To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

So sometimes you let him get on with it .....not consistent and very confusing to a child who is at the age of testing boundaries he now knows you will give up if he carries on long enough

sandyhappypeople
Great post and I think you've hit the nail on the head, especially about the different views re whether parents can/can't do something about tantrums.

Like you I think there's things to try to alleviate the problem, but it seems like the central demand is that the DH only WFH on days that the DC is in nursery and if work want him in on other days he should just do extra days in the office so that no measures need to be put in place where a young child learns that there will be times they don't get to demand access to whichever parent they want.

Aww thanks for that, I checked briefly at lunchtime but couldn't see any of her posts.

Some of these posts must come from Opposite Land! Where are these two year olds who understand boundaries? I have literally never met any of them. I had a very easy going, bright, social, keen to please two year old but if I was working from home and my husband was looking after her she would hurl herself at my door pretty much all day. And everyone I knew with a two year old experienced the same thing. OP, your OH just needs to stick to the deal he made with you.

Explain the room is a no don't ever let it be a room he goes in. When lo starts screaming and banging Walk away from your son saying mummy is going next door come and find me when you're ready....dad must lock door....when he's got no target and nobody is hovering he will calm down each day will get easier. If he knows daddy is working from home set a visual reminder daddy will come read you a story when this hand is touching this one, at snack or whatever....now at lunch and get dad to play while you rest for half an hour and in the afternoon.
It will work not in a day or two but you will see an improvement in a week....practice it at weekends and with you going for peace and quiet

Arse of a husband may be trying to be around in case heavily pregnant wife goes into labour looking after her toddler when no one is around.

Don't you have respite while toddler is at nursery surely if oh is home he's working in his office or out so you actually have a full rest?

CarterBeatsTheDevil
You teach them and hold them so that over time they understand. It's a hard time but I'm glad we did it.

I'd have lost my mind in the toddler stage if if couldn't have had a bath and read my book without DH letting DC bang on the door, interrupt, climb in the bath as he helplessly shrugged and said "what can you do? They're 2, and I don't want to deal with the crying so if you could just time your baths for when we're out the house so I don't have to deal with a tantrum".

I really wouldn't have had the patience if DH was a white flag waving type who gave in to tantrums and wanted to arrange our life to avoid having to say no to our DC. It's parenting from a place of fear.

Like millions of other heavily pregnant mums with 1,2 or more siblings who tantrum and need consistency other parent home or not. You can say I'm exhausted about housework, easy tea, your home I'm going to lay down(although I guess she shouldn't because she would have lo outside screaming to get in and posters would say that's her fault like it's oh's now) but you can't say I'm too tired to parent

Exactly, crack it now and when mums recovering from her section she can have some peace. It's win win as then dad can WFH and help out in breaks

Exactly, crack it now and when mums recovering from her section she can have some peace. It's win win as then dad can WFH and help out in breaks
Exactly this.
It means the OP can have time to recover from birth and her DH has to say "mummy is resting. We'll see her later this morning. Let's go and ... "

And when OP needs some time to nap or rest whilst the baby is resting her DH can say "we aren't interrupting mummy now. We're going to..." and then he puts things in place to make sure OP isn't interrupted.

It's a win all round, but it takes consistency from both parents, some active steps to teach the expectations and practical measures a confused 2 year old isn't able to get in and out of where they're not meant to be in the first place.

What I'm reading here "OP's child must be exactly the same as mine and therefore the only reason OP is having a hard time with this is that she's not parenting like I did".

I’ve just stepped away from the thread as it’s pointless: it’s just a small group of posters desperate to believe their parenting is better than mine, which is so daft. And I’ll get banned if I tell them where their boundaries can go.

I think you’re getting a hard time OP.

cos you know, all toddlers should understand boundaries 🙄

this is a very young child who is aware that the parent he loves is at home. Think it’s quite normal and natural to want to see him/play with him. Toddlers don’t understand why work is important etc…

your DH should stick to the original days if he doesn’t want to be disturbed. Also it’s almost like teasing your DS as he knows his daddy is there and wants to see him. He’s too young to understand that this is not appropriate when an adult is working

I don't know how people aren't getting this @Mintelderflower . If Dad can't deal with interruptions when working he needs to go into the office when he agreed he would. At the start of the pandemics partner was furlough until they realised he was an essential worker so we had our 3 year old at home, she understood a but more but I had to accept that she would burst in for cuddles, to show me random things, sing songs etc. My only limit was when I had a meeting she couldn't interrupt (I work in mental health so had video calls with people) I would give plenty of notice and my dh would take her in the garden/for a walk during those.

If he complains suggest shared parental leave once baby comes and he can see how the other shoe fits. Funny that my DH always declines this suggestion when complaining how he has to do x,y,z /very busy work work! Hope you get something sorted

What I'm reading here "OP's child must be exactly the same as mine and therefore the only reason OP is having a hard time with this is that she's not parenting like I did"
Whereas what I see are a range of posters acknowledging that the toddler stage is really damn hard, they don't take to boundaries straight away, that inconsistency makes it more difficult for the child and the parent(s), and that parents being on the same page and putting things in place to make sure they can BOTH have time uninterrupted as required will make life easier for both parents in the long run.

