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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it normal to have had enough of parenting kids 18+

205 replies

Mamabear2424 · 26/06/2023 18:03

I am exhausted and drained parenting teens and young adults, is it normal to feel totally like 'im done'?? Of course will always be there for them no matter what but i feel i want time for me now, time to think about me a but more. Am I being unreasonable and can other parents understand ??

OP posts:
Aliceinunderland · 26/06/2023 19:10

I've found my people! Mine are 23 and 19 and they require more of my time and energy now than they did when they were younger! I'm exhausted and stressed. I get things are tougher now but they seem to have no resilience to things that happen in life and I am baffled what I did or didn't do that made them like that. I probably overcompensated because I was a single parent. I can't bear it now and often dream of moving away and leaving them to it.

Mamabear2424 · 26/06/2023 19:13

Aliceinunderland · 26/06/2023 19:10

I've found my people! Mine are 23 and 19 and they require more of my time and energy now than they did when they were younger! I'm exhausted and stressed. I get things are tougher now but they seem to have no resilience to things that happen in life and I am baffled what I did or didn't do that made them like that. I probably overcompensated because I was a single parent. I can't bear it now and often dream of moving away and leaving them to it.

hello fellow person , i have also found my people !!

OP posts:
Pythacalling702 · 26/06/2023 19:14

FluffyFlannery · 26/06/2023 18:35

Was your child aware of this?

I'm rather flabbergasted. My mother sacrificed everything for me and in my darkest moments, it has always been her love and devotion that has helped me through. I feel the same way towards my own child.

I am also a stay at home mother and I don't care my child is 12, 24 or 54, she will always be my priority in life.

Whilst I agree that in our darkest moments the love of parents is often the thing that gets us through, I no longer believe that it is optimum for a mother (as it is usually only mothers to whom this phrase is applied, not fathers, funny that!) sacrifice “everything” for their dc. Why is this seen as beneficial for either party?

Especially when your dc are older. At a certain point, teens stop needing hands on parenting and want and need a decent role model instead: a functioning adult with a job perhaps, or if not a job then a balance of hobbies and interests and activities. It’s far too much pressure on dc to know that their parent has sacrificed “everything” for them surely?

And what does it actually mean anyway? That they have sacrificed their career prospects, health, chance of a decent relationship, chance to study?

In the context of this thread though, especially now that so much more is demanded of parents, I think it is entirely normal to feel somewhat “spent” by the time your dc are at uni, as by that time you have done 20 years or so of hands-on parenting, housework, cooking, juggling of everyone’s needs, basically facilitating everyone else’s requirements… and at this point I think it’s entirely normal for the average woman to want some time back to focus on themselves for a while before the grandchildren arrive!

illiterato · 26/06/2023 19:17

As a parent of younger kids I find these threads helpful in that they give me more confidence to go against the grain and give mine more independence now and avoid temptation to micromanage. intensive parenting doesn’t necessarily equal “good” parenting

Beezknees · 26/06/2023 19:22

I was a parent myself at 18, living on my own and did everything myself! I certainly didn't have my mum running around after me and wouldn't dream of expecting her to give me lifts, etc. Not saying that having kids at 18 is a great life path but I really do think some people baby their adult kids far too much!

I have a 15yo and I absolutely do not remind him of things or give him lifts anywhere. He needs to learn independence and how to become a functioning adult.

Comety · 26/06/2023 19:27

I'm finding parenting young adults the hardest part yet. They have rwal.probelsm you can't solve now but you still feel like it's your job to help them and you don't get much at all back from them.

