Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

Goodness, I'd cancel most of that and focus on my full-time/condensed degree until it is finished. One class a week each, preferably together, would be fine. Even none would be fine at a critical point.

I suspect that Big Important Man either hasn't got a clue what either a nursing or full care parenting involves (and doesn't want to know because it's all women's work) or he's setting you up to fail, consciously or otherwise, and be dependent upon and a skivvy to him.

I'd be working on ditching him. Which is perhaps what you ARE doing? How is the childcare going to work once you are qualified, since he never does anything with regard to that and (deliberately) doesn't know his schedule in advance?

Btw I know lots of people with Big Important Jobs (men and women) who aren't like this, and use the fact that they do run the show to actually get more flexibility in taking Jonny to football once a week and Jenny to nursery most mornings. Or at the very least they appreciate and support what the partner is doing while they do genuinely work ridiculously long hours.

I'd agree about it looking like child abuse. I have a bit to do with horses, some parents are so pushy and demanding of their kids it is unbelievable. It would be regarded as unacceptable bullying if a teacher did exactly the same. It ruins the kids' enjoyment, and for some of them, pushes them too far from their comfort zone into places where they are just scared and lose confidence. I saw one kid in tears at a competition who clearly didn't want to compete- the parents were telling the kid off and saying 'we have spent all this money, you have to'. What a stupid reason for forcing a child to do anything.

I know some with similar issues. Major anxiety and not good at integrating with other kids in an informal setting. Kids learn so much by unstructured play with friends it is sad when those opportunities are taken away from them.

Years ago I read a study claiming that children who were heavily hothoused with pressure to achieve had similar levels of stress to those living in dysfunctional/abusive homes.

With after school activities, we found the best ones were those that were easy for the children to do. For example, the local football club (widened their friendship group at school as other pupils there, including older ones who ended up looking out for them a bit in the playground), after school clubs which did not involve a commute, etc.

He is trying to run you into the ground.

If you feel unable to say no to what "husband expects.." because you fear his reaction or it's not worth the punishment then you are being controlled.
Keep your head in the game with your qualification, because you will need your own career when you leave this prick, and I sincerely hope that you do. I have been where you are, it is real, it is happening, as mad as it seems. It is not you. Head down, guard yourself, get help from people who will believe you, and get out. This is not how you have to spend your life.

Yep. Like those blokes on the train in the early days of mobile phones who were 'doing deals' and 'checking in' to work very loudly (often you could tell they were completley pissing off the people they were talking at just by listening to one side of the conversation). A serious buisnessman once said that that sort of behaviour just proved they were low down the pecking order and/or completely disorganised or lousy bosses, as an efficient senior exec in a well-run company doesn't want or need to be in frequent contact when travelling.

Do not take a 9to5 community post. That’s an end of career job, not for a newly qualified nurse. It’s a waste of your hard earned degree. You should aim to do a position that will enhance your career, where you will get the experience to forward yourself and your potential earnings. Your partner doesn’t want you bettering yourself does he!

Your DH treats you as his house servant, you "have to" follow his orders and "aren't allowed" to object. You also have to work, study, do all the childcare and drudge work. Your children are also subject to his iron rule and he favours your son over your daughter. And he's lying about not knowing his work hours in advance.

You need to have a VERY strong word with him. If that doesn't work (I don't think it will), then divorce him. You and your children will be so much happier.

Do the kids really want to do acting, dancing, football, tennis, golf and park run and never have free play or see their friends? I guess they don't know anything else but I'm tired from just reading it.

To which you respond "and neither does Dad"

If he is that intent on all the extra activities he needs to step up and ensure they are viable

Stay in with some paper and pens. Tell DH they are doing art class. Relax.

Yikes. My almost 4 and almost 6 year olds would break at that schedule.

They only do extra curricular at the weekend (oldest goes to a footbal club) but they do go to wrap around care from 7.45 to 4.30/5ish.

I want to start swimming lessons and a dance club for the youngest but I'm worried I will literally drag them to the rink of exhaustion.

It's far too much. Absolutely ridiculous. The kids will be worn out.
The park run can get ditched for a start. The golf doesn't even get started.
Football should be once a week at this age. That's far too much.
I think they should do one activity each and one activity which they do together, so 3 activities in total. That is more than enough.

Your DH is an absolute controlling wanker and you really need to think carefully about how things are going to progress when you qualify as a nurse because I can bet now that he will be kicking off all the time about your shifts and so on.

It's easy for us to tell you to tell him to fuck off because we don't have to live with him.
But turn the guilt trip back on him every single time. "Daddy doesn't want to take you either".
Cancel some of the activities. If he wants them to go then he will need to organize his work schedule so he can take them.

He's a prick and I'd leave him.

@Flopberry I'm not going to comment on the schedule, that is the lesser issue.

The huge red flag is "not allowed" and the feelings you will have if you don't do what he wants. This is very concerning and part of a much bigger problem.

Please talk to a safe person about your experiences and how you are feeling. This is not okay.

Using your kids to control you is not ok.

Counselling for you alone
Do not go to counselling with a bully

He sounds like a manipulative, emotionally abusive dickhead.

Get rid.

Kids need time to relax and you need downtime too!

You need to tell him firmly that you aren't planning to take them to so many activities going forward, because in your opinion - which counts as much as his - it is not in their best interests to be so overscheduled and because you do not have the capacity to facilitate it either. If he disagrees with your judgement, then you're happy to discuss what would be a reasonable balance for the kids but he would need to adjust his work schedule to facilitate any activities that are beyond your current capacity.

And if he starts telling your kids that they aren't going to activities because mummy doesn't want to take them, just laugh it off and say don't be silly, daddy knows that it's just because mummy wants you to have plenty of time to play and relax. Why don't you choose which activities are your favourites and then we can concentrate on them while still making sure that you have plenty of time to play.

As for not being allowed to decide how you spend your time with your children, fuck that. He doesn't get to dictate.

What absolute rubbish - we have had loads of newly qualified nurses come into community settings - rapid response, district nursing, crisis team, community mental health teams - all of which need highly skilled staff who can work at pace and with high levels of risk.

OP - A community job though is rarely 9-5 so you will need to think about that when you apply. Our rapid response teams work shifts and our community nurses work 8-6 (4days a week) with evening district nursing support.

My last comment was for @Throwncrumbs

What 4 year old needs acting classes?!

One whose father is desperate to run their mother into the ground and exhaust her.

Quite, and why might that serve him better? If she is broken, exhausted and unable to fight for her own voice in this toxic family?

Echo this, do not enter into joint or couples counselling, this relationship is not a suitable candidate for that, at all.

Go yourself, absolutely. It would be really beneficial for you solo.

Because then she wont get her degree and her job and be in a position to leave him

Because he can break her and say no one else will put up with you like this /i pay the bills/ etc