I'm glad I had other mums further down the line saying "it's hard, but being proactive and trying A,B,C is likely to help" / "try to get on top of... When they're young because we found it means that now ours are older..."
🤷‍♀️

Well, if consistency is everything then DH needs to be consistent with his days in the office, doesn’t he?

DS is going through a challenging phase in some ways, and while I’m not going to profess to be a perfect parent here simply because who is, I also know full well his behaviour is well within the realms of normal.

Someone, and I forget who, gave a brilliant example earlier about eating crisps or chocolate and ideally toddlers would accept no and just merrily munch on their pepper and carrot sticks but for most of us, in the real world, they cry and get upset, so we wouldn’t eat those things in front of them. This is the sort of equivalent. It isn’t that DS isn’t told no, it’s that he’s told no and then the thing he wants is sort of dangled in front of him.

He will come to a point where he understands more but we are not there yet. I really will leave it there as I have to admit I am bored to tears by the endless droning on about boundaries. It isn’t what I was asking about, it is not helpful in the slightest and it is not being posted about to be helpful but to try to make me feel bad, and it isn’t going to work.

OP I think you’re right to step away from this thread. Some of these self righteous responses would make my blood boil

I haven't read all of the thread but I just wanted to say I absolutely feel your pain with trying to deal with a toddler!
My husband WFH and my toddler (2 in 3 months) can reach the door handles and open the baby gates so he escapes to get to daddy. My husband is on the phone a lot so it's a bit of a nightmare. I literally have to be out the house most of the time. We are working on a different arrangement where he has a separate office out of the house but it's a bloody pain in the arse at the moment.
My DS reacts the same as yours as well. So no advice to give but I just wanted to say you're not the only one whose kid is a handful at all, I pretended I didn't know him in the supermarket yesterday as he was so embarrassing 😂🙈
Hope your DH gets his arse to the office when he should and you have a speedy recovery post c section 🤞

Well, if consistency is everything then DH needs to be consistent with his days in the office, doesn’t he?
You said yourself you think the office have him in on different days, which affects the changes.

If you / him want to insist on having the same days at home every week then get a flexible working request put in and request a permanent variation to contract, which may or may not be approved depending on the business reasons.

Consistency in your approaches matters.

Eg. "DC mummy is having a bath and you're not disturbing her" then your DH needs to have activities/physical barriers such as baby gates to reduce the tantruming and then he needs to deal with the fall out. He can't wave his hands in the air and let your DC interrupt you because he doesn't want to deal with it.

Eg. "daddy is working and we'll see him at lunch/in an hour (whatever is agreed as a team to make it work). Let's go and do..." And then you have activities not right where he's working/have appropriate physical barriers and you respond to DC's feelings about it.

It isn’t that DS isn’t told no, it’s that he’s told no and then the thing he wants is sort of dangled in front of him

This is it in a nutshell. If your DH were asking you to keep your toddler occupied/quiet for an hour at the weekend so he could have an uninterrupted bath/talk to a mate/dick around on Dadsnet, that wouldn't be a problem. In the same way that it shouldn't be a problem for you to have an hour to yourself every now and then.

It's the constant mixed messages which are the problem for your toddler, and the only person who can sort that out is your husband (who ought to go back to the office full stop in an ideal world, but at the very least, on the days when your toddler is not at nursery).

The problem is not you or your toddler.

I feel you. Im getting lock down flash backs. My child was 2 at the time

Two year olds cannot be reasoned with

Honestly, he should just go work in the office on his 2 office days. Its your home predominately. Office second.

can he at least go work in a cafe or somewhere else for a few hours?

This is only a post covid problem.

I’ve read some of the thread and all your updates, as someone who has WFH with a toddler (lockdown so not by choice) it is difficult and while both me and DH were working if one of us was on an important call we would try and keep DD away but it always caused a tantrum and meltdown because toddlers want what they can’t have so I know how your feeling

i would make this your DHs issue especially when the new baby arrives if your dealing with a baby bodily fluid how does your DH expect you to also wrestle a tantruming toddler, tell your DH these are the days DC goes to nursery WFH those days if you choose to WFH the days DC is home then I will be too busy with new baby (temperament yet unknown) so unable to keep DC away from you all day, he will soon start going into the office 🤣

The boundary droners don’t seem to be very good at listening do they? Probably too busy enforcing the boundaries!

I didn’t even read the latest boundary post. I am grateful to those who have responded - especially those who understand it can be hard. DS was a bit difficult last week, we actually had a lovely day today, he isn’t a ball of rage all the time! So am a bit more sanguine about it all today. I’ve had a chat with DH about stuff and hopefully we can move forward positively.