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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I make my DD include her Half sister on her Bday trip?

233 replies

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 12:17

Our Dds (11) birthday is next month. She has requested for her and 4 friends to go to the cinema and watch a movie and then get Pizza Hut after.

However it will be our weekend to have my dsd (14) and Iv mentioned to her about maybe letting her sister come along but she’s reluctant and doesn’t want her there. She wants it to be just her and her mates.

Im unsure if I should broach the subject again or let her have the birthday trip she wants as after all it is her birthday!

Normally this isn’t a issue as any gatherings have landed on the weekends we don’t have dsd.

Im leaning towards letting her have the trip she wants.

For context We also have a son that won’t be attending the cinema either so it’s not like she’s just leaving dsd out.

OP posts:
cordelia16 · 26/06/2023 13:16

born2runaway · 26/06/2023 13:04

Why doesnt she want her there?

Perhaps ypur husband can do
Something nice with the other two kids to compensate

My question is why would she want her there? Siblings are not tied at the hip and are actually allowed to have separate friends and lives. It has nothing to do with it being a half-sister. My mother made my older sister (roughly the same age gap as here) tag along on everything I did, and I could never just be myself with my friends, feeling self-conscious over what my sister was thinking.

Also, the other two don't need to be coddled. It's a birthday outing, not a once-in-a-lifetime special event.

Verv · 26/06/2023 13:17

Sounds like DH is keen to avoid looking after 2 kids so is trying to send one off to gatecrash a party.

It's DD's birthday, she should be able to choose who she spends it with.

Viviennemary · 26/06/2023 13:17

I think it would be difficult if she isnt included in the trip. It would be better if she either came to you on a different weekend or the date kf the trip was changed.

pollykitty · 26/06/2023 13:19

I don’t see how your dsd being a half or step or it being ‘her weekend’ with her dad should have any influence on your dd’s plans. She’s a sibling and you ddd doesn’t want her there. It’s totally normal for kids to have their own friends and not want a sibling around.

BungleandGeorge · 26/06/2023 13:20

Will there be a parent there? For an 11th party I would have booked tickets for birthday party and then family ones in separate area (eg them at back you at front) and 2 tables at Pizza Hut as I think they still need an adult on site at that age and they’d need transport. In which case dh goes and takes dsd (and possibly ds) but sits separately?

billy1966 · 26/06/2023 13:22

Absolutely not.

This is her birthday treat with her friends, not family.

Very normal for siblings not to attend.

Elevensesatnoon · 26/06/2023 13:23

Can DSD and DH not sit separately in the cinema ? and have a table of 11 year olds at Pizza Hut and a family table a little distance away ? On the basis you are saying dsd would probably like to go to the movie

DemonicCaveMaggot · 26/06/2023 13:24

If your DH wants fairness let your DD celebrate her birthday with her friends, then let your DSD celebrate her birthday with her friends (if that is what she wants). Fairness doesn't have to mean they get everything at exactly the same time.

RenegadeMrs · 26/06/2023 13:24

No! I have a similar age gap with my sister and neither of us went to each other's birthday parties at that age. 11 and 14 are quite different. Let the 11 take who she likes and don't let DH give her any grief about it.

Elevensesatnoon · 26/06/2023 13:26

Other option dsd and DH go to movie the next day ?

Clymene · 26/06/2023 13:27

It's her birthday treat for her with her friends. Why would her sibling go - whether she's half, full or anything else?

You husband was wrong to suggest it and you shouldn't have asked her

CeliaNorth · 26/06/2023 13:27

Perhaps ypur husband can do
Something nice with the other two kids to compensate

Why do they need to be 'compensated'? They're not toddlers who don't understand why they're not included! Presumably they get their own birthday outings on their own birthdays. Will DD2 get a special outing to 'compensate' her when it's dsd's birthday?

And presumably dsd at 14 can arrange her own cinema outings with her own friends if she wants to go.

Saracen · 26/06/2023 13:29

Sometimes siblings get included on birthday outings and sometimes they don't. I think it's fair to leave it up to the birthday girl. Do something nice for all the family at home also, so everyone gets some enjoyment out of DD's birthday - are you having cake at home?

ScribblingPixie · 26/06/2023 13:30

Let the 11-year-old do her own thing - unfair on both girls to force DSD into the equation.

drpet49 · 26/06/2023 13:31

rookiemere · 26/06/2023 12:20

It's her birthday party and her other sibling isn't going. Of course DSD doesn't go.

I never invited my siblings at that age, I always wanted to go just with my friends

Badbudgeter · 26/06/2023 13:32

I think it’s fine for your Dd to have her birthday gathering without her sister. My children would also just have friends at this age. Do a separate family birthday meal and include her in that.

Jumbojade · 26/06/2023 13:32

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 12:32

Just to make it clear I think DSD would like to go to the cinema.

Although she would never say anything if we said she can’t go.

The only reason I’m asking is because DH said he feels a bit mean saying she has to stay at home. I think it’s because they are both girls!

Would DSD invite your DD to her Birthday Party? I’m guessing not, but could be wrong? If the answer is no, then it’s unfair to expect your DD to have to invite her DSS to her party!

Original poster
BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 13:34

Jumbojade · 26/06/2023 13:32

Would DSD invite your DD to her Birthday Party? I’m guessing not, but could be wrong? If the answer is no, then it’s unfair to expect your DD to have to invite her DSS to her party!

Show quote history

No she wouldn’t. P

OP posts:
GreenIvyLeaves · 26/06/2023 13:34

Yes, don’t know if I voted correctly.
She should invite who SHE wants to her party ( obviously within your budget, I’m not mad and mean she should invite half the world) 😂

Original poster
BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 13:35

Thanks everyone.

You have confirmed what I thought.

I will be telling DH today that dsd can stay at home with him and DS and they can get some sweets and watch a movie at home.

I will be taking the girls and sitting separately at the cinema to keep an eye on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 13:38

Just to confirm we would all be having cake at home after as well!

OP posts:
AnnaLou9 · 26/06/2023 13:40

Your dd is free to have who she wants at her party. Coming from a perspective of someone who was the half sister and was never invited. I must say it really affected me my whole life. I never felt like I was wanted or included. It started out with smaller events such as not being invited to half sibling birthday parties growing up and progressed to not being invited to family weddings and my half sisters 50th birthday. Apparently only family could attend. Now it's where we don't speak at all and she has told me she never saw me as her sister. I think either change the date of the party or invite her half sister and see what she says. It's nice to feel included.

Pigsears · 26/06/2023 13:41

Is there any backstory as to why dsd would want to go? Eg 11 year old came to her celebration, uneven money spent on one Vs other, DSD wants to be closer to (or is very close to) DD...

With my girls, this would not be an issue as the 11 would absolutely not want the 14 to attend and the 14 would not want to anyway....

Dogstar78 · 26/06/2023 13:42

Even if it was her actual sister she shouldn't NEED to be there. She is having an outing with her friends. At that age they do things separately if they want.

HappiDaze · 26/06/2023 13:43

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 13:35

Thanks everyone.

You have confirmed what I thought.

I will be telling DH today that dsd can stay at home with him and DS and they can get some sweets and watch a movie at home.

I will be taking the girls and sitting separately at the cinema to keep an eye on them.

This is by for the best solution

If your DSD went to your DD birthday it would be so awkward, forced and uncomfortable for both of them.

DSD would be mortified at having to go to her younger sister's birthday.

No older sister would want to do this.

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