Should I make my DD include her Half sister on her Bday trip?

[BamBamBambi]

Our Dds (11) birthday is next month. She has requested for her and 4 friends to go to the cinema and watch a movie and then get Pizza Hut after.

However it will be our weekend to have my dsd (14) and Iv mentioned to her about maybe letting her sister come along but she’s reluctant and doesn’t want her there. She wants it to be just her and her mates.

Im unsure if I should broach the subject again or let her have the birthday trip she wants as after all it is her birthday!

Normally this isn’t a issue as any gatherings have landed on the weekends we don’t have dsd.

Im leaning towards letting her have the trip she wants.

For context We also have a son that won’t be attending the cinema either so it’s not like she’s just leaving dsd out.

I’m glad. Every family’s different though. DSis & I started getting on when I left for university & now we’re in touch almost every day, but that had to come in its own time.

My brother and I are very close and my parents allowed us to have our own birthday treats with our own friends.
We always went out for a family meal too, but no I would not have wanted my 11 year old brother tagging along with my friends to see whatever dreadful chick flick was on at the cinema when I turned 14.
I don't think that makes my parents a failure, me selfish or have any reflection on the love I have for my brother or the likelihood that we will still be close as the decades roll by.

Tbh I have 3 siblings - older and younger - and as a kid when any of us had a cinema/meal birthday party with a few friends then it was just standard that invariably there would be at least one non-birthday sibling attending but they would sit with our parent away from the party group.

I don't know if it's just because there were 4 of us so it wasn't always easy logistically for one parent to take a party out and the other parent to have all three of the others especially at weekends when we all had different classes/sports schedules but it was perfectly normal in our family, but we all knew that if it wasn't your birthday then you just say quietly with mum/dad and didn't get involved in the party as your "treat" was going out for a film/pizza whereas the party child's treat was the party with their friends.

I loved it as often if you were the only "spare" child going with the party it was great to have a bit of mum/dad 1:1 time sitting in the cinema together and then in the restaurant. I'm not saying our parents didn't spend 1:1 time with us generally but rarely did they take us out to a restaurant just because, that was usually a whole family treat.

The last birthday celebration we had was ice skating and then we ate at a restaurant after. They brought a friend each. Last year we bought a pet for them to look after. There is one thing I left out I have three birthdays in 1 month so that's why our birthday events are big. Even when they were little I think the parents were more exited than my kids when we had the big birthday party. It was fun and my kids loved it. We don't do cinema we go out of our way for them to have fun. Beautiful memories and photos of those days. Nothing wrong with that at all.

When you look at twins they do everything together but no one sees that as weird they are twins after all. The suggestion of sharing your special day with friends and loved ones is a BIG NO NO baffles me. We do something different every year to make it fun for all of them and it makes them and us happy.

It's good that you are building that relationship because no matter what happens she will always be your sister. No matter what path you both decide to take one is not better than the other and there is respect and love. Sibling rivalry is horrible and can get out of hand and brought into adulthood that's what ends a lot of relationships in families.

Well, that was 30 years ago so I think our relationship is pretty firmly established now.

My point is that we became close once we were ready to. We were no longer living together & we were both growing up, so the 4 year age difference was becoming less of an issue. If we’d been expected to do everything together ‘because sisters’ or, God forbid, share a bedroom, I think it would have taken a hell of a lot longer.

In our family, one parent would take the two siblings to another film at the same cinema and the other would take the birthday child. Equally, the family would have their own table at pizza hut while the birthday child sat on a separate table with their friends.

All kids get a treat but the birthday child gets to do it with their friends.

Nothing wrong at all with big celebrations. My sons imminent birthday party includes kids from 13 years all the way to 2 years old. It's going to be chaotic but fabulous!
The point of this thread isn't about the big celebrations. It's a little girl just wanting a cinema trip with her friends for her birthday, without any guilt tripping about "she's your sister" and "be kind". It's not a statement about the future health of her sibling relationships.

So essentially you are saying my daughters selfish for wanting her birthday with her mates only. You’re not a better parent then me because you have forced your kids to do everything together.

Your kids will be the ones that are too ‘generous’ and get taken advantage by people as you never taught them to get a back bone.

Blood doesn’t mean you are stuck to people for life. Sometimes friends are the ones that are always there for you.

