AIBU to not need "the village"?

[holycannaloni]

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

Our kids could not participate in their sporting activities without 'the village'.. to organise teams, drive kids to matches, fund raise etc. My kids coach the younger ones too.

The father's of three of my son's friends have died in the past three years. 'The village' stepped in to make meals, help organise funerals, help familes move house, sit and listen, hug, turn up at memorials.

I had a knee accident a few years ago, 'the village' drove me to physio, dropped off shopping, moved furniture in my hallway so I could move easily on crutches.

My 'village' is a great way of getting rid of things we have grown out of by still have life in them.

A child got hit by a car outside of school, crossing the road to the bus stop. (Not UK).. There is a rota of parents from 'the village' most of whom who do not have children who catch the bus, have been trained by he police and take two shifts a week to man the crossing so students can safely cross the road.

So so so many more over the years..

I live in a village . It's friendly and the kids play out together .
It's amazing.
Even the toddler plays with all the kids and loves it.
We do lots together and I always feel very safe.
If I win the lottery I'd probably stay here.
There are lots of little villages about - I highly recommend it xxx

I'm with you. My mum literally lives in a village and although her neighbours are beyond needing childcare age there is such a sense of community there - they give each other lifts, water each other's plants and feed cats etc. They take each other for hospital appointments- stuff that would make MNers' brains explode. It seems like there is such a fear here of getting involved in other people's lives or setting expectations. Actually if you like and care for the people around you and have time, there is a lot to be said for helping others out.

I have a bit of a village and am consciously trying to grow it :):)

village very much needed and wanted, here 😬😂

I would go to the moon for the friends that are still there when my adhd autistic child has finished having the biggest meltdown and trashing the place.

I think my children’s lives are massively enriched by having all their ‘aunties’, and all our children consider all of us family.

We have keys to each others doors, we are emergency contacts at each other’s schools for the children and work for each other… we go to each other’s doctors appointments/prospective school visits/health visitor appointments/bra fittings/vet visits/rescue each other when we brake down…do each others housework when needed, pay for each others kids shoes/uniforms/school milk/shopping when needed. I’ve been a handover point when contact has been an issue for one, and employed another for 2 years when they were struggling. I occasionally let myself in and used one of their baths while they are out, and one of them regularly comes round here even if we are out in order to get some peace and quiet and steal my chocolate!

I wouldn’t be without them!

Single mom to a complex sn child, my friends are my village. We support eachother. Our kids are friends and I'd be lost without you them. I brought them flowers to our kids grads this year to thank them. I am so thankful for them in my life and my son's life.
Not too mention supportive teachers, office staff. I am so grateful for these people. They help my life.

I don't have a lot of family around (my in laws are local but not always available and my parents live abroad from me), but I have lots of friends (with children and without) and colleagues who act as a village. Me, husband and kids are better off with them.

Yes, easily all of that this week and much more 😂 It's just being part of a lovely, large friendship group, ironically in a large village.

DH took the neighbours child with ours to their swimming lesson yesterday, another friend will take my child to Beavers tomorrow. We help each other and the community aspect enriches all our lives.
We all have weeks of more or less capacity too. Everyone chips in what they can and no one takes advantage. I only moved here a few years ago and do feel lucky when I think of our 'village'.
And I've four children and work part time.

But you do have a village in the sense you have a really supportive partner! If you're genuinely 50:50 in everything your are immeasurably lucky to have that two person village.

I am a single mother! My ex certainly does not help out 50:50 and both our parents either live abroad or other end of the country! I don't need a village, but I'd love a supportive partner that helped out 50:50 (I'll leave the unsupportive partner as that's worse than doing it alone).

I agree your week didn't seem excessive to me. I find it hard to see how "visiting someone in hospital " could involve cheeky fuckery. I don't mean to be disparaging to those who approach life differently but to me helping each other out is just overall more productive and enjoyable. This week I've cat sat, taken another child to a class and back, fetched and delivered a whole load of different stuff that was needed for an activity and helped at school fair. In return I've accepted a friend taking DD to a party, a lift home from the activity I fetched stuff for, and a forward promise to cat sit next weekend and lift to the same activity in a few weeks' time. No one has been a CF, it's all swings and roundabouts but overall beneficial to everyone.

This is true- I draw the line at airport runs after midnight!

I think a very important aspect of the village is being able to say -sorry, can’t do that- and no one getting the hump!

I do see your point and probably should have substituted usually with in my experience.
Like I said, having the choice to be private is a privilege stemming from being able to provide between ourselves ( spouses) but conversely its also something I've been ribbed about and people wanting to be the village when we're private people.
To be honest, the only village apart from spouse who has ever given without strings is a parent who provided ad hoc very sporadic help ( like an hour a month or two)

I have a similar advantaged London family. We probably haven’t needed much help as we can pay for what we need, and are all in good health mostly. But I want my children to grow up understanding that they’re part of a community which is connected and only thrives when we take care of one another beyond the nuclear family. So I want them to see me looking after neighbours’ kids, helping out at their schools, volunteering locally etc.. and today, when I ended up in a&e with one child who had made a stupid tackle in PE so I couldn’t make pick up for another one, and their dad was miles away for work, I was very grateful for the friend who stepped in. You sound overly invested in being self-sufficient. Needing the support of others isn’t a failure, it’s a normal part of being human.