I had stepped away a bit then trying to convince myself they're adults and they need to solve their own problems. Then DS2 had a complete breakdown following a bereavement....I don't know how to help, he won't accept the help offered, which as an adult is his right but it's still my job to fix him and currently to feed clothe and house him

Flidina · 26/06/2023 19:31

I've been a parent for 40 years now, 6 kids, just 2 still at home, 15 and 17, and I'm just about done, but it never really ends does it?. Even when they're grown and flown, they still come back with various problems and catastrophes, I just hope I live long enough so they have to do for me for a change! 😂

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 26/06/2023 19:31

I hear you op, mine are 22 and 19, youngest is at Uni, eldest dropped out in 2nd year and came home while he figured out what to do with his life.
One year on and I'm really ready for him to move out. He's not even very demanding, just untidy and lazy and I'm just done with either biting my tongue and clearing up after him or complaining to him and getting him to do it. He is talking about moving in September 🤞

I have been a single parent for the last 10 years and don't consider myself to have been a helicopter parent at all but have definitely tolerated behaviour that my parents never would have.
But I'm definitely done.

Stickybackplasticbear · 26/06/2023 19:36

I'm sure it must be hard, there's so many expectations on young people today and so much pressure to lay foundations for. A good life. I wanted to comment though to say even if you are knackered still be there for them while maybe encouraging practical independence. As my parents I felt basically stopped parenting me at about 15.

CopperSeahorses · 26/06/2023 19:40

I love the bones of my (now adult) kids but that doesn't mean there haven't been times when I could cheerfully have locked them in the chicken shed and given away the keys. I think it's entirely normal to have had enough of them sometimes, I have no doubt that sometimes they have had enough of me too but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't go to the ends of the earth for them.

Pythacalling702 · 26/06/2023 19:49

CopperSeahorses · 26/06/2023 19:40

I love the bones of my (now adult) kids but that doesn't mean there haven't been times when I could cheerfully have locked them in the chicken shed and given away the keys. I think it's entirely normal to have had enough of them sometimes, I have no doubt that sometimes they have had enough of me too but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't go to the ends of the earth for them.

Yes of course! Exactly this ^^ !

As an aside, I think the difference now is the mental health element. I was raised in the late sixties and seventies where as a you pretty much had to conform and get on with it and not many adults were listening to the actual child, never mind the inner one!

And now we are much more aware of things like attachment theory and validation and listening and SEN and ND and we parent (hopefully) much more sensitively and yet our dc don’t seem to be as resilient and independent?

Why is that? It’s so confusing! In theory, they should be more so!

willow7612 · 26/06/2023 19:52

Completely understand this! My DC are generally really independent, helpful and take responsibility for their own stuff. Sometimes though I still want to just exist, without having to consider what they have planned and whether they need a lift somewhere. Single parent for years too which doesn't help as I'm the only one who can do it.

I love my DC and will always be there if they need me but also looking forward to being able to prioritise myself occasionally too.

Dominoeffecter · 26/06/2023 19:54

FluffyFlannery · 26/06/2023 18:35

Was your child aware of this?

I'm rather flabbergasted. My mother sacrificed everything for me and in my darkest moments, it has always been her love and devotion that has helped me through. I feel the same way towards my own child.

I am also a stay at home mother and I don't care my child is 12, 24 or 54, she will always be my priority in life.

🙄

N4ish · 26/06/2023 19:57

illiterato · 26/06/2023 19:17

As a parent of younger kids I find these threads helpful in that they give me more confidence to go against the grain and give mine more independence now and avoid temptation to micromanage. intensive parenting doesn’t necessarily equal “good” parenting

Yes @illiterato , that’s the clear message I get from threads like these. Really don’t want to be micromanaging my adult kids lives so need to work on independence now.

heartsinvisiblefury · 26/06/2023 20:01

@FluffyFlannery Smug Mother of the Year award 🥇 winner right there!

Knackeredmommy · 26/06/2023 20:01

Same @Globules. I started working as soon as my NI card came at 15. Got my own car at 17 and married at 22 after my degree. I told my DS to look for work when he turned 16 and school actually discouraged him and said he needs to fully focus on A levels. Childhood is getting longer and longer, but we're really not doing them any favours. I can't deal with 3 months of him lazing around the house on his phone! He needs a job, not just for money, but for the social aspect. Both of my kids are very book smart but have very little street smarts. They're good kids, but It is draining sometimes.

Comety · 26/06/2023 20:02

N4ish · 26/06/2023 19:57

Yes @illiterato , that’s the clear message I get from threads like these. Really don’t want to be micromanaging my adult kids lives so need to work on independence now.

