Is it normal to have had enough of parenting kids 18+

[Mamabear2424]

I am exhausted and drained parenting teens and young adults, is it normal to feel totally like 'im done'?? Of course will always be there for them no matter what but i feel i want time for me now, time to think about me a but more. Am I being unreasonable and can other parents understand ??

I sympathise!move out, charge the three of them
Market rent and leave them too ot whilst you enjoy espresso martinis in a city centre location. We're the new teenagers!

Totally understand. It's exhausting.

I look back fondly on the days where I had them in bed by 7pm and it was so much easier.

Teens are difficult - and I am so tired,.

I still have one younger one too and feel guilty as iI am so exhausted by the teenagers.

I wish I had more energy for her.

I think it's natures way of preparing you for an empty home. The same way toddlers are hard work so we're glad when they can go to pre-school. Teenagers are very self-centred and so it's good that they move on.

I think also nowadays many stay home longer as rent and student loans make it hard to save for a house.

@Mamabear2424 17 and 18 here, and it’s way worse than when they were both tiny and coping with colic and separation anxiety at the same time.

They know everything, until they fuck it up. Their rooms make me want to vomit. The lifts. All.the.fucking.time: to work, school bs, friends. Helping them deal with MH issues. Money. Food. The food. More money.

I love them but rn I wish I could run away with the dog 😞

Amen sista!!

Loving your child deserves an eye roll? Says a lot about you.

And this comment says a lot about you too - loud and clear that you don't have a fucking clue what you are talking about. I hope you remember this in years to come. Maybe you shouldn't comment on what you don't understand.

Plus I hope your saintly SAHM superiority doesn't come to a crashing halt in a few years when your DH decides to trade you in for a younger model, and you have no means of supporting yourself... Don't kid yourself - it happens!

You have so much to learn...

I can really relate to this. Solo mum.

But we have an excellent transport system here and he's travelled lots so very independent. Has his own place. But still treats his room here like he's a teenager... 🙄

I am also a stay at home mother and I don't care my child is 12, 24 or 54, she will always be my priority in life.

Of course your children are a priority in life. But if at the age of 24 or 54 they have "failed to launch" in life, you have "failed" as a parent. Read enough posts on here on adult sons still living with their ageing parents. How will they cope when their parents die?

Our task as parents is to help them become independent. Birds throw their young out of the nest at the right time to learn to fly.

Definitely...mine are in are in their late 20,'s now. Haven't lived with me for 7/8 years, apart from a few months on and off during covid. During which time they reverated to teenagers trashing Thier rooms and staying up all night on
devices
Yet l still get phone calls asking me can l sort out something for them that I'm sure they could Google the answer for. I literally spent 30 mins telling my daughter how she needed travel insurance yesterday, don't know where l went wrong, l was a single parent and they were quite independent as teenagers, l love them dearly but at there ages l was a mum to 2 and I'm pretty sure l wasn't on the phone to my mum asking her what suitcase should l take on holiday

I remember reading in a Nigella cookbook of all places, her commenting that (I'm paraphrasing from memory) something along the lines of her being sandwiched between looking after children, then looking after parents and "her time" never seeming to materialise.

This was years ago (I think it was in her book Feast) and it really resonated that could be my fate.

I think it's partly because we are generally having children in our 30's rather than twenties, so we end up with more potential crossover between parenting and looking after ailing parents.

That said, I think there is a much higher expectation of what parenting is today and it generally seems (as with care of elderly parents) to fall to women to do the lion's share.

I think my parents were good, but looking back they didn't have to do half as much parenting as I have. Things like after school activities for example. Or playing taxi (I remember regularly cycling 5 miles to my friends house and them also in return) but there is no way I would let my child do that at the age I did (from about 12). The traffic no is so much worse than it was.

I've definitely done my best to teach independence skills - such as cooking/laundry/housekeeping etc and that's fine and
not an issue now as young adults.

However I definitely notice a lack of resilience/self reliance compared to myself at the same age - some of which I find odd when so much information is available on the internet to solve issues that I never had (such as bus times, how to fix a bike puncture etc).

I'm not "done" but I am making a conscious to step back and let them "fail" post 18 years old.

I have come to think that not allowing them to "fall" sometimes means they never learn how to pick themselves up or even realise they can and better, to learn from those experiences.

Great, I'm already exhausted and mine is only 2 😬

Alot of things they can and should do for themselves by teens. ( Like remembering to wash and dry their uniform for weekend job etc). But no, I fully expect it to be in some small aspects, a job for life. My eldest is 25 and lives 300 miles away now but often calls me asking for advice re relationship problems. To be honest, it's an honour. It can drive me mad when I just want to sit down and watch shite telly but at least he knows he can talk to his mammy.

@BreadInCaptivity so true! My kids have been taken to job and college/uni interviews etc by car. When I was their age , I was told by my parents where to get a bus timetable and that was that. No lifts. My da worked away most of the time and mum didn't drive! And I cycled everywhere too!

Oh god. Mine are 2 and 5 and this is very depressing reading 🤣 thank you for your long service mums of teens, please send all your wisdom and experience!!

