To be quite rude to kids wanting to engage with me?

[Brieandcran]

I know - I sound like a really horrible person here and maybe I am, but I’m wondering about this.

It feels like nearly every time I take my very young children to a park or soft play someone else’s child or children latches onto us and it’s really irritating. Today I was at the playground in the morning and two little boys were there and would not stop trying to get my attention. I was saying to my eldest that a piece of equipment was for bigger children and these two kids were shouting across me that no it wasn’t, they went on it, watch, watch. I ignored at first but ended up saying something like ‘thank you but I need to focus on my own children.’ Then ‘where is your mummy or daddy?’ But they just carried on.

I also had it at soft play (with a different family) where someone actually had a go at ME for their misbehaviour and I had to quite sharply say they weren’t my kids!

I don’t want to be unpleasant about it but when they don’t listen to not now, go and find your mummy or whatever - what the hell do you do? I really want to be playing with my own children not someone else’s!

I know what you mean. One of my friends has a very hyperactive 8yo who is very friendly/ has zero boundaries and whenever we go camping with them (which is fairly often) he'll latch on to another family. I'd be really annoyed if it was me because he's very difficult and persistent and he really doesn't get what is/isn't socially acceptable. Eg. He'll point out that my teen is fat and try to follow her into the toilet.

Socks are meant to be worn in soft play, so this is different from your OP. The child wasn't wrong here, the adult was.

My son is ND - and struggles with social boundaries. For example - he will often go up to other kids and shout "HELLO NEW FRIEND" at them which is pretty intense. He also talks to adults a great deal - sometimes following them around. I try to stop him but generally people are so supportive and sweet to him. He is trying his hardest to interact but doesn't pick up on social cues and isn't sure how to approach things. I saw a mum turn her back on my son as he tried to talk to her when she was right next to him - he looked gutted.

YANBU

Happens to me in loads of places. Library, play groups, soft play, park etc.

I'm usually quite active in playing with my kid (as well as sometimes backing off to give them space to play solo with other kids) and sooo many times kids approach starved for attention because their parents aren't giving it to them.

At the library we go to the childminders don't give a toss about their charges and just come in, plonk them down, sit on a chair and gossip/play on their phones the entire session. I can't count the number of times I've been sat reading with my toddler and another kid has come over to join in or brought a book for me to read with them. I didn't mind when it was occasional but when it became the whole session every time I did start to redirect with 'wow that looks nice! I'm just reading with my kid right now, maybe your carer would love to see that book!'

Are you the Pied Piper or something?

If it helps though, don't keep mentioning their mummy and daddy and asking them to go back to their parents. Their parents aren't available, that's why they've latched on to another adult!

Redirect their interest/attention to another toy or area – not in a scolding or brisk manner, but an "ooh what's that! Look at that!" way – and then turn your back on them. I've always been able to shake off stray children very quickly through redirection. Or at least, I've never accummulated children in the way you seem to have!

@Brieandcran . I think you're mistaking children's places for family places. Places like playgrounds and soft play are for children. Children play there with their friends and sometimes they make new friends and that's great. Adults tend to stay to the side, supervising the children from a distance and intervening only where there is a problem or unacceptable behaviour. This is how most people I know use playgrounds and soft play.

Sometimes children need adult help in these situations - for instance, if they're very young or nervous or need help mastering a new skill. I've been there - I've climbed up to the top of the climbing tower with my DC because they've been nervous of doing it on their own, I've played with them when there was no one else around, I've pushed them on the swing until they could do it themselves.

But as adults, we are the invaders here. These spaces belong to children. Far from moaning at other people's children, we should be trying to stay out of their way as much as possible and apologising for our presence. Because having adults impose themselves in children's play spaces changes the dynamic for all the children using them.

Of course, cafes, the beach and the train are different - they're not communal play spaces.

Why don’t you want your children to play with other children? That’s part of their development and you need to model good social interactions. Honestly, you sound stressed out and I think that’s the issue, not the kids. Maybe you should deal with that instead?

I know what you mean, OP.

I had this at soft play once, just when they were opening again and it was just me with my 18mo and a boy of about 3 or 4 with who I assumed was a grandmother. I was in the under-4s bit playing with DS and the other boy came over. Fine, because he could have been the right age. But he kept on trying to get on everything DS was climbing on, being boisterous, using the slide at the same time, changing his mind to the same thing I moved DS onto etc.

Then he started eating wrapped sweets, dropping the wrappers and basically hemmed me and DS in to a corner where DS was trying to play with something on the wall, by sitting next to us and trying to take over. I looked over at the boy's adult a few times but they had sat themselves on a table across the other side of the room and were on their phone. I tried to tell the boy that food wasn't allowed but he just stared at me and continued eating (I guess he maybe didn't understand me for whatever reason). I kept an eye because they were like Chewits, so didn't want him to choke.

Fortunately we'd been there a while so I could just leave after I'd had enough. I told the staff that there were wrappers in the area that weren't mine (I didn't want them to think it was me but I didn't want to outright say it was the boy) because I didn't want another baby to be in there and try to eat them. I'm not one for confrontation so didn't say anything to the adult. It was just so frustrating that the boy could have had the whole of the larger play frame to himself yet chose to squash up against my DS at every opportunity AND be boisterous with a little one he was clearly older than.

So YANBU for not wanting to have to engage with a child that's not yours!

Such a good post, I’ve never thought about it like that but Incompletely agree.

I don’t understand the criticisms of ‘parents not engaging with kids in parks’. If you teach your children now that parks are where adults spend time hands-on playing with them, then your kids will be the ones mithering parents of younger children when you do deem them old enough to play in the park without you directly next to them. I take my kids to the park (and send them to nursery, classes) etc partly because I want them to develop good social skills with their peers. If I want one on one time with them we stay at home.

