AIBU to not need "the village"?

[holycannaloni]

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

TBH,
You don't need to build a village if you can afford to pay for your village.

It's a comfortable place to be.

I can say that as someone who both didn't have a village with my first, and had no chance of paying for the services I could have done with to make raising a family easier and also as someone who has a village at my disposal and chooses to pay for the services I require instead of relying on people outside of my marriage and eldest (who falls over herself to earn the money that I'd pay for a babysitter on the times I need one!)

There is a vast difference between paid help, and help that is freely given by someone who wants to be in you and your child's life though.

Phrase is a remnant of a time when local communities were closer. I can get maudlin about that as well but then again I have gotten to know a good few of my neighbours and some of them are cranky ghouls

I think certain people are more self sufficient than others. I've always been very self sufficient, my Mum was the same. I've also never actively seeked out a "village", mainly cus it just didn't occur to me do so.

But then my son got diagnosed with Leukaemia. It was then the importance of having people you can call on become so important. Neither of our parents are nearby, but initially we got them to come up for a few days. After that we reached out to the school parents we knew, as we really needed help with our youngest. It was so lovely how many people stepped up to help us, and now as a result of this, we have a lovely bunch of families near us who we can rely on to help with childcare etc. And you know what, it's bloody lovely.

So yes, I have also never needed any help in that regard. But it's so nice to have it now.

So is your point that you don't understand people wanting extended family heavily involved in their children's lives?

I perfectly understand people wanting extended family involved their children’s lives. I know loads of people who have that advantage. However if you are not one of them, you simply have to manage and make the best of your lot.

My husband and I would love a village to allow us some time alone together - paid childcare isn't an option for us. We manage just fine however would we like a billion support us? Absolutely

This.
My children are all but grown up now, but they have had lots of significant adult role models outside the family. We live about 3 hours drive from our nearest relative and never had any practical help with childcare or domestic tasks etc but I certainly don't think we raised our children single handed. Whether it was people we paid for their skills such as dance and music teachers, volunteers like sports coaches and scout leaders or informal supporters like friends and neighbours who shared their skills, interests and knowledge with our children, we have benefitted hugely from our village - both literal and metaphorical.
I'm pleased to say that my children as teens and young adults are all part of other people's villages in one way or another now, and the cycle continues.

I don't understand this personally. My extended family is one of my greatest joys. I find it bizarre enough that my BIL and his family make my PIL stay in a hotel when they come to visit, despite living in a massive house. That concept is beyond alien to me. But then I am not ethnically British, and multigenerational living is normal to me.

Should say a village to support us

So what would YOU do if you/your husband had a serious accident in sole charge of the children? Not ask a friend to help to be self sufficient or accept help that was quickly offered?

(And on parenting front... the reason my DH doesn't do more is his job requires him to be away a lot. This is what keeps a roof over our heads.)

YABU and very smug. Good for you but a lot of people don't have all those things.

You have so much privilege. That’s why you don’t need a village.

When we had DD we were completely alone, having moved cities 2 years before. I found it really hard to make friends in a new area in my 30s compared to the uni days which was the last time I’d done a big move.

I found being a new parent incredibly lonely without family and close friends around me. It’s fine now, because things change and develop. And I don’t have quite the village that you describe. But things were bloody hard for a long time; even with many of the privileges you describe.

Aren’t you lucky.

I'll tell you why you need a village: because if your lovely, supportive, 50% husband dies suddenly, like mine did, you'll be fucked if you don't have one.

I was, and had to build one pretty bloody quickly. Would never allow myself to become so isolated again, even with a partner.

Tbf that's a totally seperate issue.

OP I agree that it shouldn't be seen as a privilege to have an engaged husband but having two parents available all the time isn't everyone's experience so to those people it feels like that would be a privilege. My DP works away for long periods and when he's here parenting alongside me I don't feel we need a village most of the time. But when he's away or working 20h days and I have to work late or my DD is ill and I need to take time off work that's when it is a struggle. In her first year at nursery my DD probably had 40+ days off with various illnesses. Trying to juggle caring for a sick child with work when you don't have any back up is hard. If things go well I think I'd manage without support but IME you can't rely on things going well all the time.

i grew up in a non-village situation and it had all sorts of knock on effects such as having no idea what people did for jobs / careers outside of being a dr or a vet etc. i'd not heard of civil engineering or product developer etc

we were at a neighbours bbq at the weekend. Fun energetic dad played football with some of the kids while some of the teenagers made flower crowns with some of the other kids. People mucked in with making the food One who is a gardener advised someone else on what to do with their flowerbed. Another who has experience in the area talked to another kid for a long time about apprenticeships and where to look / what they encompass etc. We passed on some of our kids toys to a new neighbour who has smaller kids and we all chatted about which local school might suit them and where the best playground is. The old guy from down the road rooted through his tool shed and found the exact bit i needed to finish a diy project.