I don't think I micromanaged my DC at all. If anything I think there are things I should have intervened on sooner that might have made things better for them and therefore required less involvement from me now.

PrinnyPaupersPurse · 26/06/2023 20:03

I feel you op.

My eldest is 25 and has serious mental health issues. She's having her 3rd baby. Then I've got a son with ASD, a son at university and a very hormonal 15 year old daughter at home. AND I'm constantly made to feel guilty for not having my grand kids enough! Apparently my eldest daughter needs a break after parenting for 3 years and I should be grateful despite the fact that I've been parenting for 25 years!! Go figure.

I am going away with my husband for a week in august and I can not wait.

medianewbie · 26/06/2023 20:04

@Pythacalling702 - you make some very good points there. However:
I'm exhausted. My 2 are 18 & 16 but both are Autistic & need a lot of extra support. My husband (& their Father) walked away as it was 'too stressful'. He lives 8m away, is currently not working & does, & contributes, nothing.
I've got them both through GCSEs. A levels / College next. But in 2 years time I will be even tireder. Its not 'I'm done' bit "there's nothing left now'.

Laiste · 26/06/2023 20:15

I have 4 and just recently the 3 older ones have taken turns to lurch from one crisis to another! They were so easy up to the end of their teens!

Of course your kids still sometimes need you when they're adults. The scale of the problems can be quite big once they're in their 20s as well. It's not just a case of late homework or who cut Barbie's hair off any more, and when your opinion is sought your answer can be quite pivotal. It's the sort of stuff which keeps you awake at night wondering if they're going to be ok and you've said the right thing. That sort of parenting.

Think of all the things you might have been through as a young adult. Did you not tell your mum and hope for some words of advice? Once you're the mum of 20 somethings you'll be the one wracking your brains for some pearls of wisdom and it can feel very sureal.

Chickydoo · 26/06/2023 20:20

I have 4 kidults
27, 24, 21 and 18.
I am exhausted. 2 live away, 2 are at home. The 2 that live away rock up most weeks & eat everything they can find. They tell me all their work/life/friendships dramas, however they only occasionally ask about mine.
I love them dearly but I just need a break, it is relentless.

Lovelygreenhills · 26/06/2023 20:21

I love my children dearly but I am so over them this week, they are such hard work. Glad to have found this thread.

QueenCoconut · 26/06/2023 20:21

I agree, I was just telling my DH today that I feel more stressed and tired from parenting now that the kids are all teenagers/ young adults than when they were young children.
Some of it is our parenting, anxiety inducing social media, modern life pressure etc. But some things could be sorted easily to make life easier for everyone- such as easy access, reliable and affordable public transport so that parents everywhere don’t need to provide a part time taxi service!

illiterato · 26/06/2023 20:21

Laiste · 26/06/2023 20:15

I have 4 and just recently the 3 older ones have taken turns to lurch from one crisis to another! They were so easy up to the end of their teens!

Of course your kids still sometimes need you when they're adults. The scale of the problems can be quite big once they're in their 20s as well. It's not just a case of late homework or who cut Barbie's hair off any more, and when your opinion is sought your answer can be quite pivotal. It's the sort of stuff which keeps you awake at night wondering if they're going to be ok and you've said the right thing. That sort of parenting.

Think of all the things you might have been through as a young adult. Did you not tell your mum and hope for some words of advice? Once you're the mum of 20 somethings you'll be the one wracking your brains for some pearls of wisdom and it can feel very sureal.

Honestly no, but I had very strong peer relationships, and those people (my friends)were in a better position to advise on things like should I take this job or should I buy this flat or that flat, or shall I take some time out and go travelling, or is this guy a good guy or s fuckboy? I also trusted myself to make good decisions. By the time I was in my twenties my relationship with my parents was one of equals.

StopStartStop · 26/06/2023 20:23

Oh, yes. They get really annoying as teens/young adults, so that when they move out/away you're relieved rather than devastated. It's all nature. Go with it.