Is it normal to have had enough of parenting kids 18+

[Mamabear2424]

I am exhausted and drained parenting teens and young adults, is it normal to feel totally like 'im done'?? Of course will always be there for them no matter what but i feel i want time for me now, time to think about me a but more. Am I being unreasonable and can other parents understand ??

This sounds like the intolerance I feel when I think my primary age kids are asleep then one appears and needs parenting but on steroids! You think your shift is over and it starts again. You think you should have retired by now but they've kept you on!

Such an interesting thread...I've been thinking about today actually. I wonder if our biology is at odds with our society. Perhaps we are not actually meant to be parenting older teens and young adults? I mean 100 years ago, kids would leave school at 14, get a job and be pretty independent. They wouldn't need much actual parenting and looking after. We have lengthened childhood and adolescence. I think it makes women really impatient and fed up..it also often coincides with menopause so it's a miserable double whammy of the change of life with the drudgery of parenting.

I think we really need to look at the increased demands of parenting from the parents point of view too. It seems like we just focus on what's best for children a lot of the time and ignore the mum burning out in the background.

i get it @Mamabear2424

But I think we do our children no favours if we keep running about after them as if they are little kids.

It is really important for their development at that age to break free and fend for themselves.

Do you know i was thinking this too, that we arent biologically designed to parent this long so it causes burnout, exhaustion, resentment etc, it isn't the way its meant to be?

Although in ye olden days most women would have had more kids so would be parenting longer overall?

That's what I was thinking

I hear you op. My youngest is 17 and he's messy, loud, entitled, hungry, leaves wrappers everywhere, can't seem to keep his clean and dirty clothes separate. He is always anounci g "im hungry" like the house isn't full of food. I work ft, he is just sitting in his room.

My eldest is no work now. She has a job and studies.

D s is 18 and busy in his full time job which now makes him lovely and quiet to cope with throughout the week as he is tired in the evenings. Weekends however it is still involved as his dad's family all live far and although he is in touch with them and visits them every few months for a week at a time, the buck stops with me. I am constantly interrupted with his comments questions and chats. Which of course is a good thing but I am so tired of being his mum dad grandma brother sister you name it. There is literally nobody on my side as cousins all way older and very out of touch plus live miles away. My parents died long ago and I am an only chi ld. So we literally have nobody. If course it is great d s is now working and contributing but I would just love a half day no interruptions !!

He is very clean and tidy though and does many of his own meals. Just weekends I cook three evenings for us both. D s gets buses everywhere and I sold the car as no longer needed and was flipping sick of a car! I love all the exercise walking to local shops and bus stops. It is just the constant nattering lol!

True but maybe more of the family helped? Now it seems to all fall on the mother, who past 40 is probably shattered and peri menopausal,

Follow up to all the exhausted parents of young adults - how are you? Mine off are soon as almost uni time, yipee (but also will miss them of course not that heartless) I just need ME time and REST !!!!

I think between about 15 - 20 is as intense as 0-5 years in terms of needy children. My eldest is 25 and moved out but my 23, 17 and 14yo are at home. I'm a single parent so little day to day help.

Currently - 23yo living at home and while she pays a bit of housekeeping and tidies up the house now and then she is still living an easy lifestyle compared to having her own home (I moved into my own (rented) home when I was around 21).

My 17yo is at college so I need to pay bus passes (£320 a term) to get her there, take her to work (otherwise 2 buses each way which, tbf, she will do on weekdays if I'm working) and help her pay for driving lessons so that she can get herself to all those places without my help in future.

My 14yo is grumpy I had to work all summer hols, makes a lot of mess in kitchen without washing up, moans that her eldest sister hasn't moved out and she can't have a bigger room. Wants me to buy random expensive stuff.

I'm basically skint, getting up to ferry people everywhere and listening to constant grumbling. I am pretty much done with young adults too!

I can't quote a post with a quote...

Trying to c and p...

Comedycook
Such an interesting thread...I've been thinking about today actually. I wonder if our biology is at odds with our society. Perhaps we are not actually meant to be parenting older teens and young adults? I mean 100 years ago, kids would leave school at 14, get a job and be pretty independent. They wouldn't need much actual parenting and looking after. We have lengthened childhood and adolescence. I think it makes women really impatient and fed up..it also often coincides with menopause so it's a miserable double whammy of the change of life with the drudgery of parenting.

XXXX

Do you know i was thinking this too, that we arent biologically designed to parent this long so it causes burnout, exhaustion, resentment etc, it isn't the way its meant to be?

XXXX

I am here for this!!! I'm developing a theory akin to Sarah Knight and her fuck bucks. Do we have a finite allocation per child / lifetime? Have some of us gone early and spent up?

I am not having any more kids. I'd rather that they learn to cook, clean and wash for themselves. I couldn't do it all over again!!! << goes to check coil is firmly in place... >>

I agree that biologically i dont think mothers are meant to 'mother' so long, we get fed up, impatient and burnt out. I am 23 years in now and i am soooo done, done with actual parenting, its surprising how much there still is after 16 or 18.
I moved out at 21 and had my own house, i know its not that easy now but us poor mothers are having too long a run at it......

Comedy Christ yes. I think it was Gordon Ramsay and his wife. Four kids last one off to Uni….ta da - new baby! Are they actually fucking insane?