it was a convivial, pleasant occasion where we shared, learned from each other and built bonds. that's something that was missing from my own childhood and it was poorer for it. and i almost didn't go because i thought it would be awkward and who wants to hang out with their neighbours

I detest the phrase it takes a village. I knew a woman who just shoved her kids onto any other mum she could. She asked her friend to look after 4yo and 2yo for a Saturday afternoon, whilst she went to something that she pretended was work related and then called up saying she was miles away and her car had broken down (cough cough) so could the friend keep the kids the whole weekend. Over and over, done to loads of people with loads of excuses so she could sit in coffee shops/restaurants and socialise. And always accompanied by the phrase “it takes a village”. Like it was some excuse not to look after her own kids.

A village isn’t just about childcare, it’s about the support, advice.

If your DH is away for the night and one child has to go to A&E, who are you asking to look after the second child? Are you sending them to a friend’s, a neighbours? If you break down on the way home from extra curriculars but it’s not safe to walk home, is there someone you are ringing for a lift? You might thank them with a bottle of wine later but they’re still your village.

Your village can be different for different things. So when DH was stuck with DD and no car or car seat, our friend with a child similar age was our village as they picked DH up. When I was in hospital having DD I had a village of people who would look after the dogs. I have someone that if we are stuck in traffic but the dogs are at home, can let themselves into our house and let the dogs out. I know I have a group of people who have children similar age to mine who can I ask if this is normal or how they are tackling this. I also have the skills to find more support if I need it, I have the language skills to ask for a referral to a good bank, I have the language skills to say that I’m struggling with something to the GP, I have the research skills to find support for something my DD might be struggling with.

There are people who don’t have that. People who have experienced DV and moved from their family and friends. People who can’t afford to work and have no break. People who don’t have the skills to understand the food bank referral system or how to put an application together for UC.

As someone who married into a large, close Asian family, trust me when I say there are also many downsides. There are pluses, but don't idealise that kind of set up!

The idea of a village is about exposing the child to more than just the influence of you and your husband. As someone who works with young adults, those who have had very insular upbringings tend to be more socially weird and closed off than those who have had a ‘village’. I do try and make sure my children spend time with all different kinds of people and do lots of activities that bring them into contact with those who are different from them.

In terms of practical help, I do rely a lot on family as dh and I don’t have a lot of money to buy in childcare and honestly I’d rather not leave my baby with someone I don’t know very well. If money was no object and I could afford the very best childcare and lived in a nice area where high quality nannies etc could be found, I might feel differently. I wouldn’t ask or expect friends to participate in regular childcare - I just don’t have those kinds of friendships and I think that kind of expectation puts strains on friendships that will destroy them in the end.

Yes we moved away from the actual village into a fairly close knit urban community which was actually very welcoming despite us being outsiders. So DS was part of the school community, though no after school activities. A suppose a village of sorts.

Nursery is part of our village

I had a supportive family but when my children were growing up we spent a lot of time with a large group of families, holidays etc from our church.
I would say my children were raised by a village. We kept a close eye on all the children wherever we were, and parented them if needed, got them a drink, picked them up if they fell if we were the closest. Expectations were the same for all the children . I look back now and realise how fortunate they were. All the children have grown into caring members of society.

I do understand and I don't idealise it. I've also married in to an Asian family. They live elsewhere in Europe but we spend a lot of time with them. As a very introverted English person I do feel a little stressed sometimes when we see them all. There's a lack of personal space and having dozens of relatives around is sometimes a bit much for me. However, I also see the positives, the love and closeness between them and the support.

Long time single parent here. There were times I did it on my own, and times I really needed the village, when my mum was desperately ill and when she died, when I caught chicken pox and was confined to my flat with no way of getting a five year old to school, when I just needed a bit of time on my own and next door stepped in, the period when my work hours didn’t fit school hours .

I was also able to be the village by minding other peoples children during the school holidays etc etc.

as the song says, “ I get by with a little help from my friends” .

One of my nicest “village” memories is a woman in work, who I really though disapproved of my single pregnancy, but who, on the last day before my maternity leave , left a tissue and ribbon wrapped parcel on my desk and inside was a beautifully soft hand knitted cardigan for the baby. It was the kindest gesture, and I have never forgotten her.