AIBU to not need "the village"?

[holycannaloni]

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

You sound a bit insular.

I love seeing my children's relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, as well as friends (theirs and ours) flourish.

Yes DH and I can get by on our own, but dropping the kids off for their play dates, or them being looked after by the grandparents and that relationship blossoming is nice. I think these all enrich their life.

You're not winning just because you're able get by without a "village".

I actually the more I think about it, it’s not just for practicalities. We both work FT, so in holidays my kids go to holiday club. As much as they enjoy it, they like a bit of down time too and go to my parents one or two days per week. They normally just hung out playing board games or getting the bus into town for a McDonald’s or something like that. I think it’s great that they get that time with them. We also have a neighbor where we help each other out sometimes with school pickups and drop offs etc. we can get by without it, but it’s great having plan B.
I think even if you don’t need the village, life is better with it.

You don't need other people until you do need them.

If disaster befell you, you'd look for a village pretty quick. Eg I know a family where one spouse is having chemo. One child, good income, happy family - but they need help because it's a struggle. Things can change super fast. If you see yourself as within a network and help others, you have a network if you need it plus your children learn from it.

The only way you'd live without any village is if you were marooned somewhere - you rely on people, you just don't appreciate it!

I kind of agree with you OP, although I can see why people who can't afford childcare and can't live on one income need support and a 'village'.
My MIL used to take care of neighbours kids to enable their mums to work in a relatively poor area of her home country, what an amazing woman she was.
However I do find that lots of quite wealthy people think they need a village because they expect parenthood to be easy, and it's not, it's relentless but also very rewarding. I don't ask or expect any outside help except my childminder, but appreciate I'm privileged to be able to afford one. I don't want to bother other people, I like to be independent and me and DH share everything equally.

@FourTeaFallOut is on the right lines. It isn't the close care side of family life. It is the incidental contacts that we used to have. The shop assistant we see 2 or three days a week, the bus driver. The lady down the road with those big blue flowers in her garden who always says hello.
The staff in a restaurant who speak to the child.
These people will be the eyes and ears when the children go out for themselves.
You OP will contribute and play your part by being the nice lady who smiles and lets them get their ball back from your garden or says hello and try's to help the harassed mum with a 2yr old trying to get the buggy and baby off the bus.

Families used to be bigger too so the older kids would look after the younger ones. My oldest brother and sister took care of us a lot.

My village was always very limited. I have my sister and my mum and my husband. My husbands parents didn’t want to be part of our village but were happy to be part of my brother in laws village.
I wouldn’t have been able to cope without my mum and sister. It’s not so much the babysitting it’s just the shared love for my children that I appreciated when they were young.
I think the fact you and your husband both work and your support network are out the country and your children go to nursery, means you have a very different dynamic for your family then we do. I wouldn’t have wanted to pay anyone else to care for my children, nor would I have been comfortable taking on a full time job before they could speak and were in school.
it sounds like you have a different take on life to to others, perhaps a more stoic approach to your children. The ‘village’ isn’t just for the parents it’s for the child too, which is often forgotten when both parents are busy at work and unable to comprehend what the baby/toddler goes through when they’re in a care setting and not with those they love.
glad it worked out for you and your husband though 👍

This is it exactly.

What about during covid? What did you do when you had to isolate and the supermarkets weren't delivering? The village stepped up, delivering essentials to each other, making sure the vulnerable had what they needed, walking siblings to school if they were negative. It was the one thing I liked about lockdown, realising the fabric of society was still there. Surely it's more efficient to help each other out rather than try to do everything yourself. Sometimes a little favour costs little to offer and is worth a lot to the recipient, and then you can ask for the same in return.

YABU to use the word "gotten"

My ‘village’ tried to make matters worse - purposely- and then fucked off to the furthest side of fuck

I don’t need a village. I’m my own village. I do now however have a couple extra people in my village and we’re very good at looking out for each other.

it’s better with good people around you. when I had only bad people around me it was soul destroying. I was close to knowing utter despair- then found one friend. I realised that you only really need one good person in your life for it be better. I love that friend with everything. Still.

You are either insular, which is sad for your kids, or have a 'village' but know it by a different name.

Have you had friends (possibly with their kids) over for dinner? American up with other families at the park? Made a friend whose had a baby a meal? Visited a friend with a sick child in hospital? Walked someone's dog when they're ill? Asked another friend to drop your child off on the school pick up as you've another child off ill? All of these things are in my week this week. This is my village and I love it. Sadly my family all live far away, so we can't include them in the community. You may not have the capacity to help other or want to be helped, that's just a bit sad for you.

@CaptainMum ALL of those things are things you're doing this week?!

I'm sorry but that sounds like you're spreading yourself much too thin. My husband and I couldn't possibly manage to do all that alongside our normal lives whilst also making time for our own children. It sounds like you're being taken advantage of to be honest.

I would maybe do those things every now and then, but no one in my life would need that kind of support, and certainly not all in the same week.

