Is it normal to have had enough of parenting kids 18+

[Mamabear2424]

I am exhausted and drained parenting teens and young adults, is it normal to feel totally like 'im done'?? Of course will always be there for them no matter what but i feel i want time for me now, time to think about me a but more. Am I being unreasonable and can other parents understand ??

But sadly, unlike on David Attenburgh you're not allowed to growl at them and chase them off your patch.

You know what, even as i typed that (did you not go to your mum or dad bit) i was thinking, no, actually i didn't! 😂But i assume most people could, as kids.

I had a pretty disfunctional relationship with my mother, with regards to being able to talk to her or ask advice without being put down or treated like a fool. So i relied on myself.

It was lonely at times and I wanted different for my DCs and am happy they feel can come to me. But there's 4 of them and just lately their problems have been pretty full on and all at bloomin' once!

Honestly I find mine quite light work these days as they get older.
But part of that is me pulling back the support. They figure out how to be more self sufficient pretty quickly when they have to be - and surprise surprise, they actually like it.

Can I just say, if one more person on mn mentions that 'their brains don't fully develop until they are 25 dontcha know' my head might just pop off my shoulders 😂
Whilst this may be factually correct, it didn't seem to stop previous generations moving out, finding partners, getting married and starting families well before the ripe old age of 25!
I do think we baby young adults for far too long (I am guilty of this) and we have stunted an entire generation.
It wasn't that long ago in the history of the human race that teenagers were expected to marry and have their own families/run households at 14 years old. I am obviously not suggesting we go back to that but it does show they are perfectly capable of managing even with their under developed brains.
I feel your pain OP, I reckon I have at least another 10 years to go.......

I have been parenting for 30+ years too and I am pretty much sick of it! Unfortunately my youngest is only 13 and very young for her age so I have some way to go yet. 🙄

Omg yes! I'm finding myself tired much more than the baby stage! I just want them to be independent and stop relying on me so much! But like a PP said other parents do it so looks mean if I don't!

I don't know. Whilst it's true childhood (life?)was harder and in someways they had responsibilities younger, the age of majority was only reduced to 18 (from 21) in 1969

I find hâving other adults in my space irritating. Even if I created them. I'm ready for them to continue to fly the nest now.

I think it depends what happens in their lives and just like with every other stage of parenting, it doesn't pay to be smug when you don't know what's round the corner.

A year ago DS1 was about to move out into his first home with GF, then they split up and there was all the trauma of that to deal with and DS2 was apparently flying in a highly sought after apprenticeship, until he stopped coping following his father's death. If you really think you'd be "light touch" in a period like that, bully for you!

I’m well past those days now, but I think my main concern was the worry, especially when they came home late at night and yes they had plenty of lifts! They eat you out of house and home then say there is nothing to ear! Their social lives need funding, there is the worry of what they will do when their education finishes, affording uni fees if appropriate, the worry of drugs, knives a d the general feeling of society being so unstable. Yea, lots of worries!

Mine are still young (12 and 10) but I’m amazed at some of the things my friends do with older ones like take them to uni open days (I would have died if my parents came plus it was enormous fun heading off around the country with a friend to see places/check out the men), drive them everywhere even when there are buses etc. One friend, when we’re in the gym will get message after message from her 18 year old and she said how drained she is from the constant contact and questions about every little thing.
Having watched all this I’ve made a concerted effort to draw back, not affection, but practical doing stuff and my kids have just stepped up and got on with things. They were super reliant before but now they sort out all their own school stuff, organise their own food, clear up etc. They’re far from perfect but I have found that the more I do, the less they bother (of course!) but when I do rein it in, they just do things for themselves.

I'll second this.

Can relate to the comment how annoying they re late teens - early 20's and its nartures way , you start to want them to go and it feels ok!!!

😂

Yea, it's too much, especially for mothers.
Attachment theory is one stick to beat us with, but our ancestors had multiple attachments to various friends and family so it was spread out, a village of attachment.

Now with the very new nuclear family the burden is mostly on the mother to perform this role far longer than biology dictates. Mother /baby hormones last two to four years, not into young adulthood.

Sometimes I think a mothers love has been weaponised against us, and we must prove how much we love by sacrificing ourselves. Quite handy for men and children in a nuclear family situation but not so much for mothers.

Yes i took mine to open days, respond to texts, I'm asked to remind them of things, sometimes do lifts, its exhausting mentally

spot on

I agree @Mamabear2424

My dd is 11 and l am there already!

I feel the same, my oldest still lives at home at 24 and his two brothers are home from uni for the summer. I get a taste of greater freedom then they come back. I can't seem to build up enough momentum in my personal goals.
All of mine are either autistic or have ADHD. The youngest is the least affected but has plenty of young person selfishness and thoughtlessness going on.
What doesn't help is that you can't moan to friends about it or you get a helpful lecture about how they should just make their own tea, sort themselves out.
They are making progress, just more
slowly than I anticipated!

I'm done with Parenting but never did the helicoptering of my now young adult DC.

He is quite independent and says his peers are so immature!

People criticised me here and irl when he was younger for leaving him home alone, not having bedtimes, expecting him to make his own drinks/snacks etc from a young age. But now he has resilience others his age dont seem to have.

I do give him lifts on occasion and do provide food when he's running low but we have an adult/adult relationship not a dependent child/parent one.

Oh I love this thread and the fact that I've also 'found my people'. Grew in a quite disfunctional environment and swore to be different with my kids. That is probably why they are now in their 40's and still causing me sleepless nights - my fault I suppose as I've always taken their problems on board because no one took notice of me. Doesn't help that they are both single and don't seem to have the type of friends that they can speak to like mum! Added to that I've been married for 47 years and some days it just feels like not one of them, hb included, can find their own arses without my input 😉 I dream of time alone as hb and I both retired from a business we ran jointly and all I can say to what I presume is most of you - just wait till the love of your life is at home every day, you'll want to kill him. Sorry, little off track there, just baring my soul.

My 2 are 21 & 25 now. Apart from occasional lifts and my insistence of reminding them to see the dentist once a year they are pretty self sufficient. I don't do anything for them and I expect them to help out in the house if I need them to.

The youngest will be leaving to live in London in august, the oldest will stay here until he's saved enough to move out.

But yes, I was done by the time they were 17/18. I enjoyed the time they were away at uni and, even though they don't need me and are hardly ever here, I won't be upset when they leave. Now if they need stuff or want to get out of doing something they ask their dad who is finding it much harder than me to believe they are fully functioning adults.

I do love having them around though, I just don't mind if it's not all the time.

You're buying your adult child food and bragging about how independent he is? 😆

I've been a parent for 28 flipping years, my youngest is nearly 18. Turns out me and the DC are ND. I am so worn out I could run away some days!!!

I love them I will continue to support them but I could never have imagined just how drained and fatigued I would be. I'm sure peri/the menopause doesn't help.