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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I make my DD include her Half sister on her Bday trip?

233 replies

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 12:17

Our Dds (11) birthday is next month. She has requested for her and 4 friends to go to the cinema and watch a movie and then get Pizza Hut after.

However it will be our weekend to have my dsd (14) and Iv mentioned to her about maybe letting her sister come along but she’s reluctant and doesn’t want her there. She wants it to be just her and her mates.

Im unsure if I should broach the subject again or let her have the birthday trip she wants as after all it is her birthday!

Normally this isn’t a issue as any gatherings have landed on the weekends we don’t have dsd.

Im leaning towards letting her have the trip she wants.

For context We also have a son that won’t be attending the cinema either so it’s not like she’s just leaving dsd out.

OP posts:
Pigsears · 26/06/2023 13:44

AnnaLou9 · 26/06/2023 13:40

Your dd is free to have who she wants at her party. Coming from a perspective of someone who was the half sister and was never invited. I must say it really affected me my whole life. I never felt like I was wanted or included. It started out with smaller events such as not being invited to half sibling birthday parties growing up and progressed to not being invited to family weddings and my half sisters 50th birthday. Apparently only family could attend. Now it's where we don't speak at all and she has told me she never saw me as her sister. I think either change the date of the party or invite her half sister and see what she says. It's nice to feel included.

This. Wondering if your DSD is feeling like this?

If so, maybe DSD could invite a friend and go along to supervise the 11 year olds- like similar suggestion upthread for parents- but this way DSD given definite big sister role?

CurlewKate · 26/06/2023 13:45

I'd talk about it to the 14 year old. She's old enough to understand. And to probably say "Seriously? Why would I want to do that??"

Pigsears · 26/06/2023 13:46

My 11 would prefer big sister being there than me as big sister is cooler.

Caramelatt · 26/06/2023 13:46

Pigsears · 26/06/2023 13:41

Is there any backstory as to why dsd would want to go? Eg 11 year old came to her celebration, uneven money spent on one Vs other, DSD wants to be closer to (or is very close to) DD...

With my girls, this would not be an issue as the 11 would absolutely not want the 14 to attend and the 14 would not want to anyway....

I am guessing the difference between childres is Dsd does not live with her father and siblings. In your case, all kids have full time access to same number of parents. So they should not be compared to regular siblings.
But it's also OK for op's dd not wanting her step sister to go with her.

Caramelatt · 26/06/2023 13:48

cordelia16 · 26/06/2023 13:16

My question is why would she want her there? Siblings are not tied at the hip and are actually allowed to have separate friends and lives. It has nothing to do with it being a half-sister. My mother made my older sister (roughly the same age gap as here) tag along on everything I did, and I could never just be myself with my friends, feeling self-conscious over what my sister was thinking.

Also, the other two don't need to be coddled. It's a birthday outing, not a once-in-a-lifetime special event.

Show quote history

But they can never be tied at the hip they see each other every other weekend and don't live together.

Your scenario is very different from this.

StillWantingADog · 26/06/2023 13:49

I think you're overthinking, especially as your DS is not going either and is actually closer in age.
have a separate birthday lunch/tea with cake etc, including the DS and DSD

Yousee · 26/06/2023 13:49

I'm collecting my DSD on the morning of DS birthday to bring her along in his special birthday outing. It's a family outing, suitable for all ages, grandparents in attendance etc.
However. If I'd arranged for a few of his little friends from nursery to meet, I'd not be going for DSD. That would be for his friends and geared towards their friendship and age group. I'd not be apologising for not shoehorning DSD in and I'd be pointing out that DSD is allowed birthdays all about her, her friends and their age group and it wouldn't be fair for me to drop a 4 year old into that middle of that to make it "fair".
Not would I entertain any talk of "compensating" said 4 year old for his half sister having a nice birthday 🙄

Original poster
BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 13:49

Pigsears · 26/06/2023 13:41

Is there any backstory as to why dsd would want to go? Eg 11 year old came to her celebration, uneven money spent on one Vs other, DSD wants to be closer to (or is very close to) DD...

With my girls, this would not be an issue as the 11 would absolutely not want the 14 to attend and the 14 would not want to anyway....

I think she just loves her sister really. They share a room and I just have a niggle that she would actually want to go. Also DD is 11 now but will be 12 next month.

DSD had a sleepover at her mums house for her bday. Our DD wasn’t invited obviously.
We took dsd to a trampoline park for dsd birthday while she was with us and all 3 kids went.
DSD wouldn’t have a clue what we spend for each birthday etc.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/06/2023 13:54

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 13:49

I think she just loves her sister really. They share a room and I just have a niggle that she would actually want to go. Also DD is 11 now but will be 12 next month.