We haven’t had ‘the village’ to help raise our kids other than pre school/school if you count that. We have lots of friends but I wouldn’t ask for help unless it was an absolute emergency (need emergency childcare which has been very rare). Also, our kids are hardly ever ill so we have been lucky in that sense. I can imagine lots of different scenarios where people do need alot of people to help out (for example a long term sick parent/child, single parents etc).

I dont think we need ‘the village’ either but plenty of people without the luck/stability that we have probably do.

It really depends on 1) circumstances, and 2) personality.

I am a lone parent, so I need some help. But my kids are not little anymore so I don’t need as much help as I used to. When I need help my family is there. Some of my friends have kids but they live far away from me so we can’t really help each other in every day things.

I’m very independent and self-sufficient, partly as a result of a completely useless and unsupportive late husband, so I tend to rely on myself. I’m fortunate in that circumstances are such that I don’t need a lot of help anymore.

Yes, this is how I take it.

It's why adults who've never lived outside of the family home can be a bit underexposed to other standards and ways of life. This is how we eat/how we take care of ourselves/what we believe.

Doesn't go for all cases obviously, but the most tedious kinds of people are those who only understand one set of standards and behaviours, and who won't accept that others are different.

As a single parent I absolutely need a village, no supportive partner. Up until 2 weeks ago I had the most fabulous child minder who died suddenly. I'm trying to navigate my children through grief, theirs and mine and working around school hours whilst still doing a full time job.

I am trying not to be mean but what scenario were you in that you had NO friends? (Or family but I guess one doesn't always have a choice with that). How could you go through your whole life including raising small children where they have friends and you at least become acquainted with their parents and have absolutely nobody? Did anyone ever ask you for support or help? Maybe it's a rural Irish thing but I am genuinely puzzled - and feel genuinely sad for you - if what you say is true. Lovely people are out there, lots of them!

@holycannaloni

I am speaking from a position of privilege with some of these things, but I waited until slightly later in life to have children with a man I knew would be an equal, competent parent for this reason. I made choices specifically to enable this. And obviously I know some people's lives change drastically due to tragedy etc. so I don't include them in this, but I do wonder, for example, about the woman who expects her childless friends to help her on a rota - this is clearly taking advantage.

You are speaking from a position of privilege and this post is very smug and ever so slightly insulting. I see posts like this a lot from people who say they chose the right man, job done etc. As if it were that easy.

I also chose a man I thought would be an equal, competent parent. And he was, until he had a mental breakdown and turned into a raging alcoholic. Men who will cheat, or drink or be abusive or neglectful don't come complete with a chip which you can scan which tells you they are a risk. Some of us just draw a bad hand.

I've been a single parent for most of my DD's upbringing and I've managed. Mainly because I'm lucky enough that I have a fairly well-paid job (which I guess makes me fairly privileged). I don't "need" a village in the sense that you mention it and haven't got one: my closest relative lives 60 miles away from me and I sure as hell have not expected anyone to give me free childcare. I've paid for 95% of the childcare I've had over the years. But I do think a village would have enriched my life and I'm extremely grateful to have close female friends who have played a central role in my DD's life.

As many PPs have posted here it isn't just about support or childcare. I think its very important for children to grow up with significant figures in their lives outside of the nuclear family. Even with a very strong marriage, it's not desirable for a child's life to be entirely bound by its parents and siblings. It's limiting in so many ways to regard the immediate family as the only support network and its important to have perspective outside that.

I grew up in the 50s and 50s and my parents did the parenting - not a ‘village’. It wasn’t expected. We had no relatives anywhere near, so I dare say it’s different if you do - but many people don’t nowadays.

I agree with a lot of what you said especially when I got to this post. I have a friend who never bothers to even send me a text on my birthday but she’s often hinting about now she and her (useless) partner don’t get any help from their families and how they need this or that. I know she’s trying to make me feel bad.

The irony is her in-laws and friends with kids help her out more than she helps them. For many people it’s just an excuse to take the piss out of others, and the same ones who want child free people to babysit would often be quick to say people without kids shouldn’t ever hold opinions about parenting because “what do they know”

We don’t have family close by at all, but I still feel like I have a bit of a “village” and I’d like more.

The only time I felt completely isolated was lockdown. Normally we have friends that we are - DC play with their kids and the adults have a drink and a chat for instance. School parents that I chat to in person and ask advice from (how’s the sizing on the new school jumpers? Did they move PE this week? etc). When I was ill a few months ago a neighbour who has kids at the same school dropped them home for me.

I have friends with older DC who pass hand me downs to me. A neighbour with a dog that always stops to chat to DC and encourages them to pet the dog. Lots and lots of little things that help you get through the day and lots of varied interactions that are so good for children.

I agree, the phrase is overused and twee.

But, obviously,you do have a 'village', you pay for yours.

I am almost completely alone when DH is abroad with work. No family nearby. No friends available. No neighbours available. Just me. So for days and days at a time It's just me and the kids, not a soul around to "help out" in an emergency. A "village" to help would be nice. But it is what it is.

Yes this is what it’s supposed to be about and it’s a lovely idea actually, but people have rebranded the term for their own convenience.

Even in this thread some people talking about how the village is so important to them are just discussing it in terms of what people do for them eg. Babysit their kids, walk their dog when ill etc…