AIBU to not need "the village"?

[holycannaloni]

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

I was annoyingly referencing another thread which caused uproar as someone asked a friend for a lift from the airport in the early hours. You're right, plenty of people thought it was the height of CFery and how dare anyone ask a friend this. Bizarre. I suspect some (or all) of the prevalent attitudes stem from childhood. I know people who can't bring themselves to ever accept help from anyone and it's seen as a sign of weakness. Therefore if anyone asked THEM for help they perceive that person as weak/a poor planner etc. Fine, but the most contented people I know are those who are generous with their time and energy. My dad was absolutely selfless and was never happier than when he was lending someone a hand. It's so important for children to see this and be around it IMO.

I agree with a pp that it is more about the importance of community and collective wisdom in raising children, rather than being about free childcare etc.

This. OP has more village than she realises.

I didn’t need a village either. My first baby was a Covid one, so even if I wanted a village, I’d have been shit-out-of-luck.

I’m fortunate to have money, a good husband, good health and easy babies, so I do recognise why that might be.

I’m a single Mum with 4 young kids and very much grateful for a “village”. If the children are not with their Dad they are taken care of by me but I have family and close friends who offer all kind of support be it practical in emergencies or emotional support when I’ve had a bad day. For me it’s also my local church, neighbours, other school Mums. I think it’s really beneficial for children to be surrounded by lots of positive, healthy adults and I would not manage without it.

What I always understood it to mean was that at some point some member of your village is going to say "get off that roof/is that man bothering you/get out that stream/it's a bad idea to fall asleep drunk in fields on harvest days/yes I can help you because you've broken your leg" and it will be a positive thing. You can't always be there for your kids, especially when they get a bit older and allowed to wander.

*I didn’t need a village either. My first baby was a Covid one, so even if I wanted a village, I’d have been shit-out-of-luck.

I’m fortunate to have money, a good husband, good health and easy babies, so I do recognise why that might be.*

When your LOs are older and have a really good sports coach, or a teacher that inspires them, or someone who is kind to them on public transport, or helps them when they're out on their own - that will be your village kicking in.

I think, I'm in a similar position to op in the sense that apart from dh I've got no family living in the UK but we are privileged enough to pay for child care though not to cover all eventualities.

I never thought I needed a village till my youngest was born. Dh wasn't well so couldn't help out that much. My parents were here for quite a few months and their help with the house and with entertaining older DC while we were busy with the baby was invaluable. Since the baby has joined nursery he keeps falling ill and both dh and me have exhausted all of our leave for this year. We've got another 6 months to go and the summer holidays. It would have been nice if we had a village so that

1. We didn't have to take so much leave
2. If the GP had been around school age DD could have spent time with them rather than having to go to holiday clubs for full 6 weeks

I really noticed how much you need other people though when I had to take both kids to the hospital in the middle of the night when Dh was away for work. DC 2 was very ill and they were going to monitor him overnight. They kept asking me to make other arrangements for DD but I didn't know who to call. No family around and I didn't want to trouble any of our friends. Finally, I mentioned to a friend over the phone casually that I'm at a n E again and as she knew that dh was away she immediately came to pick up DD so DD could sleep in her house rather than having to be at a n E. I was so grateful and that's when I realised that for some things there are no official provisions. Some things you can't buy (unless you are so rich that you can always have a nanny on stand by).

At dd's school we also help each other out at pick up by staying with one of the kids if their parents are delayed in picking them up.

The other side of the coin though is the added interference and meddling by family members when they are here. They all are very helpful but sometimes try to take over parenting, which i struggle with but at the end of the day in an emergency situation you realise what your priorities are and how much you actually need other people.

And that's apart from all the social ways in which the village can enrich your child's life.

The nursery is part of your village, your husband is part of your village.

Lots of people can’t access/afford nursery. Lots of people do not have husbands, or have ones that work away etc.

You are receiving help from the village.

