Is it normal to have had enough of parenting kids 18+

[Mamabear2424]

I am exhausted and drained parenting teens and young adults, is it normal to feel totally like 'im done'?? Of course will always be there for them no matter what but i feel i want time for me now, time to think about me a but more. Am I being unreasonable and can other parents understand ??

I have three teens with additional needs no father no support.
I wfr for a break and my sanity.

I don't think it's healthy to sacrifice everything for your kids...it also dosn't set the best example. You still need to be you.

So glad so many resonate with me, i am exhausted and drained a lot, i love them and will always be supportive but after so long of parenting (20 years now) i fee, tired iykwim. My brain hurts ,I think i am ready for 'me' again.

My DC are 12/15. I can see how you get to where you are op. You know what blows my mind? Women who have twenty year age gaps between their kids. I wouldn't do it again for a million quid.

i know, whats all that about, why why why! You just start to see a glimmer of hope on the horizon for time back to yourself and then have another? maddness

I agree! I didn’t even want to go back to the baby phase when my oldest was 4, let alone 14!

Mine are 28, 20 , 12 and 10 , so Ive done it a few times. Certainly don't feel like I'm still parenting the older ones though

I was just listening to a podcast on the Soviet/Nazi battles on the eastern front towards the end of WW2. There was an extract from the diary of a tank commander (not just a soldier in the tank, but commanding a tank in this enormous, important battle). He was 19 years old. And now we have 19 year olds that can't work a washing machine or book themselves a GP appointment.

I don't know exactly how we have managed, as a society, to infantalise our young to such an extent, but it is really shocking how incapable we have made our young people.

(And no, I don't think a state of warfare is preferable, before anyone harps on...)

I said this the other day at a family gathering and by the look my mum in law gave me I don't think she agreed with me🤣🤣. They had 4 kids but my husband was left regularly from 8 year old after school, did their own snacks and dinner etc. All left their home by 17 etc. I also don't remember parents being expected to entertain kids back in the 80's 🤣

I don't know exactly how we have managed, as a society, to infantalise our young to such an extent
Deliberate policy, to keep them out of the workforce, freeing up jobs for 'adults'. Learned that at university in the 1980s. Raising of school leaving age (is it 18 now in UK?), treating people as children until they're in their mid-twenties, prohibitive cost of accommodation away from the family home... all that stuff. My gran was caught out by the raising of the school leaving age to 14 - she already had her clogs and shawl ready to start work at the mill. At 17 she was the breadwinner and caring for her disabled mother. Young people are ready for responsibility far younger than we allow it - but we want to protect them because the world is a dangerous place for the unwary and we love them.

My dh left home at 17...my Ds is 15. Can't imagine him moving out in 18 months time. Once dh left home, his mum pretty much had no input in his day to day life. Her actual window of parenting was a lot shorter than mine will be. I have friends who have lived at home until well into their thirties. Even my friends who have left home and got their own places and have children, still bizarrely defer to their parents on every issue. So for example, if they make a big purchase or decorate their house, their parents will deal with it or have a disproportionate input. Its a bit odd...like they're not real adults.

One of the most irritating things, I find, is that at the same time, my DD (23) is very critical of us - our attitudes (nowhere near right on enough etc), the food in the fridge (why is there never anything to eat in this house etc), our lack of patience (quite thin on the ground) etc etc

It is indeed profoundly irritating Figmentofmyimagination, but don’t worry it’s a good sign. In order to individuate, out dc first have to reject us to a degree and that means turning their backs on our values and food and lifestyle too. It means that your dd is well on her way to becoming an independent adult.

I wonder if the falling birth rate is an unintended consequence of this. I mean if you have to actively parent them beyond 18 and finance higher education and home deposits for your offspring is it any wonder you don't want more than 1 or 2?

Falling birth rate - blame nhs and welfare system. Thinking the state will provide leads us into the risk of not producing sufficient offspring to support us if things go tits up.

Also responsible is consumerism. If you have to have all the 'things', you don't want to be spending money on raising more children than absolutely necessary.

Then, there's progress. It is almost impossible to make progress, financially, or improve your standard of living, if you're tied to a number of children and to an extended family. The nuclear family (as was) is necessary to free up adults (or one adult out of two) to make progress.

The idea of providing home deposits for offspring is something of current generations. I'm 65. When I was around 20, two sprogs that age could earn enough to buy a small house and get on the housing ladder. The same kind of house now would be around £150,000 to £200,000. Deposits are phenomenally high, so parents try to help out. I've reached the stage where my dd helps me, I've been ill for years and there's nothing left. But if I had money, yes, I'd help her. You'd have to be really quite well off to do that for each of your four children if you had them.

Yeah but this is meant to happen at 17, not 23!!

Well today I have sent DS1 (16) off to visit his grandparents on the train alone. He has to change trains and will do the return journey alone tomorrow.

He has never been on a train alone before but I suggested this as he was getting bored after his GCSEs and thought it would be great to build his confidence.

I had far more independence at that age but had a lot more friends too.

You can love and care about your child without sacrificing your whole life to them. I think it's bad for children to have parents who do everything for them. One of our key jobs is to encourage them to become independent and sort out their own lives. One of my DCs (not yet at uni) is very independent and is more than happy to travel around everywhere by public transport, to get jobs in the holidays so they can do and buy what they want, to cook their own meals, etc. Their older sibling is much more entitled and is pissed off if they're expected to get a bus rather than be given a lift, etc.

Absolutely agree. Fluffery flannery probably has a small child at the moment so no concept of this post!

18 year old here and feel exactly the same, whilst taught cooking and cleaning from a young age its just as though they were taught weoponised incompetence at school......drives me mad! Also have a 49 year old like this!!!! Long holiday on my own feels way overdue!

Was it Gordon Ramsays wife that had a baby just as the youngest of their older kids about to leave home? I find that incredible. Why the hell on gods earth would you do that to yourself! My worst nightmare.

I am totally burnt out op. I feel your pain.

Technically, I could make them walk 3 miles to the bus stop. Ignore their problems, tell them to do their own food shopping, refuse to go out for dinner with them and take no interest in them whatsoever- of course I could do that tomorrow.

but I love the bones of my teens, they are amazing people but it is hard work! Correction: they are just being young, it’s me, I no longer have the energy to power through. Permanently exhausted, flagging and need to carve out more time to rest/enjoy silence without the constant activity around me. I have never been so tired.

If your marriage had hit the buffers…yes I know - still wouldn’t!

Is that why she had another baby, to save the marriage??

Adore my DH but would I have a baby at 48 to keep him?! Err no. I would rather be on my own!