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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I make my DD include her Half sister on her Bday trip?

233 replies

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 12:17

Our Dds (11) birthday is next month. She has requested for her and 4 friends to go to the cinema and watch a movie and then get Pizza Hut after.

However it will be our weekend to have my dsd (14) and Iv mentioned to her about maybe letting her sister come along but she’s reluctant and doesn’t want her there. She wants it to be just her and her mates.

Im unsure if I should broach the subject again or let her have the birthday trip she wants as after all it is her birthday!

Normally this isn’t a issue as any gatherings have landed on the weekends we don’t have dsd.

Im leaning towards letting her have the trip she wants.

For context We also have a son that won’t be attending the cinema either so it’s not like she’s just leaving dsd out.

OP posts:
thing47 · 26/06/2023 15:37

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 26/06/2023 14:48

I agree with your dh she is her sister and it would be unkind not to bring her. She has to remember those girls will go one day but her sister is her friend for life.

Absolute rubbish. Lots of people are closer to their best friends than they are to their siblings.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 26/06/2023 15:42

I do think sometimes if you want to be really fair then you invite every sibling to every party etc.

When my DF and stepmum divorced and she remarried her new husband had DC from his previous marriage and they all socialised a lot. But they lived in the same area nearby and knew each other well already. Where me and DB lived was right the other side of London a good 2.5 hour trip then (quicker now) - it wasn’t so easy for us to just go there. Plus my DF had a smaller house so not always easy for us to stay but we were always welcome.

Yousee · 26/06/2023 15:43

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 26/06/2023 14:48

I agree with your dh she is her sister and it would be unkind not to bring her. She has to remember those girls will go one day but her sister is her friend for life.

What's "unkind" is not allowing a child the privacy and independence to develop friendships outside the family unit.
My best friend has been my friend since we were 2, more than 30 years ago, so your bold statement that friendships are fleeting is also a lot of nonsense.
Maybe your childhood friendships didn't last because your parents insisted on shoving your siblings into the middle of them? If so, that's a great shame.

LondonJax · 26/06/2023 15:45

When I was 11 years old the only time my younger sisters (then 9 and 6 years old) were included in the birthday party was if it was at our own home. If I went out (or they did for their birthdays) with friends, it was with friends. At 11 years old we'd chat about boys, pop stars, mum and dad or just act 'daft'. I wouldn't want my siblings witnessing that (or holding me to ransom with it as only siblings can). None of our friends used to invite siblings along either - we'd have thought it a bit odd if a younger (or older) sibling had tagged on to be honest.

We used to have friends to a party or cinema or whatever, then a family meal that evening or the next day, often out somewhere nice, where we celebrated as a family.

It's her time to be 'grown up'. Let her have her day. As you've already said, her sister doesn't include her in sleepovers on her birthday so what's the difference? If DH kicks up a fuss, point out to him that your DD isn't invited to her DSS parties so can he make sure she is in future? Bet he'll baulk at that one.

HettieHelvetica · 26/06/2023 15:49

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 12:32

Just to make it clear I think DSD would like to go to the cinema.

Although she would never say anything if we said she can’t go.

The only reason I’m asking is because DH said he feels a bit mean saying she has to stay at home. I think it’s because they are both girls!

She doesn’t have to stay at home, she’s just not invited to participate in this activity at this time . She’s able to do anything else she wants, or anything her father is willing to arrange. If she, or her dad, feel like she’s “stuck at home” then they can change that.

Clymene · 26/06/2023 15:50

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 26/06/2023 15:34

I’d ask your DD if she wants her half sister to come or not, can’t see here where you’ve addressed this. If your DD really doesn’t want her to come then fine.

I’ve got half siblings of differing ages and if I wanted to come on a trip or they did with me and DB then they were always allowed and not excluded. Due to distance this wasn’t usually an issue but we certainly didn’t leave each other out. My step mum is Cypriot though and they’re very big on family so invites were always issued to us!

Literally the 2nd paragraph of the OP

However it will be our weekend to have my dsd (14) and Iv mentioned to her about maybe letting her sister come along but she’s reluctant and doesn’t want her there. She wants it to be just her and her mates.

OhmygodDont · 26/06/2023 15:52

So to all those who say it’s unkind as they are sisters…. Where was this child’s invite to her sisters birthday sleepover…. Fairs fair after all.

EhrlicheFrau · 26/06/2023 15:57

No, don't force it, especially as they are not that close in age (11 and 14 is a big gap, whereas when they're 31 and 34 it won't really seem that way, unless they do completely different things with their lives).

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 26/06/2023 16:03

She should not be forced to include her siblings at that age for a small birthday outing with friends like this.

ChrisPPancake · 26/06/2023 16:08

Dsis and I only attended each others birthday celebrations when they were at home, cinema trips or whatever was the birthday person and friends. Same for my dc (though when ds2 had his last party at home ds1 was nowhere to be seen because the thought of a dozen 8 year olds was too much 😂).