It's possible that you don't need a village when the kids are young but do more so as they grow up. Especially teenagers who will resent you for breathing, it can be good to have a community of safe people.

The idea of the "village" isn't just for the benefit of the patents; it's the child being safe to expand their reach. To find confidence in others. To build safe and positive relationships. I literally come from a village. I think of the "village" almost like a literal village. So it's not just the close relationships she makes with others but being safe and confident to interact with the librarian or shop keeper. Its the lady next door who we aren't best friends with but could turn to for help in an emergency. Nowadays the "village" isn't alway literal and the distances larger and the areas or borders less defined. But its about constructing that "village" as a safety net for yourself and your child.

I would love a village.

It’s not a new concept, and the way that we raise children in the Western world is somewhat unnatural.

If you look to our roots, we’d have lived in clans and babies would have been looked after collectively. Genetically, we’ve barely changed since those times - it’s society that’s changed. There’s a reason mums often feel so overwhelmed, isolated, lonely, exhausted - we’re really not meant to take the burden solo!

As you’ve said, in other cultures it’s still the norm for extended family and even other members of the local community to take a much more active role in looking after the children. Honestly, I’d love that 😭

At least one of the threads you are referring to was based on a single parent's situation though?

Having two teens and looking back, having friends that stepped in in many occasions to help out has been an amazing contribution not only to the practicality of it, but it has also enriched my kids' social life.

To this day I count on our social network for a happier family life, I would not want to have lived an insular life.

I never thought of the village as being the close family and friends who might babysit or bring you a lasagna when you’re sick. I always thought of it as referring to much less closely connected people looking out for children all the time. So if you’re at the park and your 2 year old is pulling in one direction while your 5 year old is running in the other, the village is the teen lad playing footy, or the dog walker, or other mum, who stops to intercept the 5 year old before they make it out of the gate. The village is the lady at the post office who kindly distracts your kid while you rummage in your purse for your card. The village is the man sailing a remote control boat on the lake who’s never met your kid before but takes the time to let them have a go and explains how boats tack against the wind.

Exactly this. Plus the woman who sits beside your 12 yo dd on the bus to stop her getting shit from men, or the man who runs the free boxing gym for tween boys who are struggling in school, or the teenagers playing football in the park who step in to stop a kid they don’t know being harassed by others. It’s incredibly easy to think you don’t need anyone when you are a well off 2 parent family with children so small that they are 100% of the time with you or in a formal childcare setting. I know there are parents determined to deny their older dc the developmental necessity of “hanging around” by keeping them in the house or at supervised activities all the time but for those of us who want our older dc to be able to use public areas unsupervised then the safeguarding aspect of “the village” is pretty damn useful.

Well you have a supportive husband, kids are in nursery (so presume you only see them briefly during the week and only two full days in the weekend), and also you don't live near family so knew you'd have no support going into it. Good for you, I don't think there's anything wrong with not needing or wanting any extra help, but I think you have it better than most.

It takes a village to raise a child" is a proverb that means that an entire community of people must provide for and interact positively with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment. The proverb has been attributed to African cultures.

Hilarious, but true. People on mumsnet wouldn't want to have a village because everyone would be a CF that you need to cut off immediately 🤣
A true village goes both ways and that's why I think it's not very prevalent here. Western society is very individualistic.

I would say that I have got a “village” I’m a student nurse and my partner works two jobs but we’ve got great support from my family my parents will happily take the children if they’re off nursery or pick them up if my partner or I can’t, and even keep them overnight if need be and it’s great knowing that in an emergency we’ve got help, my sister even takes the kids out some weekends for “aunt time” which gives me the opportunity to get things done at home. I know I’m fortunate that I have got my “village” and I’ve got other mum friends that are always complaining that they don’t have that support and really struggle.

I have found that having friends I can rely on more important as my children got older. We have no families near and managed fine until they were about 6 or 7.

School timetables are shorter than nursery. They have more activities to attend, more social life. It's not fair on them to drag each other along to the others activities appointments all the time. They don[t like the same things or have the same friends.

Sometimes I need/want someone to talk one child to a party so I can take the other to their activities. Or to let my child stay for dinner as the other has a Drs. apt far away. Or because of work commitments neither my husband or I can make school pick-up that day.

Because I know that I need this, I am always offering favours (driving children places, picking up from school), knowing that when it is me that needs the favour I will have several options willing to help me out. It takes off so much stress knowing that they can always go round X`s house.

I'm a similar age, not in the UK, but I have heard it said for many years. I agree with a pp that it is more about the importance of community and collective wisdom in raising children, rather than being about free childcare etc.