy unpleasant husband

Tootsweets84 · 28/06/2023 15:42

Your poor children must be exhausted! That's far too many clubs at their ages. Mine do Beavers on a Thursday and that's it. I'd like to get them swimming soon, but won't be adding anything else. Your husband sounds completely ignorant. More clubs does not equal better parenting. More quality family time together would be infinitely better for them

MsRosley · 28/06/2023 15:54

billy1966 · 28/06/2023 10:09

He never knows what his schedule is for the next day for his big important job?

Bullshit

He just likes not having to ever be responsible for anything to do with his family.

He dictates your day and controls you all from afar.

So abusive and coercive.

Coercive control is a crime.

You are afraid of him.

Your poor children.

Yup.

MeridaBrave · 28/06/2023 16:00

At that age my kids did 2 activities and I thought that was loads. Swimming, was 2 classes one after the other (and I could get into the pool so they both had 30 mins lessons and 30 mins with me). DD did ballet and DS did gymnastics. Later DS switched to football and marital arts.

Sounds abusive.

Temporaryanonymity · 28/06/2023 16:04

Every now and again a thread comes along to remind me I brilliant it is to be a single parent.

BelperLawnmower · 28/06/2023 16:06

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:50

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

Exhausting for all concerned. Let him go on golf lessons and dance classes and fucking trombone competitions. Stay at home with the kids and do something you all enjoy.

Bitchesbelike · 28/06/2023 16:19

Stop this. You are allowed to stop these activities.

this man is not your boss.

Sunshineishere1988 · 28/06/2023 16:24

Thats insane! Are they not allowed down time after a busy day at school? A chance to play with their toys, relax, watch tv, read, play in the garden etc? Spend time with you? 2 a week is more than enough (if they really want to go to them). Poor kids is all I can say!

EvilLynz26 · 28/06/2023 16:24

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:57

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed.

This comment worries me, OP, it sounds very much like a coercive or abusive relationship.

WinchSparkle80 · 28/06/2023 16:27

Different perspective but my parents had me at different clubs every night and during weekends and most the time I hated them for it. I just wanted to rest and watch tv sometimes…..

He should be organising and that includes his share of taking them there and back.

Sunshineishere1988 · 28/06/2023 16:28

Tootsweets84 · 28/06/2023 15:42

Your poor children must be exhausted! That's far too many clubs at their ages. Mine do Beavers on a Thursday and that's it. I'd like to get them swimming soon, but won't be adding anything else. Your husband sounds completely ignorant. More clubs does not equal better parenting. More quality family time together would be infinitely better for them

Agree-only swimming at that age and not they were exhausted afterwards after a busy day at school as well. I feel so sorry for the poor kids. They will have worked hard at school all day, run round with their friends, been on school trips etc and probably just want to relax at home with Mum or Dad. Very sad that anyone would make their 4 and 6 year old do this schedule. The Dad sounds like a bully.

TiredandHungry19 · 28/06/2023 16:30

That schedule is absolutely insane and that's before you even mention that you're a student nurse - your husband is being a complete twat expecting you to do all this ferrying about! Put your foot down

lieselotte · 28/06/2023 16:33

Just coming back to this because I remembered that when my son was small the headteacher at his infants school frowned on out of school activities, saying school was enough in YR. Obviously not all kids are the same, but she probably had a point.

My ds did swimming from the summer term of YR and then football once a week from the summer of that year.

Mumtothreegirlies · 28/06/2023 16:41

Tell him to shove it up his backside.
this ridiculous extra curricular pressure for children is a big bug bare of mine.
a once a week activity twice a week at most is plenty enough. Unless your son is going to be tiger woods I really wouldn’t bother.
Is your husband a narcissist by any chance?
I find parents who force their kids into things like this are often narcs who see their kids as extensions of themselves rather then their own people. Stand up for yourself and tell him absolutely no way!!

hot2trotter · 28/06/2023 16:43

Feel massively sorry for the children. I bet they are exhausted. Far too much going on after school, its cruel. They need down time and to feel like they are actually wanted at home!