YANBU to tell dsd she's sitting this one out. Maybe have a nice family lunch the following day?

willWillSmithsmith · 26/06/2023 16:21

Me and my (full) sister never included each other in our birthday parties or birthday outings as kids and we’re only a year apart. It really shouldn’t be an issue especially considering the age gap.

willWillSmithsmith · 26/06/2023 16:27

It’s really important to have friendships outside the family. The idea that you HAVE to invite a sibling to a birthday event is unrealistic. My friends were very separate from my sister when we were growing up (and vice versa for her). I’d have hated my sister being amongst my friends. We weren’t part of each others friendship groups and that is okay.

UsingChangeofName · 26/06/2023 16:47

Don't know which way the voting is, however, of course the dsd shouldn't go.

I doubt very much if a 14 yr old would want to go to a birthday celebration with 10 and 11 year olds anyway, but this is your dd's celebration and it is quite right she goes with her friends and not be expected to have siblings forced upon her.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 26/06/2023 17:06

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 26/06/2023 14:48

I agree with your dh she is her sister and it would be unkind not to bring her. She has to remember those girls will go one day but her sister is her friend for life.

My younger sister and I are very close now, but if we’d been forced to take each other along every time one of us went out with our friends as kids, I don’t think our relationship would have ever recovered.

verabarbleen · 26/06/2023 20:16

I think it's fine she doesn't go especially as your son isn't going. Can your dh get a takeaway for the two that are staying at home and make it a fun night for them?

verabarbleen · 26/06/2023 20:16

This is coming from someone who is a step daughter and a half sister! Lol

veryfluffyfluff · 26/06/2023 20:17

It's fine. If they were "full" siblings you wouldn't force it

standardduck · 26/06/2023 20:25

I wouldn't force your DD to invite your DSD. It's fine for her to stay at home with your DS & DH.

JudgeRudy · 26/06/2023 20:28

Hankunamatata · 26/06/2023 12:34

Dh could take dsd to different movie and out for dinner afterwards?

Why? It's not her birthday. Should he take his son out too. They're not little children. They're old enough to understand that someone else day is not about them

Original poster
BamBamBambi · 27/06/2023 08:48

Thanks everyone.

Spoke to DH and he will be staying home with DS & DSD. They will watch a movie or something together.

I don’t totally agree with him taking them for a meal out or going to the cinema as it’s supposed to be a treat for the birthday girl not everyone.

We won’t be doing anything more then just cake on the evening as it’s not her actual birthday on that day, She will be 12 a few days before.

OP posts:
viques · 27/06/2023 08:56

BamBamBambi · 27/06/2023 08:48

Thanks everyone.

Spoke to DH and he will be staying home with DS & DSD. They will watch a movie or something together.

I don’t totally agree with him taking them for a meal out or going to the cinema as it’s supposed to be a treat for the birthday girl not everyone.

We won’t be doing anything more then just cake on the evening as it’s not her actual birthday on that day, She will be 12 a few days before.

Perfect .

Neekoh · 27/06/2023 10:42

viques · 27/06/2023 08:56

Perfect .

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Yes I agree with you on that - it's her birthday and it's perfectly reasonable for her to have a treat with her friends without it having to be replicated for everyone else in the household. Also as the youngest there will likely be things the older ones can do/are allowed to have that she can't yet do/have, which is entirely appropriate, so this time it's her turn.

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 27/06/2023 11:01

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 15:28

Respectfully I don’t think that’s always the case.

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That's up to you and how you want to bring up your children. My children don't mind sharing a special event like a birthday with their friends and sisters together. My daughters are generous people with their friends and their family because I guided them and taught them not to be selfish. You can say that's not always the case but I say it depends on the parenting.

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 27/06/2023 11:03

EmpressaurusOfCats · 26/06/2023 17:06

My younger sister and I are very close now, but if we’d been forced to take each other along every time one of us went out with our friends as kids, I don’t think our relationship would have ever recovered.

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Its what we decided to do with our children and its worked out well for us as a family.

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 27/06/2023 11:09

Yousee · 26/06/2023 15:43

What's "unkind" is not allowing a child the privacy and independence to develop friendships outside the family unit.
My best friend has been my friend since we were 2, more than 30 years ago, so your bold statement that friendships are fleeting is also a lot of nonsense.
Maybe your childhood friendships didn't last because your parents insisted on shoving your siblings into the middle of them? If so, that's a great shame.

Show quote history

Not at all I wish my parents behaved like parents and guided me better. I wouldn't have ended up in the situations I was in. Me and my brother doesn't talk or we have awkward conversations because of that family division. I am doing the opposite of what I endured.

My children do live separate lives and they celebrate special events together with friends and family. Nothing wrong with that at all I have a beautiful family.