Mine are still a bit entitled. There's not much volunteering to do things round the house, they have to be asked but then they do a reasonable job. They don't ask for advice much but I have always tried to make them independent, so working out which platform we needed on a journey, or making them pay in shops, helping me cook, that kind of thing. Partly because my mother didn't encourage me to learn any practical skills (in fact she discouraged me and made me feel useless every time I tried) and I didn't want my kids to feel like that. So they never ask me how to get anywhere or much about job hunting or relationships.

My youngest didn't ask me any questions about where he wanted to go for Uni and he went on his own visits like I did, so there's definitely some independence there. The older one still lives at home but is planning to move out asap. We're encouraging this by enabling him to save as not charging rent. If he wasn't actively saving we wouldn't let him live rent free though.

I completely get how exhausting it is though OP. My teens coming into adolescence while I was perimenopausal didn't help! I wish I'd been able to get them to be tidier/help with chores at a younger age.

There's quite a few posters on this thread who appear to be quite smug for not doing anything at all for their teenagers.

And yet, the posts that detail what the parents who empathise with the op do for their teenagers cover - being a listening ear for problems, driving to after school sports when public transport isn't available, being the person your child comes to for support etc

I'm not sure why one would be so proud to do nothing for their teenagers.

the waking up.................dont !!! I do this most days with young adults............................

Honestly mama's out there , this post has been a revelation! I thought maybe I was in a minority but hey ho most definitely not, thank you we need each other to support before we all run off Shirley Valentine style................

This reading threads like this that make me so grateful I brought up my kids to be independent and self sufficient. As a single FT working mum for many years, that's how our lives were. My youngest took a local bus at 10 to get to school and back. I used to leave home at 7am. Both kids had to wake up, get up, get ready and leave on time. They had to call me when they arrived to school and when they got home.

They are now in their early 20s and totally self sufficient. No worries just enjoying their company. I still advise them but as you do with friends or adults in the family. I'm enjoying this time the most. Still close as no family of their own yet but not in my way.

Many people criticized me when they were young saying I was expecting too much of them and it wasn't fair on them.

The travel thing is interesting. We’re currently living in the U.K. in a lovely little village with fuck all in terms of travel options. There is one bus that services town, takes 90 minutes to do a 20 minute drive. Where we lived in Sydney, kids got the local bus to and from school and could get around on bus and train more easily, which I think fosters a level of independence that outweighs the simple travel (most kids got the train or bus from 8/9 years old). It means they can problem solve if a bus doesn’t turn up, have to check times, know if they dawdle they’ll have to wait longer for the next bus etc. Equally, if you live somewhere with minimal travel options it could be very difficult.
I know if we stayed here I wouldn’t stay in a village like this, although it’s nice, it just isn’t ideal for teens.
But friends of mine who bought in the lovely villages when they had tiny kids are kind of stuck now as you don’t want to move for a few years, but it does mean driving kids around long after they should be more independent.
I grew up in a village and it was wonderful as a young child but as a teen it was a pain. I had to fork out on taxis from the local station or cycle and the roads were a lot less busy 30 years ago. My parents did drive me some places, but if I was out late I was expected to do train and taxi.

If it's the lifts that are really grating can you afford driving lessons?

I wonder how many of us gave it our all in an attempt not to be as piss poor as our own parents?
For example, I have a real issue with my kids always having a shower and wearing clean clothes/pjs. Obviously this created/creates a lot of washing!
On top of that I work full time, do all of the lifts, keep the house in decent order and am generally their emotional support human!
My youngest is 13 so I probably have to deal with this for in excess of ten more years (obviously they will be doing their own laundry for some of that time!) and it feels like it's never ending.
I have very easy, well mannered and well behaved children. I am very lucky in this respect but it is the relentless need for me to be somewhere or do something for them that means I never get to switch* *off.
I am glad they have full lives, that is what I always wanted for them but it is bloody hard work to maintain.
I can't even blame menopause, I'm not even 40 yet!

Two of mine can drive, one has their own car and will give the others lifts sometimes. It’s when they are going out and having a drink that’s the issue mostly. TBF they don’t go out excessively.

@Mamabear2424 I could have written your post. Solidarity to all in that phase of life with late teens/early adults.

I think we put so much emphasis on babies in this country - we take classes, have groups, get leave from work. But the reality is, in so many ways, it is the older kids that need you as much - though differently. More emotionally for sure which doesn't have the same 'that's done' feeling as baby fed, bathed and in bed. It can feel relentless trying to help teens navigate life, applications, friendships, school and the list goes on and on and on.

Add into that neurodiversity and that duality of chronological age vs developmental age and it's even harder. I do not judge any parent who has poured into their dc for almost two decades and absolutely needing to find space for themselves again.

I have a wide age range of dc and can honestly say I found there is this emotional shift when dc hit those later teen years where it's a bit like burnout in some ways. It just all of a sudden can feel huge and unrelenting and maybe waiting for that next stage with them? Part of this is that tension I think between their reality vs reality. Sometimes they think they need more than they do and other times that pushing you away when they aren't yet able to do things independently with some of the bigger things.

I love all my dc deeply and of course would and have done many many things for them at a cost to myself. But I begrudge no parent for not finding that hard, grating, challenging sometimes and being ready to see their dc launch and thrive in ways that don't include quite so much for their parents.

Solidarity.

Exactly so much support for babies / toddlers / younger kids but its bloody hard with young adults in many ways yet not much support out there.