Past a certain age you need to develop healthy boundaries, like one would with a good old friend or a sibling. I have 4 - I have accepted I am not responsible for them past a certain age and they make their own decisions and I have taught them to be independent and learn from their mistakes aka every type of failure/heart ache is a learning opportunity. Above all I have taught them to have free will and never let anyone control them.

I have an aunt that has 5DC and 14 grandchildren. She still runs around all of them as if they were under 6. She is run ragged and the type of person who is inherently kind and serves others. No way could I do that. I am happy to listen and input like a close friend would and be there for my DC. However, by 21 they need to own their own mistakes.

Also you just parented far far less intensively. You weren’t expected to get involved in every aspect of your children’s lives until they die or you do. Children played out and adults didn’t really involve themselves in children’s friendships. You got what you got at school without your parents breathing down your neck. My GPs were basically adults at 14- they’d left school and were working FT. Plus children were expected to pull their weight in the house etc.

Another example is Uni-

When my dad left school c 1967 ( he did a levels) he went on the bus to town to look for a job as a chemists assistant. The manager of Boots suggested he go to Uni and gave him the number of the Uni about 70 miles away. DF called them. They accepted him and told him how to apply for a grant. He went home and presented this to his DM as a fait accompli. She was just like “oh right- ok then”. Imagine that now.

FF to me. I went to Uni. I chose which ones which basically no input from parents. I went to open days and interviews on my own on the train or with my mates. I filled out the finance/ accommodation forms and posted them. I packed my stuff and DP dropped me off and then picked me up again at Christmas

FF to now “ what tog duvet will DD need at Durham?” “ DSs flatmates are too noisy. What should I do?” “Dd doesn’t like her course….”

I’m looking forward to my son going back to Uni in a few weeks! Largely due to the home cooking, he’s a big fan of pasta and home made sauces. He’s working, so yes he can cook but he’s working full time and not back until 8/9pm. My DD is 15 and so much more self sufficient, cooks her own dinner through choice! Yes I could make DS do all his own cooking and washing (and fresh shirt every day) as I know he can do it, but my mum still likes cooking me dinner etc now when I visit and I’m 46!

Totally agree that parents are so much more involved these days. Parents wouldn’t have attended open days for Uni when I went, not a chance. We went on a few days away and stayed in a hotel in Scotland for DS, no doubt the same for DD when the time comes. But I absolutely loved all the uni open days, I helped create a shortlist, I loved that side of parenting older kids. Plenty of things I don’t like though, my biggest bugbear is the school run. DD has low iron issues linked to periods (pretty bad, she needed a blood transfusion during first period) so I’ve been driving her to school every day still. She starts year 11 next week. Plus there’s a woods she would need to walk though that was linked (20-30yrs ago but still) sex attacks on school girls. I am going to throw a party on the last school run, I’ve been doing them for 25yrs now as DS1 is nearly 30!

Being in a Uni parents group on FB these are exactly the kind of questions asked. I felt like a bit of a terrible parent last year when there was constant posts of mothers distraught whereas DS and I had a hug, be careful, off you go! One mother said she needed to go and see the GP as she was that distraught her son had gone to Uni. I think that’s quite sad, as I guess the mother doesn’t have a life outside of being a parent. That’s one thing I’ve always ensured I do, have a life outside of kids. Holidays without them, plenty of nights out etc. I’m Natdyza not just x’s mum.

My child starts uni this month. 6 months ago my other child started a career that requires him to live away. I will have an empty house for the first time in 21 years. I will miss them but now it’s my time to get on with my life. There is so much I want to do and so many places I want to visit.

my child arranged their own uni visits and short lists. Just like I did 40 years ago. He will have a ensuite room that looks like a premier inn room. I had a shared bathroom with 20 other students. I had never stayed in a hotel without my parents or traveled as much as these kids have. They will be fine. It will be tough but I’ve equipped him with the skills he needs. He can iron, cook, communicate, drink etc

Absolutely this. It made me laugh, and then made me sigh.

Going off piste here, but it really pisses me off that my own DM who very much parented like a 70s / 80s mother, suggests that I am under-parenting my own DCs when they have to walk 20 minutes to their secondary school. "Oh, will they not be cold / tired / need a lift?" 😏The hypocrisy!

FFS! She was happy for me to walk about 3 miles to school each way when I was about 8 years old!

@FluffyFlannery
Tbh, I couldn't imagine feeling like the OP when mine were younger either.

Chances are, you might reach that mindset at some point.

I actually think it's normal and bordering on healthy in a way to get a bit exasperated with them. If we never felt completely bogged down with them, we'd never want to encourage them to become more independent, and that isn't in anyone's best interests, least of all our DCs.

The flip side would be better, obviously: that they are already completely self sufficient and independent, but when they aren't quite there yet, we have every right to come on here and have a moan!

I have toughened up recently, for example, if they don't clear up after themselves, (even if it's just hairs left in the shower,) I won't clear that up, I call them to come and do it - and quote my catchphrase: "Life skills!"

Doing that inconveniences them rather than me. I do this with everything now and it's starting to pay off, but I should have done this from when they were really young.

At one time I'd have gone round cleaning up after the like an absolute mug, but I'm not a fucking maid, and they need to know this.