I think you made the right call. I also think the step sibling part is relevant as people feel they need to give more consideration than if it was a sibling living in the same house full time. My dd (12) has gone to lots of birthday parties/ get together like your dc wants and none of the siblings have gone and some have sisters close in age. Your dc should be allowed time with her friends on her birthday,

Your the parent you need to set an example your DD knows she will come first in your eyes.

We are a close family my children tell me everything. They like being around me my oldest lives in Wales for part of the year and attends university and she still calls me if she needs advice about anything. She has introduced me to her friends of video chat. We are close what's wrong with that.

My daughters are generous people with their friends and their family because I guided them and taught them not to be selfish.

Oddly enough, so are my daughters. I have never expected them to have to take siblings along when they go out with their friends though. It's completely inappropriate when the dc are different ages and stages. Now, as young adults, they choose to socialise together sometimes, which is nice, but all the nicer because it is an option they have chosen rather than being conditioned into thinking that they have to.

I'm not sure why you think people have a problem with families being close or siblings celebrating birthdays together because that's not what's being said.
For someone who likes to go on about their generous, unselfish children you aren't really displaying those qualities in your posts.
Calling kids selfish for just wanting a small trip with a few friends, sniffing about cinema trips not being good enough for your children (they were a massive treat for me when I was young, my parents didn't have money to burn) and implying that others are poor parents for allowing children to have time with their friends when they choose, suggesting that siblings are bound to not like each other if they aren't forced together at birthdays... It's all not a good look.
Nobody thinks it's wrong to have a happy, close family.

I think what you are doing is appropriate, I would have made the same decision in your shoes OP.

Exactly this.

and as for … ‘We don't do cinema we go out of our way for them to have fun. Beautiful memories and photos of those days.’

Honestly, Get that stick out of your ass… what a ridiculous stuck up thing to say.

I also have lots of beautiful memories and photos of my kids too. This trip to the cinema is a minor thing she wants to do with her friends on the weekend close to her birthday.
It’s not her birthday present or her birthday day out.

We were in Disneyworld Florida last year for her birthday, maybe that qualifies as something I went out of my way for.

I would let daughter have the birthday she wants, then later the same week-end do something special including DsD. Maybe icecream? O

I was dragged up and I am unapologetically ferrel. My children are different.

Going out with friends has been a separate event from family members since mine were late primary age. We got round it (and still do) by having a friends gathering and s family gathering separately (eg last year DS14 had a family meal at our local Indian restaurant and an airsoft day and sleepover with his friends. They don't like to mix family and friends these days!

@BamBamBambi all I am saying is ask yourself how your Step daughter would feel being left out. You already posted that she would want to go. I like to make people think especially on here everyone piles in and posts after post is agreeing with the op. As I see it you have doubt in your mind because if you knew it was right and you was confident you wouldn't be in here asking in the first place.

You posted this:
We took dsd to a trampoline park for dsd birthday while she was with us and all 3 kids went.
DSD wouldn’t have a clue what we spend for each birthday etc.

The above trip does sound like a lot of fun you had with your SD and family on her birthday. Leave her at home with her dad if you want to she may notice and she may feel left out but she won't say anything and that will be the end of it.

I think at that age, and celebrating alone with friends, they don't have to include siblings.

Ask yourself how OPs DD would feel if her simple request to go out with her closest friends for her birthday got turned into a drama about her sisters feelings.
"No DD, I know you think your birthday should be about you but you are wrong, your sister has to come"
Instead of
"no DSD, this one's just for DD and her best mates, it's not a family trip"

Meeooowwww

Going out with friends has been a separate event from family members since mine were late primary age. We got round it (and still do) by having a friends gathering and s family gathering separately

Same here, except from when they started school. My dc have all, always had 3 separate birthday celebrations........

1. cards and presents from parents and siblings on birthday, with cake and candles at tea time
2. 'Birthday tea' with all local relatives invited on a weekend, at some point close to the birthday
3. 'Something' with friends...obviously changing from party with school mates to going out with whichever pals they chose as got older

I think they'd feel quite deprived if they didn't have 3 birthday celebrations.

I find forcing dc to include their siblings in everything they do to be quite strange, and likely to build resentment.

Well put @Yousee