To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

Perhaps this weekend you could you lock yourself in the garden office with a flask of iced tea and a book and see how DH gets on with entertaining DS and stopping him interrupting you.

Might just give him some perspective.

Clearly, for now at least, he needs to stick to WFH on the days DS is in nursery. He gets to work uninterrupted, DS isn't distressed at lack of access to his dad, and you aren't being driven crazy with completely understandable toddler wobblies.

Not only that - you will need those three days a week when you're recovering from a C-section with a newborn - you can't have abject chaos going on five days a week then and if you change the routine beforehand you're less likely to have to deal with DS having a negative reaction to the new arrival as well.

Unfortunately 2 is too young for that kind of thing. 3.5 or older it could work. 2 year olds cannot reason in that way and can't colour nicely either.

I would not do that personally…. Me and my OH work from home frequently. We make it work and support each other and juggle the kids because that’s what we do

This has struck a chord with me as am in similar situation to you with a toddler/wfh situation except already have had the baby and it is a joint decision that DH stays home 4/5 days because alternative is a 3 hour round commute and I would rather have him at home for that time rather than on a train. Also he makes us both food while I traipse around pushing buggy to get both DCs to sleep so we can have a bit of adult time (staring at tv and a v. quick nap if we're lucky).

What has helped lots is that DH now does a morning 'shift' 6am-8am alone with DC1 so they have some good quality 1-1 time before he starts work. There are still multiple attempts to break into the room he's working in (sometimes successful). Before being heavily pregnant/stuck breastfeeding newborn I would attempt to police this. Now I just let DC go for it and it's DH's fault if he's not successfully barricaded the door.

I was left with a very upset toddler every time DH came into the room for a coffee (often), or went to the toilet, as he would stop for a couple of minutes of Disney Dad routine before disappearing. It really wound me up but stupidly I didn't say anything for ages, just got quietly infuriated until I snapped at DH, who now sneaks in and out, mostly unseen. So that, combined with 1-1 morning time has really helped.

I don't know if this would help with you given your layout, it sounds like sneaking in and out would be difficult. For us it was definitely the cameo appearances throughout the day that made things worse, rather than being hidden away in a room.

He also always comes for one quick cuddle when DC1 wakes up from nap, with a 'I have to go back to work now but when I'm finished we'll do X Y or Z together' then sticks to that promise, and always finishes at the same time. I think the routine helps.

@Mintelderflower As the saying goes, you have a DH problem. Either DH goes into the office or DS goes into nursery, it's unfair for you to keep having to deal with this issue. I have a DH who works at home and I understand how appealing that is to a toddler.

Unless I’ve missed something OP is setting boundaries and saying “No”, and that’s causing the tantrums, and she is parenting through those, but it’s tough for all sorts of reasons, so her AIBU? is should she stop saying no so DH is impacted. Which makes all the “just say no (no!)” Zammo-style advice irrelevant.

She isn't asking him to go into the office 5 days a week though. She is only asking for 2 days a week to help make things easier and after she has rearranged for DS to be in nursery for his usual 3 WFH days.

I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

Agreed - so much over analysing on this thread and in that ridiculously long post in particular. For now, DH needs to go into the office when DS isn't at nursery. Things will no doubt change in the future, maybe even in a few weeks but I don't think DS is at the stage of logical reasoning yet.

Completely agree that would be easier but that's not what's happening and OP hasn't explained explicitly why the days change (unless I missed it although I did read all her comments).

But that's not really the point though. The point is that there are no boundaries in place and the child is just being allowed to bounce in. Two-year-olds want to do lots of things which aren't appropriate - and they get told no.

I find it absolutely mad that a 2 yr old's feelings are dictating whether a parent can WFH. If the parent was trying to WFH in the middle of the living room then fair enough, but it's a garden office for heaven's sake.

There might be times when flexibility is needed - especially after the OP gives birth. If DS hasn't learnt by then that Daddy can't be interrupted while he's at work, things will be even harder. It's worth putting in the effort now because you never know when you might need that flexibility - especially with a new baby about to arrive.

I think that @OhFGSwhatTFnow had a good idea though. At weekends, they can swap and DH can deal with DS with the OP being in the locked room/behind closed door having some quiet time. There's no reason they can't share the load - and actually, after the birth, it might be useful for the OP to be able to rest without DS insisting on getting what they want.

That's fucking rude @ChateauxNeufDePoop - and unnecessary.

My "ridiculously long post" was long because I was making suggestions that OP might want to try such as visual aids, and a visual diary. It was long because I was genuinely trying to help.

