To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DH about what is realistic - both now given your physical state, and once babybis here given how close that must be.

I'd be clear that for the next x number of weeks till baby arrives you will no longer be able to chase toddler away when he chooses to work from home on non nursery days, nor are you physically up to taking toddler out all day, so if he chooses to be around HE will have to deal with the interruptions.

He then needs a plan for after paternity leave - you are not going to be able to chase the toddler away from DH and keep the baby quiet...

Does anyone talk to each other in this house?

YANBU - this would do my head in and totally relate. Have convo with DH.

Literally what I was saying! I don’t get why DH isn’t aware of this ?!

Hi, I completely understand why you are struggling and frustrated by the situation. I get that your husband doesn’t want to go to his workplace more times a week than needed due to the distance, however could he pay for a hotdesk at a local coworking space? That way if he has to change the days he’s going into the office he has a space nearby home he can work from on a day where it interferes with you DS being at home. As long as he doesn’t mind hot-desking and isn’t using them all day everyday he should be able to get some pretty good deals on a membership.

This was why I said OP was being a bit coy - she did say, not in so many words, why he's changing his days. It's because he doesn't technically have set office days, he works 3 days at home and 2 days in the office. He can mostly set these to the days he prefers, but his employers can change them if they need him in the office on days he doesn't normally go in.

So he's not swapping them, his boss is. And I'm guessing his contract allows for that, most contracts do.

Why should she have to? Why can't he see how tough things are for her?! I've been in a very similar situation to the OP, heavily pregnant with my 2nd ,looking after a full on 4 year old boy ( who was then diagnosed with anxiety aged 9,) husband working 12 hr days, only having a Sunday off. Do the nasty posters not get this?
OP-i've only had time to check this thread this morning and can't believe some of the shitty responses you've had. Ignore them and concentrate on all the good advice you've been given. I hope you got a good sleep last night. Take it easy ( well, you know what I mean lol 😄) PM if you would like. 💐

Wow! Your lack of compassion astounds me! I'm truly shocked at a lot of the responses on here! @Mintelderflower - I hope you are ok?
Some of these posters should be ashamed of themselves! They'll be making you feel worse but please ignore them! I always go by the mantra " walk a mile in someone shoes before judging them!"

Did you miss the bits where OP repeatedly said that the tantrums are a result of the child not being able to see his father? The tantrums are because of the boundaries. If child could see dad whenever it would be dad having the tantrums not toddler!

You obviously know nothing about child behaviour. Tantrums in a 2 year old are an expression of feelings of frustration. You can't stop tantrums by enforcing boundaries! A 2 year old can't learn that they can't see their dad now but can in 5 hours time. They don't have that concept.

It makes more sense to avoid the cause of the frustrated feelings where possible. That means taking the toddler out, dad hiding away if at home, dad actually going to office as planned, etc. When it's mum who needs the space with new baby it will be just the same and is actually quite cruel to the toddler to prevent access to their parent in this way. Dad will have to take him out somewhere, for a n hour or two, although not for the whole day obviously!

I agree with other posters and wonder about the relationship if OP feels unable to just discuss with with her husband..clearly the issue is one of poor communication betwen parents and nothing to do with parenting or toddler behaviour.

Ok so I'm saying it and preparing to be slammed....
Why does the toddler have no boundaries? Toddlers through time have had tantrums and when baby arrives it will be worse if not sorted now. Does toddler have free access to someone throwing up all day because nobody can tell him no and mean it? Giving in to him is making it worse.

I'VE already stated on this thread that my 2 year old son had terrible tantrums, head butted a wall once. My HV said "it's fine". my Dad said " i've never seen a toddler do that " and my sister said her wee boy never had tantrums!
My son was diagnosed with anxiety aged 5. We've got 2 other children who are fine.
What don't you understand? I feel so sorry for the OP.
Why do so many of you lack compassion/understanding? I became a psychologist a few years ago and help people everyday with mental health problems.

Ok so I'm saying it - RTFT. It's already been covered.

Working with toddlers I can assure you 2 year olds have tantrums and 2 year olds can head bang, breath hold, vomit (and throw it) , bite, scratch and more....they are worse if they don't have boundaries....I also work in sen ...you have to have boundaries and not throw up your hands saying what can I do I'm tired , Ill or as one said it's two onto 1. They generally do it worse for people who let it happen.

My phone does not allow me to read the ops threads alone and I got fed up after the first god knows how many days should go to work shit....any adult should be able to be in a room without a child bathing in and the other parent saying oh I can't stop them yet so many saying nooo it's fine let little Timmy get his way, naughty daddy.

I think the main disagreement comes about because there are those that think nothing can be done about kids having tantrums and those who think you can.

all kids are different, I don’t think anyone would dispute that and some will have worse tantrums than others, but I’m of the school of thought that if you let the child do what they’re throwing a tantrum to do, they learn that it’s an effective way to achieve what they want. The problem seems to be that OP’s DS has been allowed to go into the rooms where his dad is working (because we can’t lock it?? or go upstairs out of sight for some reason??’) he’s been able to climb on his knee, engage with him etc, and when OP is trying to stop it he’s going understandably apeshit because he just doesn’t understand.. obviously!

the problem now is she’s just too knackered and worn down to keep dealing with it and absolutely nothing is being done to try and put a barrier in the way so she’s at the end of her tether.

I personally think there would things to try to try and alleviate the problem, but they don’t seem to be discussing or trying any options, just going back and forth over him having to pick specific days to be WFH which she admits he can’t do as it’s his work calling the shots on his days?

Hi OP. I have been watching this thread over the last few days and you really have my sympathy. WFH when you're not the one "working" is really draining and I find that I am worried about noise and can't relax and that's without adding noisy children to the mix.
Have you actually had a proper conversation with your DH about why this is difficult and that really he needs to stick to his normal days. If he can't then maybe he needs to find one of those collaborative spaces near your home and work there for the day, or a pub or cafe, there's still loads around since Covid. It would be a max of two days a week and that's only if he has switched his office days.
Once the baby is born there is no way that you are going to be able to deal with a twenty plus minute meltdown and look after a newborn every time DH can't stick to the routine.
Also I get that a two year old can't and doesn't understand why right now when Daddy is at home I can't go and play with him and have fun but all the other times Daddy is at home he's always ready to play/cuddle/whatever it is they do. "Daddy's at work " clearly doesn't cut it when I can see him, yet normally when Daddy is at work he is away from the house. It just doesn't make sense to small children.

I know that for many children and families this wouldn't be a problem but it is for yours and so you need a solution that works for you.

Yep, if DH not happy he has a choice and should get his arse to the office.

The biggest obstacle to WFH being ended at my workplace is the idiot mums who think WFH means they can look after their kids while working - thus doing a shit job of both their work and parenting simultaneously (but thinking they've 'won' by saving childcare costs).

Care to weigh in on that?

Oh my goodness, you work with toddlers?
The OP is heavily pregnant, looking after a spirited 2 year old with a husband who seems rather useless. What do you expect her to do?

Nice one Lacucuracha. I love it. Has the OP been back to this thread. I really hope she's ok. xx

I'm concerned about the OP. I've just been in touch with ,Mumsnet saying how concerned I am about the effect on OP -REALLY hope she's ok

Why?

She's been back and posted a ton of times.

No she says she's pregnant

It's not several months away if your consistent it isn't an automatic he's 3 now he will understand it will actually be harder and take longer because he's learned he's in control