Catsanfan · 28/06/2023 16:43

Not allowed?! Is it 1920?! Tell him to fuck off!

sweetdreamstenasee · 28/06/2023 16:48

This thread reminds me of a friend of mine at school who’s Dad forced her to do extra activities every day after school, gsce time if that makes a difference. Tennis, piano, fitness, extra tutors ( she didn’t need them she was already getting very good grades) acting. She was so so desperately unhappy. I’m not saying that’s the case with your kids but it might be worth asking them what they want to do and which they can let go of.

padsi1975 · 28/06/2023 16:48

DO NOT fall for the guilt trip! That's a trap of his but you don't have to step into it. My dh wanted me to take kids to rugby on a Sunday. For my own particular reasons I did not want to. So I said no. He was raging but I didn't care. I had my reasons, whether he liked them or not was his problem. He got over it. Do not feel guilty. You're an adult, you get to decide what's appropriate for your schedule. If he makes snarky comments in front of your kids, tell him you know what he's doing and it must stop. Ask him if he'd like you to say 'and Daddy doesn't want to take you because he thinks work is more important and I'm the unpaid help'. Also point out that you'd never say such a thing as it would hurt the children's feelings so much. Why does he want to say hurtful things to his children, instead of discussing in private and then accepting and respecting your decision? Does he enjoy discounting and disrespecting your decisions? If so, he should keep that to himself as you're not interested in playing that game and leave the kids out of it.

omgsally · 28/06/2023 16:50

Op, I hope you're OK reading all this. It can be quite overwhelming to get this kind of response. What do you mean by not allowed? Does he huff and puff/sulk/nag you? If he does, then yes, toughening up and standing your ground is needed. Or is it more? Threats, aggression etc. If its more, then you have a much bigger problem.

ImSoShiney · 28/06/2023 16:52

LTB

7eleven · 28/06/2023 17:10

Stand up for your children and cut what they do in half.

Really do. It’s far, far too much.

Catpuss66 · 28/06/2023 17:15

Have you ever thought he is doing this so you fail your nursing? He has probably had you running to his every whim, you becoming less reliant on him financially might make him feel less in control therefore he is giving you so many things to juggle. when a man that wants his partner to succeed would take some of this responsibility off his partner not add more. Sure women's aid have some online info that may help gain a different perspective on your relationship.

Manthide · 28/06/2023 17:23

Pallisers · 28/06/2023 00:20

The words "not allowed" should not occur between a husband and wife. You are not in a good relationship. Focus on that for now and how you could change it/get out of it.

Also, your children are overscheduled. Nothing they do at age 4 or 6 will make a blind bit of difference to their happiness and success in life. I have three young adult "successful" children. nothing we did at 4 and 6 other than love them, talk to them, spend time with them and show them how to be a happy family made a blind bit of difference. Well I suppose they did take swimming lessons then - that was useful.

Tell you husband no. If he tries to guilt trip you via your 6 year old (and can that flag get any redder or wave any higher?) pull him aside and tell him he is seriously damaging his kids - because he is. You could say to ds "oh no daddy will take you" but is that really how you want to live your life and raise your kids?

You dh thinks he is in a ticking off exercise of "middle class accomplishments that will get them into oxbridge" and he has assigned you as the hired help to make it happen. Stop this right now. He is wrong and is being very very mean to you.

My eldest two went to Cambridge ( medicine and engineering) on a full bursary and at the time, maintenance loan. They did no clubs until they reached senior school and even then I think they only did ballroom and Latin dancing. (Dd2 has been in the World Championships 3 times). They did take violin and cello lessons during school hours from age 7. They both have great imaginations and are never bored.

KiFly · 28/06/2023 17:26

You are correct OP.
IMO this is too many activities in addition to school and homework.
Do your children even WANT to do all these activities, or are they chosen by Dad?
Also, they must be going to bed rather late a few times a week. Are they showing signs of being overtired: trouble sleeping, frustration, etc. ?
Personally, I think a good balance at those ages is 2 or 3 after-school days with no activities at all, and no more than 2 clubs at the week-end.