Absolutely agree.
Whilst the baby and toddler years are often the hardest physically - you're providing the most hands on care, feeding them, dressing them etc and probably getting the least sleep - it is as children get older that you/they need the input of other people far more. They want to do things that involve skills and knowledge that you don't personally have, or at times and places when you can't physically get them there. They run into some kind of difficulty when you are not there -and you can't be physically present for a teenager all the time,at some point you have to give then their freedom and hope that they make good choices with the help of the village. They need the perspective of someone different to help them make a decision about their future. There are many examples.
The presence of a wider, hopefully supportive community is important. No matter how we try we can't be everything to our children as they grow, and in fact we shouldn't try to be, as they need to develop other relationships and experience different things in order to grow into a well rounded adult.

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The nurseries you mention helped you to raise your children, as did your 50/50 husband. Some people have to do it all alone.

So you have no friends/other parents who would have the children for you if you needed to have your arm x-rayed (extreme example maybe), run them to school if you had a flat tyre (or the school bus didn’t turn up) or have them overnight if your sitter plans fell through? No one who picks them up from school or after school club if you got stuck in traffic? No friend that acts like an auntie or uncle and chats to them about stuff? To me that’s what a village looks like. I remember having a friend who came round, without being asked, to help with my baby twins’ bath time when my OH had to go abroad for a close family funeral. I would have been fine, but it was lovely that she thought of me. We live away from family and are lucky to live on a great street where we all look out for each other. It gets easier as they get older, obviously, but a lovely community around you definitely helps. I know my children could knock on any door around here if I took ill or something and get help. Would never expect free childcare, but we all have emergencies from time to time.

We don’t have a village and I would like one 😂

I notice grandparents at school pickup, friends having nights away as couples child-free, having someone to help with the kids. I think it would be nice.

Our families live close by but we have no help with the kids. Mine are too busy to see the kids very often and my husband’s parents like hearing they’re doing well at school etc but would never help us with them practically like by babysitting.

I guess I notice what others have that I don’t and this is the only area of my life I feel like this about.

I don’t need a village (which is a good job hey!) but I would like one.

This is lovely! I remember a friend at school who used to go to her nan’s for tea sometimes and I was always envious of this! I really wanted it for my children and am sad that our families just aren’t interested 😞

This. Can’t stand smug twats with no ability to read a ‘room’.

You literally said you don’t need a village, then went on to describe your village. 👀

Im like you and have a very supportive partner to split the load with. We have almost zero help but we do crave it sometimes…not with raising the kids that’s our job but more being able to go out together like we used to.

I do get envious of anybody who has people that will look after their children so they get time together, me and OH have always been very close and miss that the most. We have family nearby but they are just unreliable/not bothered which kinda makes it worse.

New Age namby pamby crap 🤣. Click bait, headlines, jargon - then thousands of non-thinkers pick it up and run with it. Yawn.

To me it sounds like you have a village

‘Tell me you have an avoidant attachment style without telling me you have an avoidant attachment style’

You have your village! You just described it!
Some are not so fortunate. This is not a new phrase.
My son is in the navy and my DIL has moved close to us with my grandson so she has support while he is away. She now has her 'village' and has their little family have the support they need

😂

You have purchased a village. But, even then, you could one day find yourself in need of that family and friend village and then you will understand. Of course, that may never happen to you.
But, if you are sitting there with an absent or useless partner, then maybe you get in a car accident, laid up for months, can't work, limited to zero nursery, no one to help you with the kids, no one to help you to the doctor, etc.
Maybe your husband passes, now you are alone. No more 50/50. Too much income for childcare assistance, not enough to pay all the bills. Can you stay in your current home? Can you afford your bills, food, clothes, etc. etc? Plus you also are grieving, the kids are as well, you all need therapy, but you have no time because now you are doing it all alone.
I mean, it doesn't take much for you to start needing that village. Even if you are single parenting and making it thru and possibly even thriving-and then your daycare says they are shutting down tonight for an emergency and not opening again for weeks, if ever? I mean, you can afford to get a new one, but do any have openings right now? Any friends or family to watch them zero notice for a few days? Will your job let you have those days, or is that a mark against you? I mean, depends on how many days you have already had to miss for kids emergencies this year, right?
You can do absolutely everything right and still find yourself needing those people that will have your back with little to no notice.
Or maybe you will never need it.

Yes, going to grandma's was the best. We looked forward to those weekends.

New Age namby pamby crap 🤣. Click bait, headlines, jargon - then thousands of non-thinkers pick it up and run with it. Yawn.

Dear "thinker", Could you stuff more jargon into two lines? 👌😁