To be quite rude to kids wanting to engage with me?

[Brieandcran]

I know - I sound like a really horrible person here and maybe I am, but I’m wondering about this.

It feels like nearly every time I take my very young children to a park or soft play someone else’s child or children latches onto us and it’s really irritating. Today I was at the playground in the morning and two little boys were there and would not stop trying to get my attention. I was saying to my eldest that a piece of equipment was for bigger children and these two kids were shouting across me that no it wasn’t, they went on it, watch, watch. I ignored at first but ended up saying something like ‘thank you but I need to focus on my own children.’ Then ‘where is your mummy or daddy?’ But they just carried on.

I also had it at soft play (with a different family) where someone actually had a go at ME for their misbehaviour and I had to quite sharply say they weren’t my kids!

I don’t want to be unpleasant about it but when they don’t listen to not now, go and find your mummy or whatever - what the hell do you do? I really want to be playing with my own children not someone else’s!

Definitely. There is no way people here would be telling your DH to be fun, friendly and approachable to random kids.

Of course she can judge, she's got random kids talking loudly at her and climbling on her and poking arounf the till.

Check out staff don't exist to entertain your kids.

But a lot of parents don't expect you to interact with/parent their children. They don't go to the playground thinking, "Ah, I'll just plonk myself down with my phone and look for someone else to parent my child for me". They go there so their kids can have free play.

But if they turn up at the playground and there's another parent there drawing a crowd with bubbles/their monster impression/pretending to be a snorting pig, what do you expect them to do?

I find it irritating too. I was put with my sister and her son recently. We were trying to chat, our children were off playing and we had another kid hovering on us.

I love other kids playing with mine if they are all off playing nicely but hovering with someone else's parents is an irritating problem.

It was more the part of 'the mother didn't engage them at all' comment that I was responding to. She is seeing one part of a whole day.

There is no need to be so rude, I didn't say they did exist to entertain my kids. I swear some MN users need to learn some basic manners.

Why do people assume that physical proximity makes them a better parent? Like some others on this thread, I find parents who hover in parks irritating. I make a considered (not ‘lazy’, even if it makes some people feel better to pretend to think so) choice to give my children age-appropriate freedom to play and socialise in the park while I engage primarily with other adults - my friends who are the parents of their friends. I don’t think it’s great parenting to encourage them to want to play with me exclusively, especially as OP describes being ‘exhausted meeting everyone’s needs’. Obviously the level of input she’s giving isn’t very enjoyable or sustainable for her, so why not try providing less instead of dismissing it as ‘lazy’?

You are seeing a snippet of someone's day, please don't judge.

I'm not judging, l'm stating facts.
I've seen children climbing out of trolleys (which they shouldn't be in in the first place) onto the conveyor belt, and the parents either ignore it or think it's funny. It's dangerous, and not my job to risk assess stuff like that.
They put their fingers on the conveyor belt while it's moving. I've lost count of the times where l've had to say "Mind your fingers, sweetheart," and not a word from the parents.
Twice, I've had to ask parents to remove very small children who they've actually PUT on the conveyor 'for a ride while the lady does the shopping'.
One dad looked bemused and said "Why?" - that child was about six months old. The belt moves. What if the child falls off?
I appreciate parenting is difficult and relentless. But when someone's either glued to their phone while packing their shopping with the other hand, or engaged in chatting with their friend and studiously ignoring what their children are doing in a busy supermarket, I can't keep an eye on what their little ones are doing while l'm trying to do my job.
I don't want a child injured or harmed when they're somewhere they shouldn't be. But l shouldn't have to ask the child to take their hands off a moving conveyor belt, or not to crawl around on the floor underneath me where there are electrical cables and the like. That's not my job.

we were always with ours in the soft play or next to them in the playground

Try to do this quite a bit less quite soon and you will solve at least 3 problems:

1. the tagging-along kids won't find you very interesting
2. your child(ren) will learn to play imaginatively without constant intervention from you
3. you won't turn into one of those helicopter parents who can really mess up their children's lives as they get older

As someone said, to an extent at least, you are the performative parent who is like a teacher / entertainer to the other kids. (Note, I was quite an 'attached parent' and certainly supervised little ones closely, but there are limits.)

It doesn't have to be a big deal. Sometimes I don't mind talking to a random kid for a bit. Now that mine are older, more often than not I'm not interested in supervising or engaging much with a random child that picks me out. You can discourage them by being a bit boring.
"Look at me!""Well done."
I just move on when I am ready to and do my own thing. I'm not supervising other people's kids unsolicited.
Then again, if I have doubts the kid is safe or supervised, I do make sure they aren't there alone.

Totally. If another adult said ‘go back to your mummy’ to my kid in the park I’d disabuse them both of that notion very quickly. Not that my children are particularly interested in random park mums because I haven’t set up the expectation that a park is where you go for 1:1 attention from an adult.

I find this tricky. I spent my childhood being told to stop bothering people or annoying people by my parents. I always feel like I'm annoying people as an adult and that people don't want to speak to me so I don't really make an effort with anyone. I wish I was more sociable but I never really learned how to be. I try not to say it to my kids unless I can see that they obviously don't want to be bothered. I have a 12 year old with ADHD and a 5 year old with ASD so they do talk to strangers quite often but most people are happy to talk to them. I think it's kind of a cultural thing too. In the UK people seem to be irritated by the presence of children. Other countries in Europe and Asia are quite different.

