Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

You are in an abusive relationship and he is trying to sabotage your training.

Bloody hell, who made him dictator? How can he force you to do things?
You realise he’s arranging all this and his work times so he doesn’t do any parenting and it all falls to you ?
Tell him it stops now, you concentrate on your degree ( maybe he’s trying to sabotage this as it’ll be a way out if the marriage for you) And YOU choose what the kids do after school.

No to golf
Ditch Sunday park run
Ditch acting class

Block out his moaning, don't acknowledge him.
If he's so determined they 'need' to do these things he needs to find a way to take them

Give your husband fair warning that in the future when he says things to the kids to indicate that you are lazy or doesn't care about them, reply: "Daddy wants mum to do chores every waking hour because daddy loves being mean to mummy. Daddy wants mum to get ill. Daddy wants mum to be unhappy ".
Two can play that game.
And as far as him not allowing this or that... If he doesn't participate in the chore he doesn't get to dictate how it is done. Your husband needs to spend more time alone with your children and he needs to start pulling his weight. They are his children too.

OP how is this a relationship? You’re not a family! Awful- particularly your own resignation.

No, please don’t bring the children into this. He will just escalate it to ‘mummy is the mean one, mummy doesn’t want you to do all the things you love, mummy can’t be bothered taking you anywhere, etc’. They will be stuck in the middle of the abuse.

Just leave. You know eventually this bullying will turn on to the children. They will inevitably start to burn out once in school full time and start to say no themselves at which point all the things he’s saying to you will be said to them. He’s setting everyone up to fail as control freaks and narcs always do.

Are they his children, too? Only you talking about 'my son' etc a lot.

This is nuts for a 4 and 6 year old - and I say that as someone with a child with a very full-on extra curricular timetable.

Swap the acting and dance classes for one weekend MT class where they cover acting, dance and singing in one session, and cut the football down to once a week - twice max.

Golf is fine for a holiday club, but not to add the a weekly schedule.

Once the kids are older and it's led by them, then fine... add some more if finances and scheduling allow, but your husband is being completely mad expecting you to do all of this. If he dictates, then up to him to facilitate.

sorry op this sounds like a difficult situation. There is no way your kids need to do that much. But more to the pointt forcing you to take them here there and everywhere is completely unacceptable.

For context my kids are a bit older and yes I've done a fair amount of shuttling them to and forth but they are not nearly as busy as yours. I am quite insistent on fitting in my own extra curricular activities in the weekly schedule too. However the taxying has been done by both of us, I probably do slightly more as I work p-t however he has done around 40% of the ferrying over the years and has certainly never pressed it as being my responsibility.

I think you have two choices.

1. leave him (admit that's not straightforward)
2. grow a backbone, cancel some of the activities, refuse to take on more, and tell him how it is.

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed

People are not allowed to do lots of things like shop lift, murder, park on a double yellow line. But people still do these things and when caught they get community service, prison or a fine.

What is your “punishment” if you do something you are not allowed to do.

If it is him haranguing you for not doing as you are told then divorce so you don’t have to listen to it

This doesn’t sound like a relationship of equals but more of Company Director and office assistant.

He issues instructions to make things happen and you toe the line or you get fired.

I think there are serious problems in your marriage once you start saying you are not allowed to not do something you don’t want to do.

FFS they are 4 and 6 when do they actually get time on their own to play make believe and just lie around and relax. absolutely bonkers competitive parenting that leaves kids exhausted and unable to just be.

Yeah that’s too much, OP. My 7 year old does 4 extracurriculars, but three of those are very low-commitment ‘show up and have fun for an hour/week’ things that we can skip if she’s tired (or if I’m tired). One is on a Saturday when DH can take her, and we carpool with the neighbors for one, which cuts down on the shuttling back and forth.

I’d tell your husband that you need to drop something if you are taking on something else, otherwise he needs to take on the responsibility for getting the kids to/from lessons.

What do your kids say? Are they actually really wanting to do all these things? I’d sit down with them to see which of these they actually want to continue doing.