'I really want to be playing with my own children not someone else’s!'

Sorry but you're taking your children to pubic childrens play parks. Your children can play with other children, not just their mother.

Let them interact!

I tell them that I am working on my phone and cannot talk right now and reiterate once with "sorry, cant look, busy", twice with a head shake and from then on I dont look up.

It's not rude. Nobody should be forced to engage and children need to learn that. I work bloody hard to actively engage with my child and instill boundaries about respecting adult/child personal playtime so like heck am I going to take my child to the park so they can play and then occupy another persons child when I'm not occupying my own.

@Goldbar I have said several times there is no issue with children a similar age striking a friendship. But that’s not what I’m talking about here.

Given that soft play and playgrounds do often have a toddler area I don’t consider I’m invading! My toddler can’t push herself on a swing and I don’t think is safe in soft play completely unsupervised. And beaches and parks (not playgrounds) are for everybody, not ‘just children.’

I don’t mind sitting back and letting kids get on with it but surely keep a cursory eye and step in when you can see they are in the wrong place / harassing another family.

I really agree with this

By a godsend I think PP means your children can play with others at the park while you sit there and watch and have some quiet time.

You should want your children to play and interact with others. I find it strange that you take your kids to a public KIDS place but they only play with their mother.

I'm with you, OP. This would have driven me round the bend.

I was happy to engage with and take responsibility for my own children when out and about, but didn't want other people's latching onto me.

You have to be quite blunt and direct about it, and practise your resting bitch face. Realise what vibes you are giving off and which ones you want to give off.

Don't be overly responsive and polite to unsolicited approaches from other random and feral children. If necessary tell them directly to go away to their own parents. Don't expect them to take, or even recognise, hints or body language as children that age are often still not good at reading social cues.

It is perfectly reasonable to not want to be pestered by other people's brats.

This happens to me fairly often too, possibly as I'm quite a chatty person, say hello to people etc. Like a PP said I try and think 'why is this child wanting my attention so much?', and the conclusion I come to usually is because they need attention. Whatever the reason - their own parents can't or won't give it to them; they're slightly higher needs etc - I try to give them attention. They're only children, and it's not their fault their life is the way it is. I will watch and interact with my own DC and also comment on/praise/talk to the attention needing child(ren). Often they're older than my own DC and end up 'helping' my own, eg when climbing up somewhere and then I might give them praise for helping my DC. This is good for the older child but also models to my own DC that I praise helping, it models that we include other people and don't discriminate etc. I genuinely don't see where the issue is because I think it can all be done at the same time. Not meaning to minimise you OP but I genuinely think it's just like having a group chat/play..

You don't need to be rude to them. If you don't want to engage with them, just make yourself as boring as possible. Monosyllabic answers and/or talking only about grown-up preoccupations that are usually uninteresting to children (e.g. where to park the car when doing the food-shop; etc.)

Can’t say I’ve really experienced this, well not to the degree you claim to. Of course little children will sometimes speak to other grown ups but surely a ‘that’s nice, wow, okay bye now’ does the trick? Or failing that a firmer word, stare and back turn?

I can’t believe you would let a little child stop you from going to specific places, did you not try speak to the parent?

When my boys were little we would go the park in the village unfortunately there was a little boy whose house was next to said park. Every time he would spot us and come to join in and would stay with us for the entire time we were there. Not just us but it did get that I and other parents would go elsewhere.

I didn’t mind just not all the time

I get this frequently too. If I can I’ll step back and let the children interact, but it’s the kids who actually want your attention and not to play alongside your children that become wearing. I don’t want to end up with extra childcare when I’ve mustered up all my strength to take my own out while trying to forget about the stuff needing my attention when we leave.

It's time and place.

If you were at the beach or in the park having a family picnic and my child plonked themselves down on your picnic rug, clearly I'd intervene. But they wouldn't do that, because unlike playgrounds and soft plays, there is no expectation of communal play in these areas.

If you're in a soft play frame or on a climbing structure intended for use by children over the age of 3, then I'm afraid you ARE the invader and I wouldn't put myself out to prevent my DC annoying you by speaking to you. I wouldn't mind if you told them to go away, though - but I might suggest that they also tell you to go away if you're getting in their way!

I had little to no interest in other people's children either but at the end of the day, they are only youngsters too, and I think it's horrible to be rude to them. You can use distraction techniques - they will come in useful with your own.

I hated soft fucking play anyway so it wasn't somewhere we frequented, and they had swings, slides, trampoline etc in their own back garden.

The time will come too when your little cherubs will in turn irritate the shite out of other adults, believe it or not. I think you just have to grit your teeth and practice a little tolerance.

We had neighbours years ago with an only child they couldn't really be bothered with. Every chance they got, they would send said child up to us, from the age of about 3!! We had no kids and weren't interested in them, but it wasn't the child's fault! Then there was the street 'feral' child also 4/5 who wandered the street from early morning until evening, and very solemnly informed me that my dad (DH!) had told him off for throwing stones at our window...

YANBU OP, this happens to me all the time. And for those saying you can just leave your toddler and sit outside - well, actually no, you can't because some older children are often in there, unsupervised and barging the little ones out of the way. My two year old has been hit, pushed, and dragged around by other people's hellions who were absolutely not allowed to be in the toddler area. No parents in sight stopping them from being aggressive and boisterous. So you have to be in there so you can stop those kind of incidents. I'd much rather not be, but if other people can't be bothered to stop their much older children going into the toddler area what are you supposed to do? I've even had older children's parents shout at me because their little darling has gone crying to them that they'd been prevented from hitting smaller children- sorry but if your child was supervised then there'd be no need for me to politely tell them it's not nice to hit small children and they need to stop....