To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

I've always found the best way to avoid toddler tantrums is exactly that - avoid them. Obviously you have to put up with it if it's something like leaving the park and you have given them prior warning, tried all your tricks etc but this sounds like a situation which is entirely preventable and really not reasonable at all from your DH. He needs to stick to set days in the office. I am also in third trimester of pregnancy with a toddler and I can't stay out with him all day, you must be exhausted.

Yeah oh needs to work from another room. I've always found this hard with my little one too, but she now realises if he is on the phone she can't go in, taken years for her to understand this. It's very hard. I now plan our days so we are out of the house most of the time or little one in nursery. Ie we go visit family, go do free activities either inside or outside, we have a lot of soft play centres that do free sessions for toddlers in the morning, so go with friends or on our own.

I totally agree @Iwanderedlonelyasagoat and I’m replying to that because it’s common sense and I entirely subscribe to that.

I'm bemused by pp saying how you should keep your toddler out of the garden because Daddy works there. No you shouldn't. Daddy doesn't need to be there at all. A garden is such a wonderful gift for a toddler and an exhausted, heavily-pregnant mother. Toddler plays, mum rests. Perfect. Not toddler gets hauled around all day because husband likes being home

I haven’t read all your posts or comments but your ds is 2! Getting upset and taking tantrums is what 2year olds do. Your oh needs to go to the office on the days he is meant to or suck it up, you have already accommodated 3days for him to be at home and it won’t be easier when the baby is here. Are you just meant to stop feeding/changing baby because your son is trying to get in beside dad 🤔🤷🏼‍♀️

For a thread posted on a site designed for mothers, its quite shocking how many posters don't get normal 2 year old behaviour.

Op the only way around it is to tell dh bluntly that you won't be stopping your toddler from going where he wants. He can work in peace for 3 days a week, like arranged and he should stick to that.

On balance, it seems it is far more inconvenient for you that DH is working from home on DS’s non nursery days than it is for him, which suggests he should help solve the problem.
Do you have any family near by that you could visit on these days, although I do appreciate not being able to use your home as a home is not ideal.
When the baby arrives, if this is still an issue it will be even worse, particularly as it’s difficult to be in two places at once - how do you keep DS away from DH when feeding, nappy changing etc?
A frank discussion with your DH is needed - hopefully he’ll support you and appreciate this is affecting your state of mind.
You could really do without all this added exhaustion and stress - dealing with 2 year olds when not heavily pregnant is bad enough!

He needs to stop being so lazy and get dressed and go to the office on days he’s already agreed

Wow. I think it is totally unreasonable to expect a toddler to accept that their dad is behind a door but they're not allowed to see them. Of course they're going to get upset about that. I really feel for you OP and think you need to speak to him about it as it will be even harder with a newborn.

I had a baby in April 2020 and my husband is a teacher. We lived in a small 2 bedroom flat with our 3 year old. My husband had to teach out of the 3 year old's bedroom. He popped out whenever he could but it was hard. Even trying to keep the noise down when he was teaching was so difficult sometimes. My 3 year old did sort of understand and didn't interrupt too often (and obvs the newborn didn't give a hoot!) but she could still become upset about something and want him and then that was a struggle to convince her not to interrupt. And it's kind of torture when you're juggling two small kids and trying to make the dinner or go to the loo and know that there's someone in the next room who could help but can't as they're at work 😆

Maybe pitch it both that it'll be better for you and DS but also will be nice to have lunch just you and him before baby comes and then also a bit of time one on one with you and the baby while DS at nursery? Let us know if he sees sense! Xxx

Maybe just move the bloody bikes? If he is working you are responsible for your son. Close the door, move away and let him get on!

YANBU. Tantrums are part and parcel of child development. Yes you will need to find strategies to deal with it but DH doesn’t need to exacerbate the situation so that you’re facing tantrums umpteen times a week! You’re in your third trimester, in the summer and you’re in pain. You need to be kind to yourself and not have to traipse the streets to further accommodate DH. Tell DH to have some empathy and go into the office or come out and deal with the tantrums! Honestly, he should be prioritising your wellness right now, not his schedule.
Presumably he can be in the office more than twice a week if he wishes? So even if he is changing his days for a business need he doesn’t need to be under your feet.

Good luck to you OP. Third trimester with no2 is hard!

Hi OP, I entirely get your challenges because we have similar here. Including a newborn, a 2.5 year old and my DH working from home on the day when DS isn’t at nursery. On that day DH works from the garden office but DS frequently wanted to go out there to see daddy. Like you I used to take DS out most of the day but once I was too heavily pregnant and now that DS2 is here that became too hard.

I wonder if your DH explaining to your DS that he has to go to work, rather than you just saying no you can’t see daddy would help. My DH had to take DS to nursery for 6 weeks after the birth because I had a c section and couldn’t drive. He made a point of telling DS at drop off that he was going to work and would be back later for him. He said the same on the day DS was at home, he said he was off to work in the house in the garden and would see him later. He repeated over and over to DS that he needed to be good for mummy and listen to me. It seems to be working now and DS associates daddy going to work and not seeing him with him going to the garden office. Also things will be much harder with the new baby, I didn’t realise how much harder but that first month at least, I had family help every day that DS was home because I couldn’t manage two after the c section. You won’t be able to lift your toddler for weeks for example. Is there anyone who can come and take DS out for you to give you a break?