However, I do think some parents encourage their kids to do it so they don't need to watch the kids themselves. We had this on holiday once when a 4 year old latched onto my then 8 year old. We were talking to the parents for a bit who were following the 4 year old then they went and sat down at their table drinking cocktails and left their 4 year old with us. My son was playing with him for a bit then wandered off to a different area to play with other kids he'd made friends with and the 4 year old kept following him. I saw the mum go over and say something to my son so I called him over to ask what she said. She said to him can you stay in this area because my 4 year old keeps following you and he's not allowed over there. I told him he can go where he likes and play with who he likes and he's not responsible for that little boy, his parents are. Some people just want a free babysitter.

@Brieandcran

If an another parent started to make conversation with you, say a comment about the weather, would you tell them to go away?

OP, you need to do what my dds used to call my ‘scary eyes’ face - they’d request it, and then squeal and hide behind the sofa cushions. Great for fending off unwelcome brats, and I once used it on a very noisily whining child behind me in the supermarket queue. Most satisfactory, and even if the child said anything, how can a parent object to, ‘Mummy, that lady looked at me!’ 😈😈

I used to be a nanny before I had my son and always seem to attract kids but it’s never bothered me at all, a bit of a chat then they usually go off again I don’t see why it’s such an issue to you- it’s not like they’re coming home with you!

It depends on age. You can't leave a 1 or 2 year old by themselves in a park that's suitable for a range of ages. You have to hover to keep them safe but older kids will be free to explore by themselves and usually it's those kids that end up chatting to the adults. It's unreasonable to expect a parent to be hovering over an 8 year old though and calling them lazy for not doing so. I agree age-appropriate freedom is important for healthy development and if I'm on my phone while they're doing it I'm not neglecting them I'm just passing the time. I'm probably reading a book on the kindle app or looking up recipes but there's such judgement around phones and screen time compared to reading a physical book. People automatically think you're scrolling through social media.

I'm not sure I agree with the theory that these kids are just crying out for attention. Some children seek attention constantly if they got it 24/7 they would still seek more. I see it in pre school where I work and to be honest sometimes it's the kids who are used to attention that seek more, say an only child with SAHP. They constantly talk and check if they are being watched at the playground, like - Did you see me go up the step, look teacher I'm at the top etc. It is non stop. If one teacher ignores them they get annoyed and go find the other and do the same thing. They literally don't know how to just be.

We say things like I can see you all the time you don't need to tell me anymore, or I'm busy now with X but you can tell me all about it later. Always in a nice tone but they eventually get the hint

But that part of the day is when the parent needs to be engaged the most because their child's behaviour is impacting someone who is just trying to do her job.

The parent can be glued to their phone when it doesn't affect someone else.

It's ironic that you're talking to me about basic manners when you're letting your kids be rude to check out staff.

Agree with you. I must have a don't approach me vibe as it never happens when I'm with my toddler or newborn but I went to the park with a friend and her toddler and it was constant. I can't stand it. She teaches children dance classes so assume they find her more approachable.

@MiddleParking Because engaging with your kids is important. No not 100% of the time but if their needs are generally being met then they are not likely to be the kind of kids hanging off a parent at the park anyway! I've been there when our daughter was little and I wanted to get out the house and just spend some time 1-1 with her. I'd sit in the toddler bit at soft play, and help her build a tower or let her 'cook' me something and have seen children wandering around looking completely lost and try and show their parent something and their parent just ignore them completely. These are the kids that then see you interacting with your own kid and latch on. Now if they just want to join in with playing with my child and she was happy to, great, I've even then moved back and left them to it. But what the OP is describing is when the child is frustrated at being ignored and so tries to get you to watch them instead or constantly interrupts your conversations with your own child (not talking to the child but to you) that you are purposely out with to give them attention. If your child is so desperate for attention that they are trying to get it from a random stranger then no, I don't think they have been parented well. Because those that are and who are just chatty, outgoing kids, will have a parent intervene at some point not one that assumes everyone wants to entertain them just because they dare to be out in public with them whilst you are teaching them how to be independent. Part of being independent is, or should be at least, also learning to read the room and know when your behaviour is bothering someone else.

@LaMaG yes i agree with that on the whole, but those children, when not at school anyway, will also have a parent nearby who will take over. I was a chatty kid but my parents would always be nearby to steer me away if I tried to latch on to someone else

Yes that's true, they are usually hovering nearby. Unless mum is feeding a new baby and can't come over. Its just more the theory that they are usually attention starved than I don't necessarily agree with.

A cold stare and not replying usually works☺️

This is what I mean about assuming your physical proximity makes you a better parent - it’s patently obvious that engaging with your kids is important. But other things are important too - schematic play, imaginary play, coordination, socialising with other children. I disagree with you that the toddler area is a good place for you to have 1:1 time with your child, I think the toddler area is for toddlers and that if you go into it you can expect to be talked to by toddlers. I would not be correcting my toddler whose language is rapidly developing from talking to someone in a toddler area of soft play, whatever age they were. That is not because they’re not ‘parented well’ or lacking in attention or engagement. At a bus stop or a hospital waiting room, absolutely I wouldn’t let them instigate conversation or continue it longer than a few exchanges.

This thread is peak MN 😄

A child talking to you does not mean you are supervising them.

They are probably talking to you because you're one of the few adults there because your child is young and does need supervision. Once they're at school age you will be sat on a bench in the vicinity too or just lightly involved, checking in with them occasionally or pushing a swing.

When your child is older will you tell them that it's rude to talk to adults? Or only speak when spoken to? Just wondering how you're planning to navigate this?

In the meantime wear dark glasses at all times and kids will not be able to engage.

Some of you need to chill out on your phones with a coffee, clearly.