DSD had a sleepover at her mums house for her bday. Our DD wasn’t invited obviously.
We took dsd to a trampoline park for dsd birthday while she was with us and all 3 kids went.
DSD wouldn’t have a clue what we spend for each birthday etc.

Show quote history

Not inviting your dsd for the film is actually the same thing as not inviting your dd for the sleepover. As you do a family thing for your dsd, I think you should do a family thing for all 3 dcs. That way everyone feels included, especially your dsd as she isn’t around much.

cordelia16 · 26/06/2023 13:55

Caramelatt · 26/06/2023 13:48

But they can never be tied at the hip they see each other every other weekend and don't live together.

Your scenario is very different from this.

Show quote history

That's a fair point.

In this instance, the 11yo is having a special party with her friends to celebrate her birthday, so the 14yo need not be there. If the 11yo did something out and about on every weekend the 14yo was there and didn't include her ever, then I could see how the 14yo could feel hurt. But not for a special party for friends.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/06/2023 13:55

Is it possible to make the family celebration a bit more than cake at home? That doesn’t feel like that much.

User27680416 · 26/06/2023 13:56

It's your dd's birthday. Let her do what she wants especially if your ds isn't going.

JusthereforXmas · 26/06/2023 13:56

I'm confused... half sister or step sister?

Besides the point anyway though as of course you can't force her to invite her.

I had the same birthday for my 12 (just me and 3 best friends at cinema then a Chinese restaurant, showing my age but we where so excited to see out first 'cert 12' without a parent).

It was also my first even non all inclusive party (use to have whole year parties with 60 kids invited) but it make a changing point of growing up.

3peassuit · 26/06/2023 13:56

Many 14 year olds do not want to hang out with little sisters on their birthday. I didn’t.

Original poster
BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 14:01

JusthereforXmas · 26/06/2023 13:56

I'm confused... half sister or step sister?

Besides the point anyway though as of course you can't force her to invite her.

I had the same birthday for my 12 (just me and 3 best friends at cinema then a Chinese restaurant, showing my age but we where so excited to see out first 'cert 12' without a parent).

It was also my first even non all inclusive party (use to have whole year parties with 60 kids invited) but it make a changing point of growing up.

I don’t think Iv wrote step sister anywhere? If I have that’s a mistake.

She’s my daughters half sister and my step daughter.

Same father.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 26/06/2023 14:02

It’s unusual for a sibling to attend a birthday party; it’s normally for same aged friends of the birthday child.

MeridianB · 26/06/2023 14:02

It's totally up to your DD.

I would be very matter of fact about it all with DSD.

There may be times in the future where they include each other, or not. But I definitely wouldn't impose it.

HealthyBBQ · 26/06/2023 14:04

It’s not about half or step or not, but children learning to be individuals. So they wan to go just then and their friends and not with siblings at that age.

Caramelatt · 26/06/2023 14:04

cordelia16 · 26/06/2023 13:55

That's a fair point.

In this instance, the 11yo is having a special party with her friends to celebrate her birthday, so the 14yo need not be there. If the 11yo did something out and about on every weekend the 14yo was there and didn't include her ever, then I could see how the 14yo could feel hurt. But not for a special party for friends.

Show quote history

Yes, agreed dd11 should not be forced to take half sister.

Fatat40 · 26/06/2023 14:09

Viviennemary · 26/06/2023 13:17

I think it would be difficult if she isnt included in the trip. It would be better if she either came to you on a different weekend or the date kf the trip was changed.

This is crazy.

The SDD gets taken care of with the son. Whether in or out of the house, probably looked after by the father.

The birthday girl gets her birthday treat with her friends. Facilitated by her mother.

It's no big deal. Siblings aren't joined at the hip.
Anything else makes a mockery of the "blended family" line.

honeylulu · 26/06/2023 14:17

Your son creates the perfect solution because he isn't going either. So it's not a case of not inviting DSD but rather just not inviting siblings full stop. Your DH is stirring.

CeliaNorth · 26/06/2023 14:20

The SDD gets taken care of with the son. Whether in or out of the house, probably looked after by the father.

She does whatever she would normally do on a Saturday at her dad's house. Whether that's going to Tesco for the weekly shop, seeing her own friends, doing something with her dad, or just hanging out at home. She doesn't need to be looked after, and she doesn't need any special arrangements made.

ThereIbledit · 26/06/2023 14:20

I think its fine for half sister to not be included in the party, but I agree it would be nice for you to do something nice (a bit more than cake) for the birthday as a family unit with all 3 children.

InSpainTheRain · 26/06/2023 14:23

I'd let her have the birthday trip she wants. There is quite a difference in maturity between 11 - 14 and also do her friends even nos DSD well? It would mess up the dynamic of the group if she has to have her kid sister tagging along, especially at 14.

kitsuneghost · 26/06/2023 14:24

Wow! I would never have been allowed to exclude my siblings from a birthday do.