The only thing that is guaranteed to stop this is for your DH to go back to working in the office on the days he is supposed to. To be honest I would be doing everything I could to get it through to him, how much of a challenge and disruption it is to you and DS when he changes things around. He should be making life easier for you when you are tired, vulnerable and growing another human, not making things harder. If he doesn’t listen, I think I’d just be letting DS disturb him until he gets it. Like I say things will be much harder with the new baby and if you’re stuck feeding, or the baby is sleeping, the last thing you need is to be dealing with a toddler meltdown because your DH doesn’t listen to you telling him how hard his changing plans are making things for you. It shows a lack of respect for you to be frank. If my DH told me my inconsistency made life difficult for him, I’d be listening to him and making some changes. Surely that’s what you do as a partnership.

Totally get this and I’ve experienced this. It’s torture tip toeing around your house and being mindful. He needs to go into office more and only work at home when 2 yr old is at nursery. It will be a nightmare when baby is born and you need to get into a new routine.

Be firm and tell him. Otherwise I’d start letting 2 yr old into the room as it’s too draining for you especially when he has alternative options

I really feel for you OP - you've defo had a bit of a bashing on here! I have an extremely strong willed nearly two year old and when she goes...she goes! I'm a nanny with years of experience but nothing prepared me for her 😂 my other half WFH three days a week and in London two days and I work four days a week so Thursdays (my day off) are my time to get stuff done in the house etc. When he decides to change his days and WFH on a Thursday I'm livid. It throws me off completely, I can't get as much stuff done as I want (he works from our bedroom so I can't put washing away, clean in there etc) and when we go upstairs my little one cries at the door because she wants her daddy.
In the end I had a really blunt convo and just said it was pissing me off when he's there on Thursdays so please can he make sure he always goes into London on that day. Once I spelt it out in pretty blunt language he agreed (don't think he understands but he agreed so that's all I care about 😂)

I understand how draining it is when your child just has tantrum after tantrum and no amount of distraction etc works. Esp when you're heavily pregnant and struggling physically!

Please have a chat with your DH about how it's affecting you mentally and how he needs to stick to the original days. You've done your bit to help the situation now he needs to help as well - you're meant to be a team and he's not being a very good team player ❤️ sending lots of hugs xx

My 4 year old is pretty good at understanding if I’m WFH and leaving me to it for a while. At 2? Not a chance. I used to have to hide or pretend I wasn’t there. A friend of mine used to distract their toddler so her DH could sneak upstairs to work without him seeing Daddy at a similar age to your DS!

A frank conversation is def needed. Along the lines of “I’m pregnant, and struggling with managing DS when you are WFH; this is causing emotional stress which isn’t good for me, baby or DS, and also physical exhaustion from trying to manage him safely. I also can’t continue to not be able to be at home for most of the day when you WFH. I have tried moving DS nursery days to your usual WFH days, but as these keep changing this isn’t working. I need your support with this as I am not willing or able to continue in the current pattern; please either go onto work on the two days DS is home, or I’m going to need you to step in and support me with DS during your WFH days”.

Yanbu. Sounds like a right mess. Lock on the office door and he needs to stay out of sight as much as possible.

I used to text my husband to ask him to bring me a cup of tea during lockdown as I hid away from the kids during the day to avoid uproar if they could see me but not play with me. Not fun but needs must….

Is it that your DS can see your DH in the annex when he is working - through a window? If so is it possible to get a film or something for the window that would prevent sight from outside but still let light into the annex? Wonder would something like this help

YANBU !
Hope you have been able to explain this to DH and he has agreed to stick to his office days.

I feel like some posters may never have actually MET a two year old ...

I think it's your DH who needs to understand boundaries, not your DS. He's being childish by insisting he won't go to the office and acting like he's a god expecting quiet in the house at the expense of those who live there. It's not your job to fix a mess he continues to create.

He has more choices than you. You are also working from home. Looking after a toddler while heavily pregnant in summer is hard work. There is helping him and enabling. I’d let him fail . This will get much worse if he doesn’t step up. It’s your home and this situation could affect your mental health. Trying to accommodate all that in the last part of pregnancy isn’t easy. Not toddlers fault or yours . Just wait till screaming baby and roaming toddler. I empathise with you as a family member did night shift when I was younger. I became hyper aware of noise and tried to be invisible so we didn’t get told off. It’s a family home not an office. Let the family act normal

YANBU. He works in your home, you don’t live in his office.

Don't bother just let your idiot husband work it out for himself

Thank you!
So many people are telling the OP to get with the program but totally ignoring the fact that her NVDH changes the days he goes into the office, even though the OP changed DS's nursery days to fit NVDH's days.

I guess we should curse out the nursery school for not letting her DS come in whenever her NVDH "decides" to WFH.

NVDH CAN go into the small office too, and lock the door instead of being in the garden annex, where I assume he can be seen much easier. To top it off, after DS gets calmed down from a tantrum, here struts NVDH out of "his office" to make sure it all starts up, again.

So much patriarchy and misogyny in some of these threads. Mind-boggling.

When did the home stop being a home and become a workplace? Are the homes so big that they can accommodate a home AND a workplace? If so, I'm impressed since my home is not big enough for both.

And it would be so easy for the NVDH to go to the office and do his agreed days with the childcare entirely arranged around his schedule. But instead he pays attention only to his own whims and not to the impact on his wife and child.

He’s selfish at best.

OP please tell him this must end. It’s causing you completely unnecessary stress.