Also, I'm autistic and have ADHD myself so I struggle with being concise, and I struggle with communication. Maybe think twice about the reason some people communicate the way they do before throwing out nasty and spiteful comments.

and OP hasn't explained explicitly why the days change (unless I missed it although I did read all her comments).
She’s said she doesn’t know because her husband doesn’t tell her or give her prior warning, he’s just chopping and changing. Which must make it all worse both for the toddler – suddenly daddy is here unexpectedly! – and OP: how do you manage expectations around daddy WFH when sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes surprise! Plus she suddenly then has to whip out a plan to take her son out of the house when, in this heat and pregnant, just plonking round the garden would be easier.

@Mintelderflower , I cannot believe how many awful people there are commenting on this, I'm so sorry You absolutely need to make this your husband's problem- his actions are affecting his son (and his heavily pregnant wife) negatively. He needs to change his actions immediately.

Perhaps this weekend you could you lock yourself in the garden office with a flask of iced tea and a book and see how DH gets on with entertaining DS and stopping him interrupting you.
OP absolutely should have some restful time to herself and her DH should be telling their child that this is mummy's time not to be interrupted.

Not to prove a point or point score, like is suggested in a lot of posts on this thread, but because it's important that children learn that they don't get on demand access to whichever parent they want when they want it.

Speaking generally, neither parent should be sending the message to their children that if they stomp their feet and have a tantrum then the adults will drop everything they're doing to centre a tantrum.

There's going to be times if and when a new baby comes when a mum needs time on her own to recover or time with baby. The new mum doesn't want to have an older child barging in followed by a helpless husband saying "but they just wanted to see you, it's so hard when they know you're in the bedroom resting, I can't deal with the crying so I just let them come and annoy you". Or when one parent will be on the phone or video call to a friend and doesn't want to be disrupted by DC when they have a spouse and co-parent who should be owning the situation and respecting their partner's right to have adult conversation with friends, or times when parents have friends round and want to have a conversation with them instead of jumping every 5 seconds because their spouse is lurking helplessly saying "you're going to have to come because I don't want to have to deal with a tantrum".

If there was a woman on here saying that she preferred to WFH and that her DH refused to stop their child from busting into the room, posters would be queuing up to criticise the man for not being able to parent the child

I certainly wouldn't. I would say that the person who is working should be doing it outside the home unless they have absolutely no choice, whether they be a man or a woman or a pink spotted leopard.

DS is screaming and crying and hitting because OP is enforcing boundaries. OP is also heavily pregnant and I think DH needs to do all he can to make things easier on her.

What happens if your DH tells the child that he’s busy working and can’t come out?

You haven’t asked?! Seriously, have you spoken about this at all?

Yes, and I said it’s in the office they (you) have in their (your) house. Whether it was supposed to be yours or not is irrelevant if you’re not using it for work. He’s using a room specifically designed to be worked in.

Totally agree with this. The nursery days have already been changed to accommodate DH. So this is DH's problem to solve as he keeps creating it by changing his WFH days.

?

Surely all he needs to do is go to work in the days the OP arranged for ds to be in nursery? The oP arranged her whole life to fit around dh office days and now he Fanny's about switching and swapping even though it means ds ends up nursery on days he's out and at home when dh is wfh. This just creates chaos and tantrums for the OP. why. Any dh just stick with the plan?

Can you not put a lock on it?

I find this whole situation bizarre. OP doesn't know why her husband changes his WFH days. Her husband doesn't get why his WFH causes issues for OP. OP's son throws extended tantrums and physically hits OP whenever her husband WFH, but her husband is blissfully unaware of this (How? I thought the walls in OP's house was so thin that it was impossible for her husband to hide away in a room to work without their two year old son noticing). None of this makes any sense. Why don't you just talk to your husband, OP? Why aren't you asking him why he keeps changing his WFH days and whether it really is necessary for him to do so? Why can't you explain to him in a way he can understand what kind of issues he causes when he WFH? There just seems to be no communication between OP and her husband??

Precisely @GBoucher I have posted asking the same thing a couple of times up thread but OP hasn't responded. I would be asking why is he changing days and then saying if you change days again you have to suffer the consequences. I said it before but it's a DH problem.

OP, you have 45 posts on this thread and you haven't acknowledged the many posts that say you have a DH problem. This issue can be easily solved by telling your husband he must WFH on the days DS is in nursery and the other days in the office, otherwise if he changes his days and DS is home, you will no longer stop DS disturbing him. You will be telling him that he can parent his child and deal with the tantrums.

Why can't you tell your DH this?