Our policy is only one intensive extracurricular each year. DD is welcome to sign up to try whatever else might catch her interest that year, but it needs to be low-commitment and school-adjacent. For my daughter, her intensive is music. She plays an instrument which entails daily practice, weekly music theory classes, weekly lessons, occasional performances, and (when she gets older) ensembles. She loves it, but it’s more than enough activity in the week just on its own, so everything else she does needs to be chilled out and low-commitment.

We drop everything structured, instrument lessons included, over the summer. She absolutely needs those two months to recharge, rest, and experience boredom.

I'd recommend speaking to a counsellor attached to uni - it'll be free and if your uni works suffers due to home life the counsellor can support you with this. This would be my frist course of action, plus womens aid.

Discuss with your children which actiivites they like the most and do just do these.

If your DH gets stroppy let him, ignore him and move forward. It'll help build up the resilience required in nursing.

He's getting ready to make you feel terrible about starting your new nursing career which he knows means that something will have to give for him. You're already considering limiting your career options by saying you'll have to look at community roles. I really feel for you but you have to stand your ground now otherwise you'll find it more and more difficult to claim it back.

He never knows what his schedule is for the next day for his big important job?

Bullshit

He just likes not having to ever be responsible for anything to do with his family.

He dictates your day and controls you all from afar.

So abusive and coercive.

Coercive control is a crime.

You are afraid of him.

Your poor children.

Don't say no to the golf. If he takes them or arranges for somebody else to take them fine. He isnt your boss.

YANBU. If he’s signing them up to all this he should take him. And if he isn’t going to take him then the activities will need to drop to a more manageable level.

If your DC are only 6 and 4 they’re probably exhausted with this on top of a school day, and the 6 year old needs to leave time for homework. Also you can’t be expected to run yourself ragged when you’re already nursing!

That’s far too much stuff going on for such young children. Mine did no more than one after school activity a week which got dropped by about 12yrs old. Kids really don’t need all that extra curricular stuff but some middle class parents seem to think they must do a million activities in order to be successful in life. 🙄

OP, the ‘not allowed’ is a massive red flag here. This is the problem you need to focus on resolving, not the amount of after school activities.

You need to sit down with him and tell him it’s not working for you currently and that you need to make changes. Explain about how you’re feeling overwhelmed etc. and tell him you want to drop down to a maximum of 2 after school activities.

If he’s unwilling to consider any changes, you have to look into your options going forwards. Take some control back and stop letting another person run your life. This is not a healthy relationship and is also harming your children as well as yourself.

How is he supporting you with your degree OP? What will happen if you can't get a 9-5 community job?

Tell him to shut the fuck up and if he wants them to go he can take them - that is far to much activity the kids must be knackered too! I am sorry you need to stand your ground and don’t give into the guilt! He is being a total idiot I am afraid, this is bullying and dickish behaviour!

Just cancel the activity.

How much housework does he do to support his family?

Yes I’ve heard of a primary school child in a similar situation. Burst into tears at school as he had activities every night and no downtime. It’s awful

With that schedule at those ages your husband is the one making the kids 'miss out' - on socialising and learning to unwind.

Swimming is the most important extra curricular activity and well worth doing a lot of to be safe in the water. So much more important than golf as a skill to learn when young.

A bit of football is useful when young to have basic skills in place when lessons start at school, but if the kids want to they will push to do more when older/play a lot with friends at the local pitch (I did sport to a high level, so not anti-coaching at all).

If I was still living in a flat I would do more after school activities, to be outside and away from screens. In a house with a garden they get lots of exercise and can easily have friends over to kick a ball around if they want to.

Allowed?
I don't like the sound of that.
What are you thinking he would do if you just said, 'No, I am not doing that'?

Studies have shown that it’s actually so important for children to have unstructured play time - not just for fun but it’s part of their development. They learn problem solving skills, independence, collaboration etc - so much key development happens through play. If they are timetabled every minute this allows no room for this kind of development. It’s not a case of your children missing out if you drop some of the activities. You can tell your husband that they are missing out at the moment precisely because of the activities!